Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 1
Slide Whistle Sound Effects
Steve…..Steve Martin
Diane…..Victoria Jackson
Waiter…..Kevin Nealon
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Man…..Jon Lovitz
[ open on Steve and Diane sitting at a table in a small, intimate restaurant ]
Steve: Well, uh, thanks for joining me from the bar, Diane. I thought I was going to be eating alone tonight. It is Diane, right?
Diane: Yes.
Steve: So, uh, what do you do for fun?
Diane: Well, um.. in the last year, I’ve really gotten into gymnastics.
[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]
Steve: You must be in, uh, pretty good shape.
Diane: Well, actually, I was. But for the past month, I’ve been kind of sick.
[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: A month? It must have been pretty serious. Do you mind my asking what it was?Well.. just between you and me, I wasn’t really sick. I got breast implants. But.. I’m okay now!
[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates extra sharply ]
Diane: So, what exactly is it that you do?
Steve: I’m a lawyer.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]
Diane: Uh.. what kind of law?
Steve: Uh.. public defender.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Well, actually, that’s just the pro bono work I’m doing for my firm. We really represent a lot of celebrities.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]
Diane: Really? Like who?
Steve: Ohhh.. Frank Stallone.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Uh.. Sam Shephard.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]
Steve: Uh.. Hume Cronym and Jessica Tandy.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates slowly ]
[ Waiter stops in front of table ]
Waiter: The wine list, sir.
Steve: Ah, thank you. Uh, excuse me. Do you accept credit cards?
Waiter: Uh, no sir. Only cash.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Uh, Diane.. do you have any cash, if I run a little short?
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Diane: Uh.. no, actually.. I’m sorry.. I don’t.
Steve: Oh, don’t worry. I can handle it. [ to Waiter ] We’ll just have half a carafe of the house wine, please.
[ close-up of Waiter’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Waiter: Very well, sir. [ he exits ]
Diane: It’s probably a good thing we’re only getting a half a carafe, because I get a little out of control when I drink. [ laughs ]
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Diane: Until I end up puking in some bus station.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Diane: Or passing out on a sofa somewhere.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
[ cut to next table, where a Man and Woman sit on a first date ]
Woman: So.. enough about me. Tell me about yourself.
Man: Well, I’m.. single.
[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Man: I’m a doctor.
[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Man: I’m Jewish.
[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Man: Orthadox.
[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
[ cut back to Steve and Diane’s table ]
Diane: [ looking over the menu ] I wonder if I can just get some broiled fish. I’m on this really good diet, it’s a good sex diet.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Diane: It really works, I’ve lost about 110 pounds so far.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Diane: So, where do you live?
Steve: Well, I, uh.. live with my mother.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Actually, she’s got the top floor, I’ve got the bottom three – it’s a brownstone.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Steve: In East Harlem.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: You know, it’s amazing what’s happening up there – the place is worth about five times what I paid for it.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Steve: And, it’s a good thing, too, because I can use the money to help pay Mom’s medical bills.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Of course, the doctor said she could go any day now.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Steve: Or, she could linger on for years.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Hey, this place is too cheap – my wallet’s out in my Porsche outside. Let’s go someplace else!
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Diane: Okay!
Steve: Let’s go!
[ Diane stands tall, as Steve’s slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Steve: [ whistles himself ] Okay! Here we go!
[ Steve stands, revealing that he is a midget, as Diane’s slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
[ they exit scene, to fade ]
