Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 1
Bob Albert…..Steve Martin
Les Shermeyer…..Kevin Nealon
Jeanne Kirkpatrick…..Nora Dunn
Tracy Pollackson…..Victoria Jackson
Kyle Knopfler…..Dana Carvey
Bob Albert: Hello, and welcome to “Common Knowledge”! I’m yourhost, Bob Albert. You all know our champion Les Shermeyer, a high schoolguidance counselor. Now, let’s meet our challenger, Jeanne Kirkpatrick,former ambassador to the United Nations. Jeanne, are you ready?
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Yes, quite ready.
Bob Albert: Well, that’s good, because we’re going to start withyou. What category, Jeanne?
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Well, actually, I’ve been a professor of History,so I decided to make it interesting, and I choose Literature.
Bob Albert: Alright, Literature for $100, and the answer is: “Authorof the ‘Grapes of Wrath’.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: John Steinbeck. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Ooh, I’m sorry! Ernest Hemingway! [ approachesLes ] Les, you want to stick with Literature?
Les Shermeyer: Uh.. no, Bob, let’s go for State Capitols.
Bob Albert: State Capitols, for $100: Oklahoma.
Les Shermeyer: Oklahoma City. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Alright!
Les Shermeyer: Uh.. let’s keep going.
Bob Albert: New York State.
Les Shermeyer: New York City. [ dings ]
Bob Albert: Very good, Les!
Les Shermeyer: Let’s go again!
Bob Albert: New Jersey.
Les Shermeyer: Jersey City. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Whoa-ho! You’re on a roll!
Les Shermeyer: Let’s go again.
Bob Albert: Virigina.
Les Shermeyer: Virigina City. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: And last one. Washington.
Les Shermeyer: Washington, D.C. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: You swept through that category! And now, let’sgo on to..?
Les Shermeyer: Literature.
Bob Albert: Literature, for $200: Author of Christmas Carol.
Les Shermeyer: Ebenezer Scrooge. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Okay!
Les Shermeyer: Literature for $300, Bob!
Bob Albert: Literature for $300: Author of Huckleberry Finn.
Les Shermeyer: Tom Sawyer. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Ohh, sorry. The answer is Ernest Hemingway, sorry.
[ addresses audience ] And now, let’s take a minute to explain the rulesto “Common Knowledge”. Questions for our show are show are selected byeducators from Princeton University to express a broad range of commonknowledge that every American should possess. Answers for “CommonKnowledge” are determined by a nationwide survey of 17-year-old highschool seniors. And now, back to you, Jeanne.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: [ flabbergasted ] History.
Bob Albert: Alright! History, for $100: His assassination sparkedWorld War I.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Archduke Ferdinand. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Oh, sorry! The answer is Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln.Les?>br>
Les Shermeyer: I’m gonna stay with History, Bob, for $200.
Bob Albert: History for $200: The Louisiana Purchase was obtainedfrom this country.
Les Shermeyer: Louisiana. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Alright!
Les Shermeyer: History for $300, Bob.
Bob Albert: Alright. When he discovered America, ChristopherColumbus thought he had landed in..
Les Shermeyer: Columbia. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Oh, sorry. The answer is America. Back toJeanne Kirkpatrick.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Uh.. History, for $400.
Bob Albert: History, for $400: First man to land on the moon.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Neil.. uh.. John Glenn. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Terrific, Jeanne! You’re on the board now!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: History, for $500.
Bob Albert: History, for $500: Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of..
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Gettysburg. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Oh, sorry. Jericho. The Battle of Jericho.Tough one. But, Jeanne, don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to catch up,because it’s time for our Lighning Round! Let’s bring out the 17-year-olds!Bring them out! [ one teenage sits with Jeanne, the other sits with Les ]Okay, Jeanne, you’re being teamed with Kyle Knopfler, a high school seniorfrom Troy, New York.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: How do you do, pleased to meet you.
Kyle: Hi! [ tosses his hair ]
Bob Albert: Kyle, has your high school education given you the toolsyou need to go out into the real world?
Kyle: Uh.. I.. you know.. whatever, I don’t know.. I mean.. yeah,sure.. I guess so.. [ laughs ]
Bob Albert: Terrific answer! [ approaches the opposing team ] And,Les, you’re playing with Tracy Pollackson, a high school senior from NewYork. Tracy, you were supposed to be on the show yesterday, butthere was a mix-up of some kind?
Tracy: I got on the wrong plane.
Bob Albert: Who-ho-ho-ho! Alright, let’s start our Lightning Round!Les picked Presidents. Are you and Tracy ready? Okay, go.[ clock starts ticking ]
Tracy: [ GRANT ] “The British are coming! The British are coming!”
Les Shermeyer: Grant!
Tracy: [ WILSON ] Dennis the Menace!
Les Shermeyer: President Mitchell.
Tracy: His neighbor!
Les Shermeyer: Woodrow Wilson!
Bob Albert: Alright – Tag Team![ Les and Tracy trade places ]
Les Shermeyer: [ TYLER ] Tippecanoe!
Les Shermeyer: Pass! [ Kennedy ] Sex!
Tracy: President Hart!
Les Shermeyer: Marilyn Monroe!
Bob Albert: Alright, that’s great! Very good! Now, Jeanne. Jeanne,before the show you picked the category of Historical Dates. Are you ready,Jeanne and Kyle?
Kyle: Alright, ready!
Bob Albert: Alright! Begin!
Kyle: [ 1215 ] Uh.. Civil War.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1861.
Kyle: Ci-vil War!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1861-1865!
Kyle: Uh.. pass.. [ 1787 ] Uh.. Pilgrims!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1620.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1621!
Kyle: Pass! [ 1929 ] Uh.. uh.. uh.. Gold Rush!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1849.
Kyle: Gold Rush!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1914! 1419! 1945!
Bob Albert: Tag Team! Tag Team! Let’s go! [ Kyle rushes around toJeanne’s seat, while Jeanne slowly walks around ] Come on, Jeanne, come on!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: [ 1815 ] Congres of Vienna.
Kyle: Uh.. 1964.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Pass. [ 1917 ] Bohlshvek Revolution.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Uh.. Pilgrims land!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Battle of Auschweitz!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Korean War!
Kyle: Uh.. 1917!
Bob Albert: Oh, sorry, Jeanne. You only got one right.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: [ peeved ] May I say something, please? Thisprogram is an outrage! This program just doesn’t do justice to the educationalsystem, which upholds the fragile civilization of our country together!
Bob Albert: Oh well, sor-ry Je-anne! Les is still our champion, butyou’ll be going home with $400 and a year’s subscription to TV Guide!TV Guide, the most widely-read publication in the world.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: In the United States.
Bob Albert: Oh, whatever you say! Well, anyway, that’s”Common Knowledge”. And remember: It’s not what you know, but what youthink you know! Good night, everyone!