Paul Shaffer’s Monologue


Paul Shaffer’s Monologue

…..Paul Shaffer
…..G.E. Smith

Paul Shaffer: Thank you very, very much! I’ve gotta say, it really is a kick to be here, you know? Being here at “Saturday Night Live”, it brings back so many memories of how it used to be back in those golden years. You know, the excitement, the ego crashes, the self-destructiveness, the neurotic obsessions, the panicking trips to the emergency room – I don’t know! I guess, what I remember most about it.. well, I guess it would be the ego crashes, actually, but that would probably be about it. But forget about that!

Twelve years ago, I started out as a piano player in this very band right here. And it’s still a great band, it really is. It may not come up exactly to the level of my own band that I have on “Late Night” –

G.E. Smith: [ offended ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Paul Shaffer: Well, really! I mean, you don’t even look like a band! You look like a bunch of waiters!

G.E. Smith: See you later, Paul! [ starts to exit stage ]

Paul Shaffer: Wait a minute! G.E.! you can’t walk out!

G.E. Smith: Why not!

Paul Shaffer: Why not?

G.E. Smith: Yeah!

Paul Shaffer: G.E., I seem to remember a little fresh-faced kid coming to New York for the first time, looking for a break in show business. And if I remember correctly, I think it was me who gave this kid his first job in a Broadway show –

G.E. Smith: Yeah, but Paul, that wasn’t me.

Paul Shaffer: No. It wasn’t you, G.E. But still, we go back.

G.E. Smith: Way back.

Paul Shaffer: I spent five years on this show, putting together opening numbers for everybody! All the guests, all the casts. This is my one chance to open up “Saturday Night Live” the way I always thought it should open up. Will you kick it off?

G.E. Smith: Just for you, buddy!

Paul Shaffer: [ singing ]“I want to tell you a little story, baby
A story about a little show!
I’m gonna tell you a big, bad story, baby!
A story about a little late night show!
Here we go!

I said down by the skyscraper
A skyscraper called 30 Rock.
That’s 30 Rockefeller Plaza to you, baby!
That’s where you’ll find me
About 11:30 on the clock.
I don’t want to miss that cold opening, baby, whoo!
And I love that dirty water
Oh, Saturday Night, you’re my home!

Now, listen.

Frustration, right onYeah, frustrated, got to stay up past five o’clock!
That’s 5 a.m., that’s when they really start to jam!
They crash out of nowhere, that Saturday night joy will rock!
Oh, every night for 12 years, baby!
And I love that dirty water
Oh, Saturday Night’s my home!”

[ guitar solo from G.E. Smith ]

“And I love that dirty water
Oh, Saturday Night, you’re my home!

Oh, it’s nice to be back!
Here we go!

I want to stay there!
I love Saturday Night!
Saturday night, Saturday night!”

Thank you, we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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