Einstein Express


Einstein Express

Mr. Edwards…Jon Lovitz
Harry Butterworth…Phil Hartman
Einstein Express Clerk…Jan Hooks
Customer…Kevin Nealon

[ Open on Mr. Edwards in his office, answering phone call from his boss, Harry Butterworth ]

Mr. Edwards: Hello?

Harry Butterworth: Edwards, where’s that report?

Mr. Edwards: Report?

Harry Butterworth: It was supposed to be here last week!

Mr. Edwards: Uhh…

Harry Butterworth: You’re fired! [ slams down his phone ]

[ Mr. Edwards, realizing he forgot to send in the report, immediately hangs up and types up the report quickly ]

Announcer: There are lots of overnight express delivery services – Federal Express, Duralater, Emery. They all do a fine job when you’re racing a deadline. But what do you do if you’ve already missed your deadine? When it’s already too late, it’s time to call us. Einstein Express.

[ logo appears on screen ]

[ Mr. Edwards is seen at Einstein Express office, standing in Clerk’s line ]

Clerk: Hello. [ weighs package ] Two pounds. And when does it have to be there?

Mr. Edwards: [ nervous ] Uh.. three days ago?

Clerk: [ checks calendar ] Okay, that’s last Friday.

Announcer: Using a patented superconductor matrix, coupled with Einstein’s theory of space-time continum, we can transport any document or package up to ten pounds into the past.

[ clerk puts package in time machine, sets it to three days ago, sending it into the past. Mr Edwards is amazed. ]

[ SUPER: “Maxinmum time warp: Six months” ]

Announcer: Sure, it costs a little more..

Clerk: That’ll be 57 dollars.

[ Mr. Edwards hands her the money and leaves ]

Announcer: But there are times when nothing else will do.

[ Next Customer comes up, holding a container of birth control pills ]

Customer: I gotta get these pills to my girlfriend.. four months ago.

[ back in Harry Butterworth’s office, Harry is talking to Mr. Edwards on the phone ]

Harry Butterworth: Edwards, I read your report over the weekend. It’s brilliant.. partner!

[ back in Mr. Edwards’ office, Mr Edwards hangs up, feeling relieved ]

Announcer: Einstein Express. When it absolutely, positively, has to be there the day before yesterday.

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Mike Shields II
Mike Shields II
2 years ago

I knew this idea wasn’t original with me.

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