Il Returno de Hercules

Il Returno de Hercules

King Laertes…..Dana Carvey/Tom Davis (voice)
Helena…..Nora Dunn/Jan Hooks (voice)
Hercules…..Bill Murray
Guard…..A Whitney Brown

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “In the time known as the Heroic Age, many centuries before the birth of Christ, Greece was still a savage and uncivilized land. In these dark times, one man alone defended the helpless – the Mighty Hercules. For many years the might Hercules fought for the common people, until at length his rich diet and increasingly sedentary lifestyle began to take their toll. Though srill quite strong for a man his age, he was no longer the Hercules of old.”

King Laertes: Why do you resist me, Helena? Become my Queen. Together, we will rule Greece!

Helena: Never! You have stolen this land from my father. Besides, you have not reckoned yet with Hercules.

King Laertes: Do not look to Hercules for help. My guards captured him last night. Today, he will be put to death.

Helena: No! Spare him! I will do anything you ask.

King Laertes: So.. you do love him!

Helena: He is the greatest hero of Greece.

King Laertes: I must see this warrior. Bring Hercules to me!

Guard: Bring in Hercules!

[ Hercules is brought in. He is old and flabby ]

King Laertes: So, Hercules, once again, we meet. By the gods! Look at you! You really have let yourself go!

Hercules: Is it that noticeable, Laertes?

King Laertes: Is it noticeable?! I hardly recognized you!

Helena: Well, I think he looks fine.

King Laertes: Silence! So.. the Mighty Hercules! I don’t mean to be cruel, but you have really gone downhill!

Hercules: I have not exercised much since the last Olympics. And I’ve learned, to my sorrow, that if you stop exercising, the muscle turns to fat.

King Laertes: I was going to feed you to the Hydra, the seven-headed dragon.. but looking at you, I have a better idea. You are said to be the strongest man to ever live. I will spare your life, if you can pass a test of strength!

Hercules: Must I pass this test of strength right away?

King Laertes: What do you mean?

Hercules: If I can have a month or two, to get into better condition..

King Laertes: No! Absolutely not! You must the test of strength now! Today!

Hercules: Very well. What is your test?

King Laertes: Do you see that boulder over there? I want you to lift it!

Hercules: That boulder is too large. I could life a smaller one.

King Laertes: So! The Mighty Hercules!

Hercules: In six months I will be able to lift it. Right after I put an end to your despotic rule, Laertes, I plan to start a new regimen – hunting, swimming, eating better.. [ rubbing his belly ] All this will disappear.

King Laertes: Brave talk, Hercules. First, you must pass this test!

Hercules: And if I pass this test, you will spare Helena’s life?

King Laertes: You have my word.

Hercules: Very well. I accept.

Helena: No, Hercules. Don’t try to lift the boulder yourself. Get someone to help you.

[ Hercules stretches as everyone waits ]

King Laertes: Hercules! Look, what are you doing?

Hercules: First, I must loosen up. I am very tight. [ continues to stretch ]

Helena: Hercules! I beg you. Don’t! [ Hercules bends over to lift the boulder ] Hercules! The legs! Lift with the legs!

Hercules: [ starting to raise the boulder, stopping suddenly ] My back! I think I pulled it! [ he lays on the ground, as Helena runs over to help ] This happened once before. Leave me alone. If I lie flat like this, it will fix itself.

King Laertes: [ laughing ] Ha! Your Hercules is a weakling! Send in the Hydra!

Guard: Send the Hydra!

[ the Hydra appears ]

Helena: Hercules! Get up! The Hydra!

Hercules: I can’t. Just let me lie here, please.

Helena: Oh, Laertes, please! Hercules can’t get up! Call off the Hydra!

King Laertes: Very well.. Call off the Hydra.

Guard: Call off the Hydra!

[ the Hydra leaves ]

Helena: Hercules, the Hydra is gone. Can I do anything for you?

Hercules: No, Helena. Thank you. If I could just lie here for another minute..

King Laertes: [ mocking ] The Mighty Hercules! What a disappointment!

Hercules: [ trying to pick himself up ] I’d like to see you try it.

King Laertes: The Mighty Hercules!

Hercules: Stop saying “The Mighty Hercules”.

Helena: Don’t worry about Laertes. Soon, when you have regained your strength, you can return to lift that boulder and crush him with it.

Hercules: I can’t even think about that now..

Helena: That’s right, Hercules. Now you must rest. For you, there will be other adventures. The gods have willed it!

[ fade out – “Fini” at the center of the screen ]

SNL Transcripts

avatar
1 Comment threads
1 Thread replies
2 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
2 Comment authors
jtranscriptsBrad Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Brad
Guest
Brad

It’s “Laertes”, not “Laetes”.