The New Charlie’s Angels
Donna Rice…..Nora Dunn
Jessica Hahn…..Jan Hooks
Fawn Hall…..Victoria Jackson
John Bosley…..Jon Lovitz
Ted Kennedy…..Phil Hartman
Chase Steele…..Mark Harmon
Announcer: This is the story of three beautiful girls. Jessica.. [ shows Jessica Hahn – SUPER: “Starring Jessica Hahn ] ..Fawn.. [ shows Fawn Hall – SUPER: “Starring Fawn Hall” ] ..and Donna.. [ shows Donna Rice – SUPER: “Starring Donna Rice ]. They were stuck in run-of-the-mill jobs. Church secretary.. [ Jessica Hahn runs from a church ] ..former part-time model turned government secretary.. [ Fawn Hall runs past the White House ] ..and struggling young actress/model [ Donna Rice stands in front of boat yard, later joined by Jessica Hahn and Fawn Hall ]. But all of that changed when they became “The New Charlie’s Angels”. [ shows them in silhoette, explosion behind them ] [ cut to Office, John Bosley at desk, Fawn and Donna on the couch. Jessica enters ]
Jessica Hahn: Hi, angels!
Fawn Hall and Donna Rice: Hi!
Jessica Hahn: So, I heard there was a parallel. [ sits on John Bosley’s desk ] What’s up, Bos?
John Bosley: Well angels, Charlie called a meeting. [ To Donna ] By the way, Donna, congratulations on Operation Hart Failure.
Donna Rice: Well, thanks Bos, but the funny thing is he never laid a finger on me. Even on the boat trip he just wanted to talk about the issues.
John Bosley: Well, it doesn’t matter. [ goes to bulletin board with pictures of presidential front runners ] Goodbye, Gary! [ crosses out Gary Hart’s picture ] By the way, Jessica..
Jessica Hahn: What?
John Bosley: You played the press like a violin.
Jessica Hahn: Oh, I know, but Jim Bakker was sooo disgusting, ewwww. I drank my own wine.
John Bosley: Well, I don’t think we need to worry about a televangelist president. Goodbye, Pat Robertson! [ crosses out Pat Robertson’s picture ]
Fawn Hall: Bosley, I’m bored. When do I get to testify in that big room?
John Bosley: Relax, Fawn. Your body kept the Iran scam issue on all the papers. Yes sir, Bush is history! [ crosses out George Bush’s picture ]
Jessica Hahn: But Bos, doesn’t the public suspect anything?
John Bosley: No way. The public just thinks they’re a string ofunrelated events. Meanwhile, you’ve knocked out three of the frontrunners. I know Charlie will be very happy about that. [ goes to the phone ] Isn’t that right, Charlie?
Ted Kennedy: [ on the phone in his office, while a woman pours him beer ] Oh that’s for sure. I can’t imagine three more glamouous salvagers than Fawn, Donna, and Jessica.
John Bosley: Well project Phoenix is right on schedule, Charlie.
Ted Kennedy: Yes, now let’s proceed toward our target, the national convention in Atlanta.
Jessica Hahn: Hey Charlie, why did I have to do that thing with Muskie?
Jessica Hahn: And he wasn’t even running!
Ted Kennedy: Well, my apologies, Jessica. That was just a clerical error.
Jessica Hahn: Oh.
Ted Kennedy: [ woman in office is now massaging him ] Now, angels, if I may direct your attention to the center court area. [ Chase Steele enters through the doorway ] Say hello to our newest angel, Chase Steele.
Jessica Hahn: Ooh la laa![ Jessica, Fawn, and Donna go to Chase ]
Ted Kennedy: Chase, you’ll be relieved to hear I’m taking you off Jack Kemp. Now how about a progress report on Operation Pineapple?
Chase Steele: Well, Senator Dole’s a pretty straight arrow. So I’m going after his wife, Secretary of Transportation. I have a hunch she’ll not mind if I inspect her cargo. [ kisses Jessica, as Donna and Fawn giggle ]
Ted Kennedy: All right, but be careful. In my experience, Republican women are harder to open than a liquor store in Nebraska.
Chase Steele: Charlie, you want Liz Dole, you got her. Just get the reporters there. Twenty minutes alone with me on the New Jersey turnpike, she’ll be underneath the bridge with her dress on up over her head, screaming, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.