Transatlantic Cab Ride


Transatlantic Cab Ride

Passenger…..Jon Lovitz
Cabdriver…..John Lithgow
Cop…..Phil Hartman


[ open on Cabdriver reading the paper as Passenger enters his cab ]

Passenger: Hi. City Hall, please, as fast as you can.

Cabdriver: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Passenger: I’m getting married in nine minutes.

Cabdriver: You know, you could walk it. It’s just down the block.

Passenger: No, it’s City Hall San Francisco.

Cabdriver: San Francisco, California? That’s 3,000 miles away!

Passenger: [ desperate ] I know, I know.. I’ve been at the airport all night, it’s fogged in.

Cabdriver: Hey, pal, I sympathize with you.. but coast to coast in nine minutes, I don’t know..

Passenger: There’s an extra twenty in it for you.

Cabdriver: [ sighs ] Hang on.. [ starts the cab ] I could cut across Canal. It’s a little out the way, but there might be less traffic.

Passenger: Okay, okay, try it.

[ Cabdriver speeds out into traffic, the scenery whizzing by faster than possible ]

Cabdriver: Ahh.. that’s more like it!

Passenger: Hey, seven minutes left. Come on, can’t you go any faster?

Cabdriver: Hey, pal, we’re doing 950 miles an hour now! See? We’re in Cincinnati already!

Passenger: Hey, I heard it’s gonna rain in Cincinnati.

[ long shot of cab toy is seen with rain pouring over it ] [ back to cab interior ]

Cabdriver: Yeah. Yeah, right you are. [ yelling ] Hey, look out! Get outta the way! [ turns to Passenger ] Hey. Toll booth coming up – you got a quarter? Come on! [ throws the quarters out the window ] There’s another one! Hurry up! Here’s another one! Come on, here’s another! Hurry up! Come on! you help me too, huh! [ they both throw quarters out the window ]

Passenger: [ checking his watch ] Six minutes left. Come on! Karen’s gonna kill me. Go! Go!

Cabdriver: We’ll make it! We’ll make it! Look! We’re already in Indiana!

Passenger: How can you tell?

Cabdriver: We’re hitting bigger animals!

[ a cow flies across the hood of the cab ]

Passenger: Whoa!

Cabdriver: Hey! Come on, let’s see what’s on the radio!

[ radio station call letters are announced, but at various cities as they whiz past too quickly to pick up any one station for too long ] [ siren can be heard from behind the cab ]

Cabdriver: Uh-oh. Cops! [ slows down ] Lemme do the talking. [ turns to the Cop standing outside ] Is there a problem, Officer?

Cop: A problem? Yeah, I’d say you gota problem! I just clocked you at 965 miles an hour!

Cabdriver: [ dumbfounded ] 965! That can’t be right, everybody was paaing us!

Cop: Don’t give me that! You melted my radar gun! [ holds it up ]

Cabdriver: Oh. My speedometer must be broken! It said 55, I swear..

Cop: [ not buying it ] Oh, yeah, right..

Passenger: Hey, Officer, it’s my fault. I’m late for my marriage.

Cop: Well, why didn’t you just say so? I-I-I almost missed my wedding, too. Alright, I’ll let you off with a warning this time. But keep it under 600 before you get out of Colorado!

Cabdriver: Yes, sir!

Cop: Alright, go!

[ Cabdriver takes off again ]

Passenger: Hey, nice guy.

Cabdriver: Ah, most cops are pretty good guys when you get down to it.

Passenger: Hey, do you think we’ll make it?

Cabdriver: Ah, sure, we’re almost there now. Here come the Rockies.

[ long shot of cab toy is seen with snow falling on it ] [ back to cab interior ]

Cabdriver: Yep, there go the Rockies. Interstate 12! Ahh.. [ slows down ] Here we are! City Hall! With time to spare! [ stops ] That’s $1,310 on the meter.

Passenger: [ pays ] Here.

Cabdriver: [ fans the wad of bills to make sure ] That’s right. And you said something about a twenty?

Passenger: Oh, alright. [ pays it ] Hey, I really appreciate it.

Cabdriver: Ah, don’t mention it. I ws heading across town, anyway.

Passenger: [ panics upon reaching into his pocket ] Oh, shoot!

Cabdriver: What’s the matter?

Passenger: Oh, shoot! Oh, shoot! I forgot the wedding ring, and I know just where I left it, too, it’s on my dresser!

Cabdriver: Hang on, we’ll go back and get it.

Passenger: You don’t mind?

Cabdriver: Ah, no problem. [ starts the cab ]

Passenger: You think we’ll make it?

Cabdriver: Relax! I know a shortcut!

[ the cab speeds off onto the highways once again ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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