Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 4
Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi…..Jon Lovitz
Church Lady: Hello, I’m the Church Lady, and this is “Church Chat”! You know, I get a lots of letters here on “Church Chat”, and, during my summer hiatus, I got one that I’d like to share with you in particular. Alrighty.. [ holds up letter ] ..a boy named Steve writes: “Church Lady, you are a weird chick. What kind of trip are you on, anyway? Who do you think you are – God’s favorite?” Well, Steve, let’s try a little experiment here. If I’m not God’s favorite, let me explode right now! [ nothing happens; she smirks ] I’m still here! [ tears up note ] I think we settled that.
Now, my first guest comes from a country halfway across the world, where they look different, they talk different, and they worship a different Lord. But we at “Church Chat” have an open mind, so let’s welcome Iranian diplomat, Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi. [ Rashashimi sits on the couch ] Well, welcome to “Church Chat”, Rashashimi.
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: May I ask you something? Why are you called the Church Lady? I’m not called the Iranian Guy.
Church Lady: Well, we made a little funny, didn’t we? We like ourselves, don’t we? We just like to talk, talk, talk, talk. Well, listen, Rashashimi, I understand our country had a little run-in with the United States Navy?
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: No matter how big you think you are, you will never control the Gullah! We will come from the East We will come from the West! And you will never know where we strike.
Church Lady: Oh, I think we’ll know, Rashashimi – ever heard of a little thing claled.. RADAR?!
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: We also have radar!
Church Lady: And you also have one less oil platform, don’t you? Thanks, of course, to our fully-loaded F-14 Tomcat Super Pilot.
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: We will destroy you! Mohammed is on our side!
Church Lady: I’m sure Mohammed is a lovely prophet. But we also have a prophet, perhaps you’ve heard of him – a little guy called Jesus? You remember him , Christ our Savior, the Son of Man, the King of Kings, the baby prince, the cloud stud, the heavenly host, Jay Ceeeeee! Okay, Rashashimi, why don’t you and the camel you rode in on just scooch on over, okay? Scoot, scoot, scoot! [ Rashashimi scoots over ] Alrighty.. please welcome my next guet, a critically-acclaimed actor who is sometimes controversial, but always entertaining – Sean Penn!
Sean Penn: [ sits down ] Hello, Church Lady!
Church Lady: Well, welcome, Sean. You know, I’ve got to make a comment here. You know, we met backstage, and you seem like such a nice young man.. and yet, you have this reputation for being a drunken pugilist.
Sean Penn: Well, Church Lady, that’s all over. I’ve put it all behind me, I’ve learned my lesson, and I’ve done my time.
Church Lady: Oh, that’s right, you were in prison, weren’t you? Jail, up the river, in the slammer, downtown, the big house, the cooler, yes!
Sean Penn: I get the point..
Church Lady: Mmm-hmm. And did that little temper get us here, Sean?
Sean Penn: I was, uh, provoked on a few occasions.
Church Lady: Ohhhh.. so we just slug, slug, slug, anytime we feel like it, hmm? Have we ever heard “Turn the other cheek”, Sean? But then, I guess we ouldn’t get all that free publicity, would we?
Sean Penn: Now, wait a minute! I never asked for publicity! I’m not saying my actions were right, but I never wanted the publicity!
Church Lady: Well, what did we want, Sean – the Middleweight title?
Sean Penn: Listen, you’d better lay off of me!
Church Lady: Oh, what a treat. We’re getting to see some of that famous temper, aren’t we? And the cameras are here to catch it – how convenient!
Sean Penn: Alright.. okay.. I’m cool. My agent told me this was gonna be a rough gig, but I want to do it, I’m cool.
Church Lady: Alrighty, alrighty.. well, now that we’re friends again, Sean, I’d like to ask a little favor. [ pulls a camera out of her desk ] I’d like to take your picture for my scrapbook..
Sean Penn: [ angry ] No, we agreed, no pictures!
Church Lady: I’ll put you right next to Jim Nabors.
Sean Penn: No pictures!
Church Lady: No pictures. Alrighty, don’t get all huffy-huffy. No pictures. [ points ] Sean, what’s that over there, some cheese?
Sean Penn: [ confused ] Some cheese? [ looks – Church Lady snaps his picture ] Hey, don’t play games with me, now!
Church Lady: [ puts camera away ] No, never would.. okay, so there’s no cheese over there, after all.. Now, Sin.. excuse me – Sean – we all make mistakes.. now, listen, you are married to.. I’m sorry, what is her name?
Sean Penn: Madonna.
Church Lady: Madonna. Oh.. Madonna. So, she’s named after the mother of our Lord. But she doen’t quite live up to the same standards, does she? One gave birth to the Savior of all mankind.. and the other prances around in a black teddy to the delight of pre-teen onlookers.
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: I have seen this! This is true!
Sean Penn: Shut up!
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: [ starts babbling in Iranian ]
Church Lady: Rashashimi? Rashashimi? Rashashimi? You’re spitting up again. [ to Sean ] Sean, perhaps we’ve unfairly characterized your lovely wife, so, in fairness, let’s show a sample of her work. Can we roll that clip, please?[ a sexy clip of Madonna’s “Open My Heart” video is played ]
Well, isn’t that special?
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: You see, I told you!
Sean Penn: Shut up!
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: I will give you two million drachma for the dancing woman!
Sean Penn: Just shut up!
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: You like horses? I have horses..
Church Lady: Rashashimi? Please. Rashashimi. Let’s all just settle down here. Now, Sean, as you could see by the video, there she was in her satin corset.. her bulbous buttocks gyrating to the delight of little boys evreywhere.. her chestal area, on all fours, and a very —
Sean Penn: [ extends his fist and punches Church Lady in the nose ]
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: It is true! It is true what the Church Woman has said..!
Sean Penn: [ jumps over the couch and proceeds to strangle Rashashimi ]
Church Lady: [ runs in and smashes a vase over Sean’s head, then hops on his back ] Help me, Jesus! [ Sean fights back, but she drops him with one punch ] Isn’t that special![ title bar appears, as camera zooms out ]
Announcer: This has been “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.