Girl-Crazy Obstetrician


Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

Obstetrician…..Phil Hartman
Reporter…..Nora Dunn
Ted Carter…..Bill Murray
Janet Carter…..Victoria Jackson
Louise…..Jon Lovitz


[ open on Obstetrician’s office – Reporter enters ]

Reporter: Dr. Hoffritz? Shelley Barnette, People Magazine.

Obstetrician: Come on in! Here, have a seat.

Reporter: Thank you.

Obstetrician: People Magazine. I don’t know why anyonewould want to read about me – I’m just a small-town family obstetrician.

Reporter: Well, my editors seem to think you have a very interesting story here. Now, I understand you’ve been working and practicing here in Radfield for 21 years.

Obstetrician: That’s right.

Reporter: And you’ve delivered over 4,300 babies.

Obstetrician: That’s right.

Reporter: And they’ve all been girls.

Obstetrician: That’s right. They’ve all been girls!

Reporter: Well, you know, that’s amazing! You know, myassistant back in New York actually calculated the odds of that happening. It’s over 1 in 700 trillion.

Obstetrician: Oh, no kidding. Well.. the important thing is – knock on wood – they’re all healthy and happy. I try to stay in touch with as many as I can. They’re like my family. They’re my little girls.

Reporter: It’s like a miracle. Not one single boy.

Obstetrician: [ checks his watch ] Oh, my goodness.. [ into hisintercom ] Louise? Would you send in the Carters, please? [ to thereporter ] I have an appointment – you’re welcome to stay, if you want, and take some notes. [ the Carters enter ] Hello, Janet, Ted!

Janet Carter: Doctor!

Obstetrician: How’s everything going?

Janet Carter: Oh, I’m doing alright.

Ted Carter: So far, so good. [ sits his wife down ]

Obstetrician: Well, this is Shelly Barnette, of People Magazine.

Ted Carter: Hello, Miss Barnette.

Janet Carter: Hi.

Obstetrician: They’re doing an article on me, can you believe that?

Janet Carter: That doesn’t surprise me. Doctor Hoffritz is the best!

Ted Carter: He delivered all seven of our daughters.

Obstetrician: Well, I have the results of your amniocentesis right here, and I’ve.. got some good news. Everything’s fine, the baby’s healthy.

Ted Carter: Dr. Hoffritz? Is it a boy?

Obstetrician: [ laughs ] Now, Ted, wouldn’t you rather be surprised in the delivery room?

Ted Carter: [ thinking ] No, Doctor! I’d like to know..

Obstetrician: Well, no. It’s a girl.

Ted Carter: [ slumps beside his wife’s chair ] I love girls! [ weeps ]

Janet Carter: You see, Ted wants a boy. This is our eighth try.

Ted Carter: We’ll try again.

Janet Carter: No. No more.

Ted Carter: Doctor, will this one need that operation?

Obstetrician: Yes, I’m afraid so.

Reporter: [ curious ] What operation is this, Doctor?

Obstetrician: Well.. every now and then, a little girl is born with a penis and testicles. And, of course, they have to be removed and reshaped.

Ted Carter: It’s quite routine. Five of our seven daughters have had this operation.

Reporter: Doctor, what percent of the babies that you deliver need this operation?

Obstetrician: Oh, I’d say.. 48, 49.. 50, 51% – in that area!

[ Louise the Secretary – a manly-looking secretary at that – enters ]

Louise: Doctor, here’s those reports you wanted.

Obstetrician: Oh, thank you, Louise! Louise here was one of thefirst babies I delivered. Louise had a big date last night. How did it go?

Louise: Oh, same old problem.

Obstetrician: Well, don’t worry, Louise. Mr. Right’s out theresomewhere! Well.. Janet and Ted, I’ll be seeing you next week?

Ted Carter: Thanks, Doctor.

Janet Carter: Bye, Doctor!

Obstetrician: Okay, bye bye.. Hey, Ted? Buck up. “A son is a son ’til he takes a wife; but a daughter is a daughter all of her life.”

Ted Carter: God bless you and all of your work, Dr. Hoffritz! [ exits ]

Louise: Oh, Doctor.. I’ve gotta leave early today – my electrolosis appointment.

Obstetrician: Well, of course, Louise, anything you want.

Louise: Thank you, Doctor. [ exits ]

Obstetrician: Well! Another little girl! Can you believe it!

Reporter: [ bothered ] Dr. Hoffritz, can’t you see what you’re doing here? I mean, the 48-51% – they’re not girls, they’re little boys! You have mutilated over 2,000 little boys!

Obstetrician: No! No, they weren’t boys. They were little girls.. trapped in little boys’ bodies.. [ music sweeps over him ] You see.. boys are.. bad. They have bad thoughts! Sometimes they disobey their mothers.. they have to be punished! [ sniffles ] But what do their mothers know, anyway.. [ weeping ] They’re out all night with “Uncle Rudy”! But he’s not my uncle! Why does she call him my “uncle”..? [ falls to the floor, crying ]

Reporter: Thank you, Doctor, very much.. I think I have enoughmaterial for my story now.. [ runs out of the office ] [ cut to photo of People Magazine with Dr. Hoffritz holding a baby “girl” on the cover ]

Announcer: This week in People, meet girl-crazy Dr. Jacob Hoffritz, the one in a trillion obstretrician whose favorite color just has to be pink! Only in People!

[ cut to Louise arm-in-arm with Martina Navratilova ]

And say hello to Martina Navaratilova’s new travel companion.

People celebrates people.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of