SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 10/17/87: Bullets Aren’t Cheap


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 1

87a: Steve Martin / Sting

Bullets Aren’t Cheap

M…..Jon Lovitz
Miss Moneypenny…..Nora Dunn
James Bond…..Steve Martin
Date…..Jan Hooks
Waiter…..Phil Hartman
Dealer…..Vicotia Jackson

[ open on M sitting at his desk ]

M: [ presses buzzer ] Miss Moneypenny, will you come in here, please?

[ Miss moneypenny enters M’s office ]

Miss Moneypenny: Something wrong?

M: Have you seen these bills from 007’s last assignment? 12,000 pounds for hotel suites, six trips on the Concorde, eight cases of Tattinger’s champagne. Who the devil does he think he is?!

Miss Moneypenny: Sir, that was a very dangerous mission. Bond pulled it off beautifully.

M: [ stands ] I know that! Now, perhaps if you can set aside your schoolgirl crush for one moment, perhaps you can tell me why a Balanese backwalking session is being charged to the British government.

Miss Moneypenny: It was in the line of duty. The woman tried to electrocute him.

M: Or so he claims. He’s abusing the expense vouchers to support his sybaritic lifestyle, and I won’t stand for it! Where is 007?

Miss Moneypenny: Didn’t you know? He’s on holiday. In the Bahamas.

M: What?! Out spending more on England’s money again!

Miss Moneypenny: No, sir. I made it quite clear to him that his holiday expenses were strictly his own. He undertands that.

M: Yes, but why this week? He knew I had a mission for him.

Miss Moneypenny: Well, sir, he flew the Super Saver. The ticket was only good for this week.

M: [ taken by surprise ] What?

Miss Moneypenny: Well, his frequent flier discount is about to expire.

M: I don’t believe it!

Miss Moneypenny: Frankly, sir, when it’s his own money, Commander Bond can be a bit.. well, I don’t want to say miserly, but.. it’s the Scottish thing. Very tight with the dollar.

M: 007?

Miss Moneypenny: Oh, yes. It’s a side of him we seldom see.

[ dissolve to opening James Bond movie graphics of somersaulting silhoettes of beautiful women ] [ circle dances across screen, as James Bond enters shooting his gun in comic fashion. He looks down and spots a coin, which he immediately bends down to pick up and show off to the camera. ] [ TITLE: “Bullets Aren’t Cheap” ]

[ dissolve to Bond on holiday in the Bahamas, as he enters a casino ]

Date: James, darling, I want you to relax. You’re on holiday now.

James Bond: Alright, darling.

[ Waiter passes by ]

Waiter: Would you care for a drink, Madam?

Date: Oh..! [ Bond clenches his teeth in horror ] N-no.. no, thank you.

Waiter: Sir?

James Bond: Yes, I’ll have a Vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred.

Waiter: Right away, sir.

James Bond: Uh.. how much is that?

Waiter: $4.25.

James Bond: Oooh. Ouch! Uh.. what if I use the house brand?

Waiter: It’s the same price, sir.

James Bond: Oh. Well, uh.. what kind of beer do you have?

Waiter: Heineken, Beck’s, Amstel Light, Corona..

James Bond: Ah! A Corona! I’ll have a Corona! Shaken, not stirred. Exactly 42 degrees Fahreinheit.

Waiter: $2.75.

James Bond: Boy.. I told you we should have come at Happy Hour.

[ Goldsting enters the casino, eyepatch over one eye and stroking a bunny rabbit ]

Goldsting: Gregory.. tonight, Mr. Bond’s drinks will be.. complimentary.

[ music sting ]

James Bond: Goldsting!

Goldsting: So, Mr. Bond, we meet again.

James Bond: So this is your game now, peddling alcohol to the highest bidder.

Goldsting: I’m a businessman, Mr. Bond. Do you play baccarat?

James Bond: Yes. [ Goldsting eyes him down ] Oh, now? Now. Sure.

[ they sit at the table ]

Goldsting: Deal Mr. Bond a hand, would you, Victoria?

Date: James, be careful. Goldsting does not like to lose.

James Bond: Oh, like I do? [ reaches for a single note ] Alright. I’ll bet.. mmm.. one pound.

Dealer: I’m sorry, but the minimum bet at this table is ten pounds.

James Bond: Then you will not accept my wager?

[ Goldsting removes the full bid from the inside of his rabbit ]

James Bond: [ sighs ]

Dealer: [ checks cards ] Player wins. Natural Nines.

James Bond: [ exuberent ] Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! [ laughs ] [ Waiter finally returns ]

Waiter: Your beer, sir. Shaken.

James Bond: [ sips his beer ] Well, Goldsting.. it appears that you’ve been stung.

Goldsting: You forget, Mr. Bond. The honeybee stings only once, and then he dies.

James Bond: Yes. But the scorpion can sting many times and live to tell the tale.

Goldsting: But you forget, Mr. Bond, the scorpion can be crushed under foot.

James Bond: Ye-es.. [ nods head in agreement ]

Goldsting: [ aggravated ] Oh, get out!

James Bond: [ to Date ] Let’s go, darling.

Goldsting: Uh, Mr. Bond. Your accent, something about it puzzles me. I can’t quite place it.

James Bond: Well, I can’t quite place yours, either, Goldsting.

Goldsting: That’s because mine is English.

James Bond: Oh, really? Well. [ reaches into a bowl of pretzels ] Complimentary pretzels, darling?

[ music sting, as Goldsting pulls Bond’s hand out of the pretzel bowl ]

Goldsting: The pretzels are no longer complimentary, Mr. Bond.

James Bond: [ drops the pretzels on the table ] Ah! It seems I remember a convenience store around the corner where the pretzels are on sale.

[ Goldsting dusts off his rabbit as the scene dissolves to monorails ] [ dissolve to interior, Bond’s car, as he presents his date with a gift chain ]

Date: Oh, James.. I love pewter.

James Bond: [ chuckles heartily ] Well, I can’t have you running around naked, off where we’re going. Although some people do in.. Orlando.

Date: Darling, I know I’m going to love Epcot!

James Bond: [ chuckles ] Drink your champagne, darling.

Date: [ hands Bond her glass of champagne ] I don’t need this. I need you. Don’t tease me, James. Don’t torture me! [ sits on the bed ] You know what I want! Come to bed, darling! I’m mad about you, mad! Mad, mad, mad, mad! Oh, James, darling!

[ Bond follows onto the bed ] [ close-up on the champagne bottle, as Bond’s arms extedns to pour the champagne from the glass back into the bottle, then corks it up to keep it fresh ] [ SUPER: “The End” ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 5 / 5. Vote count: 1

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x