SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 10/17/87: Slide Whistle Sound Effects



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 1









87a: Steve Martin / Sting

Slide Whistle Sound Effects

Steve…..Steve Martin
Diane…..Victoria Jackson
Waiter…..Kevin Nealon
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Man…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Steve and Diane sitting at a table in a small, intimate restaurant ]

Steve: Well, uh, thanks for joining me from the bar, Diane. I thought I was going to be eating alone tonight. It is Diane, right?

Diane: Yes.

Steve: So, uh, what do you do for fun?

Diane: Well, um.. in the last year, I’ve really gotten into gymnastics.

[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]

Steve: You must be in, uh, pretty good shape.

Diane: Well, actually, I was. But for the past month, I’ve been kind of sick.

[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: A month? It must have been pretty serious. Do you mind my asking what it was?Well.. just between you and me, I wasn’t really sick. I got breast implants. But.. I’m okay now!

[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates extra sharply ]

Diane: So, what exactly is it that you do?

Steve: I’m a lawyer.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]

Diane: Uh.. what kind of law?

Steve: Uh.. public defender.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: Well, actually, that’s just the pro bono work I’m doing for my firm. We really represent a lot of celebrities.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]

Diane: Really? Like who?

Steve: Ohhh.. Frank Stallone.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: Uh.. Sam Shephard.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]

Steve: Uh.. Hume Cronym and Jessica Tandy.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates slowly ] [ Waiter stops in front of table ]

Waiter: The wine list, sir.

Steve: Ah, thank you. Uh, excuse me. Do you accept credit cards?

Waiter: Uh, no sir. Only cash.

[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: Uh, Diane.. do you have any cash, if I run a little short?

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Diane: Uh.. no, actually.. I’m sorry.. I don’t.

Steve: Oh, don’t worry. I can handle it. [ to Waiter ] We’ll just have half a carafe of the house wine, please.

[ close-up of Waiter’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Waiter: Very well, sir. [ he exits ]

Diane: It’s probably a good thing we’re only getting a half a carafe, because I get a little out of control when I drink. [ laughs ] [ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Diane: Until I end up puking in some bus station.

[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Diane: Or passing out on a sofa somewhere.

[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ] [ cut to next table, where a Man and Woman sit on a first date ]

Woman: So.. enough about me. Tell me about yourself.

Man: Well, I’m.. single.

[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Man: I’m a doctor.

[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Man: I’m Jewish.

[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Man: Orthadox.

[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ] [ cut back to Steve and Diane’s table ]

Diane: [ looking over the menu ] I wonder if I can just get some broiled fish. I’m on this really good diet, it’s a good sex diet.

[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Diane: It really works, I’ve lost about 110 pounds so far.

[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Diane: So, where do you live?

Steve: Well, I, uh.. live with my mother.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: Actually, she’s got the top floor, I’ve got the bottom three – it’s a brownstone.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Steve: In East Harlem.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: You know, it’s amazing what’s happening up there – the place is worth about five times what I paid for it.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Steve: And, it’s a good thing, too, because I can use the money to help pay Mom’s medical bills.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: Of course, the doctor said she could go any day now.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Steve: Or, she could linger on for years.

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]

Steve: Hey, this place is too cheap – my wallet’s out in my Porsche outside. Let’s go someplace else!

[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Diane: Okay!

Steve: Let’s go!

[ Diane stands tall, as Steve’s slide whistle sound effect elevates ]

Steve: [ whistles himself ] Okay! Here we go!

[ Steve stands, revealing that he is a midget, as Diane’s slide whistle sound effect deflates ] [ they exit scene, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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