Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 1
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
Music Intro: “Should I Stay Or Should I Go”, The Clash.
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
Beleagured Judge Robert Bork, in an effort to win some public sympathy, deliberately fell into an abandoned well in his back yard, trapping himself thirty feet underground. So far, no effort has been made to rescue him.
A happy ending to the Midland, Texas rescue operation which retrieved Baby Jessica from the well. Evidentally, she was wedged twenty-two feet below the surface, between three feet of solid bedrock and Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward.
A side note to that story. To squeeze through a narrow underground opening, they sent down a man who had no collarbone. How long you think this guy’s been waiting by the phone, huh?
On Wall Street yesterday, the Dow Jones Industrial plummetted more than 100 points, prompting New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.
While Wall Street suffered a down week, condom stocks continued to rise. I often hear people nowadays whine about the fact they have to wear condoms when they make love. This seems to me to be a rather minor argument. I’ll tell you how I approach it. I wear two in my everyday life. When I go to make love, I take one off, I feel like a wild man! Sort of like swinging two bats in the on-deck circle.
You know, it’s really too bad about Judge Bork. Not only has he been rejected, but he already went ahead and ordered his robes.
Robert Bork’s beard has left him for a younger man – ABC “Growing Pains” star, Kirk Cameron.
Jerry Falwell stepped down last week as the Chairman of the PTL, possibly paving the way for the return of Jim Bakker. You know, I don’t trust any of these preachers. I see through these guys like used Nutragena. They say they don’t favor any particular denomination, but I think we’ve all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties.
A followup note. Sen. Joe Biden this week issued what he called his final statement on accusations that he plagierized major parts of speeches from other politicians. Biden said he was, in fact, not stealing, but rather he is a channeler. Biden said, “Other people speak through me, particularly politicians.”
Now that congresswoman Pat Schroeder has dropped out of the Presidential race, she’s gone back to her old job working as Senor Wences’ fist.
Dennis Miller: This season, Weekend Update will be following the race for the White House. And who better to cover the last presidential election in the Al Franken Decade than Al Franken himself.
Al Franken: Thanks, Dennis. You know, a lot of people come up to me and say, “Al Franken, why don’t you run for President?” Well, I’d like to be President, I think I’d be a great one. Perhaps one of the greatest in our nation’s history. But I don’t want to submit myself to the intrusive scrutiny characteristic of today’s presidential politics. For example, I’d have to give up adultery. Yes, this is the year of the damaging disclosure. Of course, Gary Hart for womanizing, Joe Biden for plagierism. But every one of the remaining candidates has some sort of skeleton in his closet, some dark secret, some character flaw just waiting to be uncovered. And who better to do it than me, Al Franken. So tonight, starting alphabetically, I confront former two-term Arizona governor Bruce Babbitt.
Al Franken V/O: I caught up to Gov. Babbitt on a recent stopover in New York.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Al, this campaign is about America’s future, how we can control that deficit, the importance of investing in the education of our nation’s children.
Al Franken: Uh-huh. Governor, what about the character issue?
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: What about it?
Al Franken: I’m referring to your long history of going into supermarket express lanes with more than ten items?
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: [ outraged ] Who told you that? The Dukakais campaign?
Al Franken: Well, I don’t want to reveal my sources, but.. yeah.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Look, Al, it’s a lie! It just, it just isn’t true!
Al Franken: Well, Governor, you might want to take a look at this. [ holds up tape labeled “Babbitt Express Lane” ] [ a stunned expression appears on Gov. Babbitt’ face ] [ cut to slide graphic, SUPER: “Babbitt Express Lane, Please Return To Dukakis Campaign” ] [ cut to security camera footage of Gov. Babbitt trying to sneak more than ten items into the Express lane at his local supermarket ]
Cashier: Have a nice day. [ to Gov. Babbitt ] I’m sorry sir, this is the express lane. The sign says 10 items or less and you’ve got.. 14 items.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Aw, c’mon. Give me a break. The soup is 3 for a dollar. That’s one item.
Cashier: It’s still 12 items, sir.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Aw, c’mon… give me a break… I’m running for president. I’m in a hurry.
Cashier: Next please.[ cut back to Al and Dennis at the Update desk ]
Dennis Miller: Now, Al, how do you think this embarrassing exposure will affect the campaign?
Al Franken: Well, Dennis, it’s already had an effect. The Babbitt damage control team has been meeting around the clock, and the rest of the Dukakis staff has been forved to resign.
Dennis Miller: Now, hold on, Al. I understand from off-camera I’ve been told that Gov. Babbitt is about to make a statement. Let’s go to that, live.[ cut to live Babbitt press conference footage ]
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Good evening. It is time that I step up.. and admit.. that in the past I have been guilty of the injudicious use of grocery store express lanes. But I would like to point out.. that on one such occasion.. the cashier actually counted a Kellogg’s snack pack as six items.. [ holds up letter ] ..and I have here a letter from Kellogg’s referring to the snack pack as “an item”. But that’s not the point. I have.. more than once.. taken the shortcut in supermarkets.. and I apologize. Now, some say that I should withdraw from the race. But I say.. Hell no![ cut back to Al and Dennis at the Update desk ]
Dennis Miller: Well, Al, thank you for the report.
Al Franken: Well, thank you, Dennis. Next time, Missouri congressman Richard Gephardt: does he borrow tools and not return them? This is Al Franken saying, “This is me, Al Franken.”
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Al. Al Franken.
You know, while I realize that the Papal visit to the United States is over, we were on hiatus, and I didn’t get an opportunity to show you this. I hung on to it because I kneww you’d want to see it. Obviously, there was a rather embarrassing moment during the Pope’s tour. The Pope, it seems, walked over a subway grate. [ show “Seven Year Itch” style photo with the Pope assuming the Marilyn Monroe role ] One of those vicous updrafts, you know. Nice legs on the old guy, huh?
People Magazine’s cover story was Pat Anthony, the surrogate mother who gave birth to her own grandchildren. Her daughter Karen plans to legally adopt the triplets, which means the kids’ biological mother is now their stepmother, her husband is no lnoger their grandfather, and they won’t have to call each other “Uncle”. They also announced plans to move to Aurora, Alabama, where this sort of relationship doesn’t seem to be a problem.
Here’s a headline: “New Reagan Policy to Cut Benefits For the Aged, Blind and Disabled.” When contacted for a comment on this rather troubling headline, a spokesman for the President said, “Hey, as long as you spell the name right.”
Actress Glenn Close, following her well-received performance in “Fatal Attraction”, this week signed with MGM to play her most challenging role yet – an unborn child having an affair with a married man. The film, “Fetal Attraction”, is set for a Christmas release.
Dennis Miller: And now, with a sociological introspective on the state of women today, here is Weekend Update correspondent Victoria Jackson.
Victoria Jackson: Thank you, Dennis! [ sighs ] It seems absurd to me that, in 1987, the only women making headlines seem to be religious airheads, party girls and political strumpets. And then I just heard that Suzanne Somers is returning to prime time. These women have set back the feminist movement twenty years, and I, for one, am outraged!
Dennis Miller: [ chuckling ] Victoria, I cannot believe that you’re outraged, with your image.
Victoria Jackson: What are you saying, Dennis?[ breaks into song ]
“Just because of the way I look
Just because of what I wear.
Just because of how I act
And how I fix my hair.
You think you can label me
But don’t you dare.
‘Cause I am not a bimbo!
So I giggle when I talk
So I wiggle when I walk.
I got extra body fat
You gonna call me bimbo just for that?
Just because my voice is high
And my attitude is light
It doesn’t mean that I’m not serious
I read Newsweek twice last night!
So why should I be
The brunt of your jokes, your mockery?
When I am not a bimbo!”[ spoken ] I know how to work a Xerox machine, and it’s really complicated. I know where the dipstick of my car is, you know when the engine is broken? I’m not stupid, I’m the opposite! Okay, I read my horoscope. But I don’t always believe in it. I may be pruciferous. I may be vacuous. But I am not a bimbo. It has a negative connotation, or something.
“I am not a bimbo!”[ jumps on desk, removes skirt and dances for Dennis’ pleasure ]
I am not a bimbo!
So I dot my i’s with hearts
And I sleep with a teddy bear.
It doesn’t mean that I’m not smart
I know all about the ozone layer.
You see, I am not a bimbo!
You know that the Second Law of Thermodynamics says the world is in a state of entropy?
Dennis Miller: Really?[ music close ]
Victoria Jackson: Thank you!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Victoria.
You know, folks, I’m not onyl the Hair Club President, I’m also a member.
While we were away this summer, Lt. Col. Oliver North testified before the Iran-Contra committee, and the transcripts of his testimony are currently available in book form and on videocassette. Some people feel that Oliver North is a hero. Well, I’m just glad the Manson trials weren’t televised.
You know, it was fifteen years ago today that Elvis.. uh.. well, I’m sure he did something. He was the King, it was the weekend.
You know, this week an Iranian ship fired machine gun rounds at an “NBC Nightly News” helicopter, just missing the news crew. A spokesman for the Iranian government apologized later in the day saying, “Hey, we’re sorry! We thought it was the ‘Today Show’ helicopter!”
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!