Einstein Express

Einstein Express

Mr. Edwards…Jon Lovitz
Harry Butterworth…Phil Hartman
Einstein Express Clerk…Jan Hooks
Customer…Kevin Nealon

[ Open on Mr. Edwards in his office, answering phone call from his boss, Harry Butterworth ]

Mr. Edwards: Hello?

Harry Butterworth: Edwards, where’s that report?

Mr. Edwards: Report?

Harry Butterworth: It was supposed to be here last week!

Mr. Edwards: Uhh…

Harry Butterworth: You’re fired! [ slams down his phone ]

[ Mr. Edwards, realizing he forgot to send in the report, immediately hangs up and types up the report quickly ]

Announcer: There are lots of overnight express delivery services – Federal Express, Duralater, Emery. They all do a fine job when you’re racing a deadline. But what do you do if you’ve already missed your deadine? When it’s already too late, it’s time to call us. Einstein Express.

[ logo appears on screen ]

[ Mr. Edwards is seen at Einstein Express office, standing in Clerk’s line ]

Clerk: Hello. [ weighs package ] Two pounds. And when does it have to be there?

Mr. Edwards: [ nervous ] Uh.. three days ago?

Clerk: [ checks calendar ] Okay, that’s last Friday.

Announcer: Using a patented superconductor matrix, coupled with Einstein’s theory of space-time continum, we can transport any document or package up to ten pounds into the past.

[ clerk puts package in time machine, sets it to three days ago, sending it into the past. Mr Edwards is amazed. ]

[ SUPER: “Maxinmum time warp: Six months” ]

Announcer: Sure, it costs a little more..

Clerk: That’ll be 57 dollars.

[ Mr. Edwards hands her the money and leaves ]

Announcer: But there are times when nothing else will do.

[ Next Customer comes up, holding a container of birth control pills ]

Customer: I gotta get these pills to my girlfriend.. four months ago.

[ back in Harry Butterworth’s office, Harry is talking to Mr. Edwards on the phone ]

Harry Butterworth: Edwards, I read your report over the weekend. It’s brilliant.. partner!

[ back in Mr. Edwards’ office, Mr Edwards hangs up, feeling relieved ]

Announcer: Einstein Express. When it absolutely, positively, has to be there the day before yesterday.

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

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