Transatlantic Cab Ride
Passenger…..Jon Lovitz
Cabdriver…..John Lithgow
Cop…..Phil Hartman
[ open on Cabdriver reading the paper as Passenger enters his cab ]
Passenger: Hi. City Hall, please, as fast as you can.
Cabdriver: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Passenger: I’m getting married in nine minutes.
Cabdriver: You know, you could walk it. It’s just down the block.
Passenger: No, it’s City Hall San Francisco.
Cabdriver: San Francisco, California? That’s 3,000 miles away!
Passenger: [ desperate ] I know, I know.. I’ve been at the airport all night, it’s fogged in.
Cabdriver: Hey, pal, I sympathize with you.. but coast to coast in nine minutes, I don’t know..
Passenger: There’s an extra twenty in it for you.
Cabdriver: [ sighs ] Hang on.. [ starts the cab ] I could cut across Canal. It’s a little out the way, but there might be less traffic.
Passenger: Okay, okay, try it.
[ Cabdriver speeds out into traffic, the scenery whizzing by faster than possible ]
Cabdriver: Ahh.. that’s more like it!
Passenger: Hey, seven minutes left. Come on, can’t you go any faster?
Cabdriver: Hey, pal, we’re doing 950 miles an hour now! See? We’re in Cincinnati already!
Passenger: Hey, I heard it’s gonna rain in Cincinnati.
[ long shot of cab toy is seen with rain pouring over it ]
[ back to cab interior ]
Cabdriver: Yeah. Yeah, right you are. [ yelling ] Hey, look out! Get outta the way! [ turns to Passenger ] Hey. Toll booth coming up – you got a quarter? Come on! [ throws the quarters out the window ] There’s another one! Hurry up! Here’s another one! Come on, here’s another! Hurry up! Come on! you help me too, huh! [ they both throw quarters out the window ]
Passenger: [ checking his watch ] Six minutes left. Come on! Karen’s gonna kill me. Go! Go!
Cabdriver: We’ll make it! We’ll make it! Look! We’re already in Indiana!
Passenger: How can you tell?
Cabdriver: We’re hitting bigger animals!
[ a cow flies across the hood of the cab ]
Passenger: Whoa!
Cabdriver: Hey! Come on, let’s see what’s on the radio!
[ radio station call letters are announced, but at various cities as they whiz past too quickly to pick up any one station for too long ]
[ siren can be heard from behind the cab ]
Cabdriver: Uh-oh. Cops! [ slows down ] Lemme do the talking. [ turns to the Cop standing outside ] Is there a problem, Officer?
Cop: A problem? Yeah, I’d say you gota problem! I just clocked you at 965 miles an hour!
Cabdriver: [ dumbfounded ] 965! That can’t be right, everybody was paaing us!
Cop: Don’t give me that! You melted my radar gun! [ holds it up ]
Cabdriver: Oh. My speedometer must be broken! It said 55, I swear..
Cop: [ not buying it ] Oh, yeah, right..
Passenger: Hey, Officer, it’s my fault. I’m late for my marriage.
Cop: Well, why didn’t you just say so? I-I-I almost missed my wedding, too. Alright, I’ll let you off with a warning this time. But keep it under 600 before you get out of Colorado!
Cabdriver: Yes, sir!
Cop: Alright, go!
[ Cabdriver takes off again ]
Passenger: Hey, nice guy.
Cabdriver: Ah, most cops are pretty good guys when you get down to it.
Passenger: Hey, do you think we’ll make it?
Cabdriver: Ah, sure, we’re almost there now. Here come the Rockies.
[ long shot of cab toy is seen with snow falling on it ]
[ back to cab interior ]
Cabdriver: Yep, there go the Rockies. Interstate 12! Ahh.. [ slows down ] Here we are! City Hall! With time to spare! [ stops ] That’s $1,310 on the meter.
Passenger: [ pays ] Here.
Cabdriver: [ fans the wad of bills to make sure ] That’s right. And you said something about a twenty?
Passenger: Oh, alright. [ pays it ] Hey, I really appreciate it.
Cabdriver: Ah, don’t mention it. I ws heading across town, anyway.
Passenger: [ panics upon reaching into his pocket ] Oh, shoot!
Cabdriver: What’s the matter?
Passenger: Oh, shoot! Oh, shoot! I forgot the wedding ring, and I know just where I left it, too, it’s on my dresser!
Cabdriver: Hang on, we’ll go back and get it.
Passenger: You don’t mind?
Cabdriver: Ah, no problem. [ starts the cab ]
Passenger: You think we’ll make it?
Cabdriver: Relax! I know a shortcut!
[ the cab speeds off onto the highways once again ]
[ fade ]
