SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 10/17/87: Slide Whistle Sound Effects



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 1









87a: Steve Martin / Sting

Slide Whistle Sound Effects

Steve…..Steve Martin
Diane…..Victoria Jackson
Waiter…..Kevin Nealon
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Man…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Steve and Diane sitting at a table in a small, intimate restaurant ]

Steve: Well, uh, thanks for joining me from the bar, Diane. I thought I was going to be eating alone tonight. It is Diane, right?

Diane: Yes.

Steve: So, uh, what do you do for fun?

Diane: Well, um.. in the last year, I’ve really gotten into gymnastics.

[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]

Steve: You must be in, uh, pretty good shape.

Diane: Well, actually, I was. But for the past month, I’ve been kind of sick.

[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: A month? It must have been pretty serious. Do you mind my asking what it was?Well.. just between you and me, I wasn’t really sick. I got breast implants. But.. I’m okay now!

[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates extra sharply ]

Diane: So, what exactly is it that you do?

Steve: I’m a lawyer.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]

Diane: Uh.. what kind of law?

Steve: Uh.. public defender.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: Well, actually, that’s just the pro bono work I’m doing for my firm. We really represent a lot of celebrities.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]

Diane: Really? Like who?

Steve: Ohhh.. Frank Stallone.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: Uh.. Sam Shephard.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]

Steve: Uh.. Hume Cronym and Jessica Tandy.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates slowly ]

[ Waiter stops in front of table ]

Waiter: The wine list, sir.

Steve: Ah, thank you. Uh, excuse me. Do you accept credit cards?

Waiter: Uh, no sir. Only cash.

[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: Uh, Diane.. do you have any cash, if I run a little short?

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Diane: Uh.. no, actually.. I’m sorry.. I don’t.

Steve: Oh, don’t worry. I can handle it. [ to Waiter ] We’ll just have half a carafe of the house wine, please.

[ close-up of Waiter’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Waiter: Very well, sir. [ he exits ]

Diane: It’s probably a good thing we’re only getting a half a carafe, because I get a little out of control when I drink. [ laughs ]

[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Diane: Until I end up puking in some bus station.

[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Diane: Or passing out on a sofa somewhere.

[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

[ cut to next table, where a Man and Woman sit on a first date ]

Woman: So.. enough about me. Tell me about yourself.

Man: Well, I’m.. single.

[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Man: I’m a doctor.

[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Man: I’m Jewish.

[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Man: Orthadox.

[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

[ cut back to Steve and Diane’s table ]

Diane: [ looking over the menu ] I wonder if I can just get some broiled fish. I’m on this really good diet, it’s a good sex diet.

[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Diane: It really works, I’ve lost about 110 pounds so far.

[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Diane: So, where do you live?

Steve: Well, I, uh.. live with my mother.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: Actually, she’s got the top floor, I’ve got the bottom three – it’s a brownstone.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Steve: In East Harlem.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: You know, it’s amazing what’s happening up there – the place is worth about five times what I paid for it.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Steve: And, it’s a good thing, too, because I can use the money to help pay Mom’s medical bills.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: Of course, the doctor said she could go any day now.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Steve: Or, she could linger on for years.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: Hey, this place is too cheap – my wallet’s out in my Porsche outside. Let’s go someplace else!

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Diane: Okay!

Steve: Let’s go!

[ Diane stands tall, as Steve’s slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Steve: [ whistles himself ] Okay! Here we go!

[ Steve stands, revealing that he is a midget, as Diane’s slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

[ they exit scene, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *