Sports Illustrated


Sports Illustrated

…..Paulina Porizkova

Paulina Porizkova: Hello, I’m Paulina Porizkova. Today we live in a climate of increasing censorship. There’s the Meese Commission, the Moral Majority, and the banning of Penthouse and Playboy from 7-11’s. That’s why, now more than ever, the young man in your household needs Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit issue.

It’s filled with dozens of photos of today’s top models wearing practcally no clothes at all. And it’s mixed in with enough sports scores and essays on thoroughbred racing to make it acceptable in any American home.

Now, you could buy the swimsuit issue at the newsstand, where it usually sells out within an hour. Or you could do the smart thing – subscribe to Sports Illustrated. That way, you’re sure to get the swimsuit issue each January – and that’s not all. You also get 50 other issues filled with interesting articles.

Articles about football, baseball and basketball. Plus occasional pictures of Laura Ball.. [ golf player showing her bustline during a drive shot ] ..Janet Stevenson.. [ golf player with more of a bustline during a drive ] ..Carlene Vasset.. [ tennis player whose skirt fluffs open during a shot ] ..and Julianne MacMamora.. [ gymnast whose panties can be seen as she motions on the parallel bars ]

And, if you subscribe now, you also get a bonus: this Sports Illustrated “Do Not Disturb” sign.

So, what are you waiting for? Remember, Sports Illustrated is an important part of growing up. Your kids need it.

Dirty Bum: And I need it, too!

Announcer: To get the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, plus the other issues, dial 1-800-999-WANK.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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