Mr. Edwards…Jon Lovitz
Harry Butterworth…Phil Hartman
Einstein Express Clerk…Jan Hooks
[ Open on Mr. Edwards in his office, answering phone call from his boss, Harry Butterworth ]
Mr. Edwards: Hello?
Harry Butterworth: Edwards, where’s that report?
Mr. Edwards: Report?
Harry Butterworth: It was supposed to be here last week!
Mr. Edwards: Uhh…
Harry Butterworth: You’re fired! [ slams down his phone ][ Mr. Edwards, realizing he forgot to send in the report, immediately hangs up and types up the report quickly ]
Announcer: There are lots of overnight express delivery services – Federal Express, Duralater, Emery. They all do a fine job when you’re racing a deadline. But what do you do if you’ve already missed your deadine? When it’s already too late, it’s time to call us. Einstein Express.
Clerk: Hello. [ weighs package ] Two pounds. And when does it have to be there?
Mr. Edwards: [ nervous ] Uh.. three days ago?
Clerk: [ checks calendar ] Okay, that’s last Friday.
Announcer: Using a patented superconductor matrix, coupled with Einstein’s theory of space-time continum, we can transport any document or package up to ten pounds into the past.[ clerk puts package in time machine, sets it to three days ago, sending it into the past. Mr Edwards is amazed. ] [ SUPER: “Maxinmum time warp: Six months” ]
Announcer: Sure, it costs a little more..
Clerk: That’ll be 57 dollars.[ Mr. Edwards hands her the money and leaves ]
Announcer: But there are times when nothing else will do.[ Next Customer comes up, holding a container of birth control pills ]
Customer: I gotta get these pills to my girlfriend.. four months ago.[ back in Harry Butterworth’s office, Harry is talking to Mr. Edwards on the phone ]
Harry Butterworth: Edwards, I read your report over the weekend. It’s brilliant.. partner![ back in Mr. Edwards’ office, Mr Edwards hangs up, feeling relieved ]
Announcer: Einstein Express. When it absolutely, positively, has to be there the day before yesterday.
Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.