Don & Nancy
President Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
Don Regan…..Kevin Nealon
Nancy Reagan…..Jan Hooks
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ SUPER: “The White House” ]
[ SUPER: “Thuesday” ]
[ SUPER: “February 26, 1987” ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Ronald Reagan speaking with Don Regan ]
Don Regan: Mr. President, the Tower Commission has completed its report.
President Ronald Reagan: Well, Don, you know, I’m glad this thing is finally coming out. And your future here as Chief-of-Staff depends on how you fare in the report.
Don Regan: Well, Mr. President, I brought your copy. [ hands over a bulky booklet ]
President Ronald Reagan: Oh, boy.. that’s a big one. How big is it?
Don Regan: It’s about 300 pages.
President Ronald Reagan: Oh.
Don Regan: I did take the trouble of preparing a summary of the report. [ hands over a less bulky booklet ]
President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Good. [ leafs through the booklet with wonder ]
Don Regan: Uh.. it’s about 27 pages long, sir.
President Ronald Reagan: Oh.
Don Regan: Perhaps you’d like to just scan an outline of the summary. [ hands over a few sheets of paper ]
President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Sure. How long is that?
Don Regan: 6 pages.
President Ronald Reagan: Oh.
Don Regan: Now, I havce an abstract of the outline. That might be the most sufficient.
President Ronald Reagan: Uh-huh.
Don Regan: Or, if you’d like, I could just as easily give you an oral report of the abstract.
President Ronald Reagan: Well, that would probably make the most sense!
Don Regan: Well, first of all, the report is all and all, pretty good.
President Ronald Reagan: [ excited ] Really? Well, how did I come out?
Don Regan: Very well.
President Ronald Reagan: Well, does it say I approved shipments of arms to Iran?
Don Regan: Uh, yes it does.
President Ronald Reagan: [ curious ] Did I?
Don Regan: Uh.. yes, you did.
President Ronald Reagan: Well, then, it’s a ogod report, and God bless the men and women who put it together.
Don Regan: Yes.
President Ronald Reagan: So, how did you come off, Don? I guess that’s the $64,000 question.
Don Regan: Well, actually, they said my behavior was beyond reproach.
President Ronald Reagan: Well, there, buddy! Congratulations! [ shakes Don’s hand ]
Don Regan: Hmm..
[ Nancy Reagan enters. She and Don exchange nasty looks. ]Nancy Reagan: I didn’t realize that you were still here.
President Ronald Reagan: Well, as a matter of fact, Mommy, Don is gonna be staying on indefinately.
Nancy Reagan: Staying on?!
Don Regan: That is the President’s wish.
President Ronald Reagan: Well, I’m going to call it a day now, but before I go, I just want to say something. I can tell you two don’t get along. Now, I may not know much about foreign policy, or the budget, or trade relations.. or national defense. Or education. Or foreign policy. Or health, or social security, or.. the history of our country, really. Or how the different branches of our government work. But I do know one thing: people. And I’ll tell you something. The reason you two can’t get along is that you’re so much alike. now, I’m gonna head upstairs, and I want you to know, well.. that I’d like you to hash this out. And I think you’ll see that I’m right. Will you do that for me? Don?
Don Regan: [ sighs ] I’ll try, Mr. President.
President Ronald Reagan: Nancy?
Nancy Reagan: [ disgusted ] For you, dear.
President Ronald Reagan: See you tomorrow. [ exits Oval Office ] [ Nancy and Don exchange now-knowing glances ]
Nancy Reagan: Do you think he knows about us?
Don Regan: Not a chance!
Nancy Reagan: What about the Tower Commission?
Don Regan: We’re home free.
Nancy Reagan: [ grabs Don’s tie ] You know, I’m sorry about what I said about you to the press.
Don Regan: Ah, I’m not worried about that, Nancy. But, uh, isn’t there something else you want to say?
Nancy Reagan: [ coolly innocent ] What do you mean?
Don Regan: You know damn well what I mean! Howard Baker!
Nancy Reagan: [ laughs ] Howard Baker? Come on, we had lunch a couple of times, that’s all.
Don Regan: That’s not what I hear!
Nancy Reagan: Come on, Don, what are you saying?
Don Regan: I’m saying that I don’t trust you! I love you, but I don’t trust you!
Nancy Reagan: Don, I know you don’t mean that. It’s this crazy town, that’s what it is. I mean, in a little while it’ll be over, and then I promise you we’ll get away. I promise you that. [ tugs at Don’s jacket ]
Don Regan: I guess I’ve just been under a little strain lately. It’s just that you can’t trust anybody..
Nancy Reagan: Trust me! Come on, baby!
[ they begin to make out passionately, climbing atop the President’s desk and groping at one another ] [ President Ronald Reagan re-enters the room, smiling at the sight ]President Ronald Reagan: [ to the camera ] See? They’re getting along just fine! I’m telling you – I know people! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
