Heaven’s Database

Heaven’s Database

Angel…..Dana Carvey

[ open on close-up of Deceased’s face, as he reflects on his death ]

Deceased: So, suddenly I was looking down at my own body, lying there on the stretcher. And there was no pain, no fear, only peace. And I began to float through a dark tunnel, toward a dazzling light. And I distinctly heard one of the doctors say, “Turn off the respirator, we’ve lost him.”

[ screen widens to reveal the Deceased sitting next to an Angel in Heaven ]

Angel: Yeah.. well.. doctors can’t always be wrong, huh?

Deceased: So, I guess the idea is, I’m dead, huh?

Angel: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Deceased: O-kay.. How’d it happen?

Angel: Well.. it actually started with some rough-housing.

Deceased: No.

Angel: Yep. You were playing football in the house, and you fell down and broke your neck.

Deceased: [ intrigued ] I actually broke my neck rough-housing? My mom was right! [ grins ] So, you’re obviously a saint?

Angel: Yeah.. yeah.

Deceased: Which one?

Angel: Uh.. you wouldn’t have heard of me..

Deceased: No, really! Come on, which one?

Angel: [ sighs ] Saint Cornelius. See, I told you.

Deceased: So, you know everything about me, my whole life, right?

Angel: Yeah.

Deceased: Whoa! Uh.. what was the biggest mistake I ever made?

Angel: Well.. you left the church..

Deceased: No, no.. I meant, like, in earthly terms.

Angel: Oh. Um.. well, one time you were walking on the beach in Bermuda, and you walked right over a treasure chest. You would have only had to have dug, maybe four of five inches, it would have been worth $40 million.

Deceased: [ disappointed ] Aw, really?!

Angel: Hey, hey, relax.. it’s over! It doesn’t matter up here.

Deceased: Alright. Just out of curiosity, what career was I really suited for? I know it wasn’t selling copiers.

Angel: Well, uh.. believe it or not, you were ideally suited to be the President of the United States.

Deceased: [ aghast ] Oh, no, you’re kidding! Me, the President! [ laughs ] I really screwed up!

Angel: Hey, hey, don’t worry about it, it’s no big deal. Don’t worry.

Deceased: Okay. Tell me this: which of the girls I knew secretly had a crush on me?

Angel: Well.. there was Denise Baker..

Deceased: Oh, yeah?

Angel: ..Patty Patronik..

Deceased: Oh, right..

Angel: .. and, uh.. Stephanie Zimmer.

Deceased: Oh. Uh-huh. No one else?

Angel: No.

Deceased: Well. Let’s see.. what’s the grossest thing I ever ate?

Angel: You don’t want to know.

Deceased: Oh. Okay. What about the 200th grossest thing?

Angel: Okay.. that would be some butterscotch pudding that had a dead earwig in it.

Deceased: [ grimaces ] Oh, gross! You mean I never tasted it!

Angel: Well, you made this very funny face.. but you were watching a football game on TV at the time..

Deceased: This is so wild! So, you know everything? Alright.. alright.. who would have won between Secreatariat and Man-Of-War?

Angel: Man-Of-War.

Deceased: Hmm.. really? What kind of sit-ups are better – bent-knee, or straight-knee?

Angel: Straight.

Deceased: I knew it! That gym teacher was such an idiot!

Angel: Yeah.. he was.

Deceased: Okay.. okay.. which one’s better: Beatles or Stones?

Angel: Beatles.

Deceased: Ah-ha! Dogs or cats?

Angel: Dogs.

Deceased: Smooth or chunky?

Angel: Chunky.

Deceased: Huh? [ thinking ] Okay, okay, I got one! Which one wins: the irresistable force, or the immovable object?

Angel: The irresistable force.

Deceased: Huh.. interesting. Okay. Of the following people, which ,if any, are still alive: Elvis, Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hoffa, Andy Kaufman, or Hitler.

Angel: Uh.. that’d be Jim Morrison and Hitler.

Deceased: [ shocked ] Hitler?!

Angel: Hey, don’t worry. We’re really gonna nail him.

Deceased: Boy.. this is so weird! I don’t even know what to ask.. okay – Bruce Willis. I mean, that guy, he had to make a deal with the devil, right?

Angel: Yeah.

Deceased: I knew it! I knew it! Okay, who else? Sugar Ray Leonard?

Angel: Yeah.

Deceased: Yeah! Who else?

Angel: Oh, there’s so many..

Deceased: Alright.. alright.. Hey! What is the one thing that would surprise me the most if I knew it?

Angel: [ laughs ] You couldn’t handle it.

Deceased: Alright, okay, okay.. How about the 368th most surprising fact?

Angel: Professional wrestling is real.

Deceased: [ surprised ] What’s the weirdest thing that causes cancer?

Angel: Uh.. looking at goldfish.

Deceased: Whoa-oa! Why did they change the formula for Coke?

Angel: [ dramatic pause ] No one knows.

Deceased: Hmm.. What happened to that $50 bill I lost at graduation?

Angel: You didn’t lose it – your uncle stole it.

Deceased: Wha..? [ laughs ] This is the greatest thing that ever happened! I love this!

Angel: Well, good, I’m glad! Hey, come on, let’s go, I want to show you around..

Deceased: Hey, wait, I gotta know one thing: does God have a favorite religion?

Angel: Yes.

Deceased: Which one?

Angel: Lutheran.

Deceased: Huh!

[ they exit to fade ]

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