Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 3
Dr. Dick Mauser……Dabney Coleman
[ open on nameplate: “Dr. Dick Mauser, Marriage Counselor” ]
[ dissolve to interior, Dr. Mauser’s office, as he sits between Gary and Marybeth ]
Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, Gary and Marybeth, I’m glad you two have sought professional counseling. That says to me that you’re both committed to working out your differences to save your marriage.
Gary: Well, Doctor, I gotta admit, coming here was her idea.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, maybe so, Gary. But you came here, and to me that says everything. Marriage is like a garden, it takes a lot of work, it needs nurturing. But hey, you’ve gotten over the hardest part. I mean, you’ve walked through that door, and that says to me that you’re.. in my office. [ brief pause ] Okay, let’s talk.
Marybeth: Dr. Mauser, it is such a relief to finally get this out in the open in front of an objective third party.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Uh-huh.
Marybeth: Now, God knows I’ve tried to talk to Gary, but there’s no communication! I’m talking to myself!
Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, you see, that’s exactly why I’m here. To listen, and to help you hear each other.
Marybeth: That’s music to my ears, Doctor. Now, what am I feeling? I feel neglected. The kids feel neglected. Gary works late, he works weekends. And when he’s not working, he’s out golfing!
Dr. Dick Mauser: Mmm-hmm. I see. [ turns to Gary ] Now, what’s your handicap?
Dr. Dick Mauser: 5? No kidding? So’s mine! We ought to play sometime!
Marybeth: He takes no responsibility at home! It’s as if he’s a complete stranger! He treats the house like it’s a hotel!
Gary: Yeah, yeah, it’s my fault, right! It’s all me!
Marybeth: Honey, I’m just trying to explain to Dr. Mauser that I —
Dr. Dick Mauser: Look, honey, Dr. Mauser doesn’t need things explained to him, okay? Now, Gary, I’m sensing you’re feeling unappreciated.
Gary: Well, yeah, I think they ought to appreciate me, now that you mention it, Dr. Mauser.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Call me Dick, if you want to.
Gary: Dick, I work hard for a living.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Uh-huh. You bust your butt, I’m sure.
Gary: Yeah! I come home, and there’s no “Hi honey, how are you?” There’s no dinner on the table —
Marybeth: Well, you come home at 3 a.m.!
Dr. Dick Mauser: Sweetheart, would you give it a rest? Huh? Now, you were saying, Gary?
Gary: Uh.. I was saying that I work hard.. and, uh.. I work hard.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Long hours, you’re beat, you need sympathy, a little validation, and she doesn’t seem to get that. I mean, with her it’s all me, me, me!
Marybeth: It just so happens that she finds it hard to sympathize with a man that thinks nothing of shooting skeet in the backyard! We have small children running around! Now, am I crazy to set up a few simple rules?!
Gary: [ sighs heavily ] See, this is what I have to put up with right here!
Dr. Dick Mauser: No, no, wait a minute.. is this true, Gary? You shoot skeet in your backyard?
Gary: Well.. Jason loves it.
Marybeth: Justin! Your son’s name is Justin!
Dr. Dick Mauser: Hey, hey – Jason, Justin, what difference does it make, okay? Skeet shooting in your own backyard? I mean, what kind of gun do you use?
Gary: Well, I just bought a new 12-gauge Remington.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Oh, really? Do you prefer that to the Winchester?
Gary: Oh, no comparison! It’s got good balance, real knock down power —
[ Marybeth stands to leave ]
Dr. Dick Mauser: Hey, hey, hey! You sit your big, fat butt down, okay!
Marybeth: [ annoyed ] Well, I beg your pardon, Doctor! I came here to salvage what is left of my marriage! Now, when he slinks home at all hours of the morning, stinking of gin and jungle gardenia, am I paranoid to think that you’re sleeping with your twenty-three year-old secretary?!!
Dr. Dick Mauser: Now, wait.. wait a minute.. once again, that’s a very serious accusation. Is this true, Gary?
Gary: [ hesitant ] Well.. actually.. she’s 22.
Marybeth: I knew it! I knew it! I knew I’m not imagining things!
Dr. Dick Mauser: [ mimicks her ]
Gary: [ gushing ] Chrissy is unbelievable, man! She thinks I’m a god!
Dr. Dick Mauser: Yeah? What, legs up to.. about here? [ points to his upper thigh ]
Gary: Yeah! And hooters that just won’t quit!
[ they laugh ]
Dr. Dick Mauser: Look, look, look, wait a minute.. Okay, I gotta apologize here, because we’re getting off the subject a little bit. Let’s use the old Democratic process, shall we? Why don’t we just say all those that think Gary is right and she is wrong, why don’t we just raise our right hands right now?
[ Gary and Dr. Mauser raise their hands ]
Gary: Gary! Gary! Gary!
Together: Gary!! Gary!! Gary!!
[ the chanting ceases ]
Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, what is it?
Marybeth: This is not exactly the objective forum I was seeking when I decided to get some marital help! I will leave you now to measure your penises! Good day!
[ Marybeth storms out of the office ]
Dr. Dick Mauser: Hmm.. wow. Gary, uh.. let me ask you a question, okay?
Gary: Sure, Dick, shoot.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Do you, uh.. do you think the Yankeees did the right thing hiring Billy Martin back?
Gary: Hey, I don’t think that was their problem. They need a good left-handed pitcher.
[ fade to black ]