Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 3
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.[ Applause ]
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Uh, good evening, and what can I tell you?[ Monitor: Picture of Daily News headline “RON, GORBY SET THE DATE” ]
Well, it’s official: Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev yesterday announced plans to marry on December 7th. Some of you might scoff at these two young kids making it, but I think it’s touching. Love does conquer all, even minor differences on the Star Wars Defense Initiative.
This December 7th, the summit, which will ban all medium-range nuclear missiles, and it’s already hit its first snag: the National Rifle Association has officially protested the treaty and says its members will continue to own and carry nuclear missiles, but only for hunting and self-protection, of course.[ Monitor: Picture of Ginsburg ] This is Reagan’s new Supreme Court nominee, judge Douglas Ginsburg. The fact that there is almost no written record on his views and opinions has confounded liberal opponents of judge Ginsburg. Weekend Update has uncovered some of Ginsburg’s writings, and I’d like to share ’em with you right now … [ takes out a copy of Allen Ginsberg’s Howl and reads from it ] … it’s a piece called “Howl” …
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical, naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn, looking for an angry fix, angel-headed hipsters, burning. [ puts the book away ] I dunno, I think this Ginsburg sounds like a very heavy cat, and I think uh … I think he’s gonna make a groovy justice.
And another wild week for stocks, as Cale Yarborough overcame Richard Petty to win the Talladega 500 NASCAR race.Vice-president George Bush, who has been looking to stake out his own political identity, finally broke with President Reagan for the first time this week. Speaking in Iowa, Bush said that he believes a president should work hard and know what’s going on.[ Monitor: picture of George H.W. Bush ] According to White House sources, Vice-president Bush last night said he had a dream, and he was a dashing buccaneer who sailed the Spanish main, rescuing maidens in distress and seizing treasure which he distributed to the poor. But when Mr. Bush awoke this morning, he was still vice-president, the Barney Fife of world politics. [ Monitor: another picture of George H.W. Bush, looking intoxicated ] In a … in a valiant effort to fight off the “wimp” label, vice-president George Bush has announced that, for the rest of the campaign, he’s changing his name to George Butch.
Dennis Miller: As a public service, tonight’s Weekend Update will have no stories about Jessica Hahn, Donna Rice, Fawn Hall or Tammy Faye Baker. It’s nothing personal, it’s just, enough is enough, okay girls?[ Applause. Dennis sits a ventriloquist dummy on his lap, then puts it away ]
Dennis Miller: No, no, what the hell am I doin’? You know …
Michael Jackson’s pet chimp, Bubbles, this week offered to pay $1,000,000 for the remains of John Merrick’s dog, the Elephant Benji.
The degenerative leniency that continues to erode the credibility of the California legal system was evident again this week when a man was acquitted in an L.A. murder trial after entering a plea of “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”Another near miss in the sky: earlier tonight, a PanAm jumbo jet came within fifty feet of a witch on a broomstick over Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport.
The federal government has gone ahead and allocated funds commissioning the building of a network of houses across the country which will attend to elderly people beginning to suffer from minor memory lapses. The so-called Ronald McReagan Houses will open in the spring of 1988.
Champion Garry Kasparov and challenger Anatoly Karpov both stormed out of the 7th game of the World Chess Championship Match in Seville, Spain, yesterday. Instead of riding out the tantrums, as per usual, the World Chess Federation brought in two replacement players to finish the game. Kasparov lost when his replacement, Jim Bob Booker, tried to jump Karpov’s king.
You know, I know there’s a trend towards frightening realism in children’s Halloween costumes, but I think it’s gone way too far. Imagine my terror when I answered my door earlier this evening, to find one of the little neighborhood kids je- dressed as Joan Collins’ estranged husband, Peter Holm. And the kid was really nasty. I gave him some Milk Duds, and he said that wasn’t enough, he also wanted the house.
Here now with a special Halloween message is Elvira, the mistress of the dark. Hello, Elvira.[ Applause ]
Elvira: [ sitting next to a small jack-o-lantern ] Hello. You know, tonight is a night when kids go trick-or-treating, their parents dress up in silly costumes, and jack-o-lanterns grin from porches everywhere. And all of these things are fine, but … it’s important to look beyond the candy corn and the, and the apple bobbing, and the orange and black crepe paper, and — and remember the true meaning of Halloween. I mean, Halloween is about death … and dying, and rotting forever in a dank, musty old coffin! It’s about panic and despair and screaming, always screaming … it’s about firing point blank into the head of an oncoming zombie, and all his gross junk starts leaking out! And it slows him down for a second, but then he just keeps on coming! … It’s about tapping your best friend on the shoulder and, and then turning him around and, “Oh my god — what have they done to him?!?” Folks, I mean the cardboard skeleton has its place, and as long as we don’t forget uh, you know, the meat hook. I mean, soaping windows can be fun, but — let’s not forget about burying people alive. So tonight, while you’re dressing up as a hula dancer, just take a moment to think of a — of a skull, with like worms crawling out of the eye holes … thank you.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Elvira. [ shakes hands with her ] It’s good to have you here. [ waits for applause to finish ] Thanks, Elvira. I think it needed to be said. You know, I bought a new Sony TV this week and I’m really confused about whether or not I’m supposed to peel off that sticker with the orange dots on it.[ Monitor: picture of joggers ] And tomorrow’s event is the 18th annual New York City Marathon, and while I’m not much for exercise to commemorate the event, I’m going to get up early and jog my memory. Hey, guess what, folks? That’s the news and I am outta here. [ Dennis gathers his papers as “Suffragette City” plays again. Fade to black ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez