SNL Transcripts: Robert Mitchum: 11/14/87: The Mountain Man


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 4

87d: Robert Mitchum / Simply Red

The Mountain Man

Mountain Man…..Dana Carvey
Rhonda…..Victoria Jackson
Sydney…..Jon Lovitz

[ fade in on a panorama of the mountain wilderness ]

Announcer: There have been many trappers and hunters in these woods.But none is manly as Rick “Peachfuzz” Parsons, the Mountain Man.

[ fade to inside a cabin, where the Mountain Man is cleaning his rifle bythe fireplace. Cut to the front door. ]

Rhonda: Here it is, honey – Mountain Man Tours. It’ll be so much fun.

Sydney: [ whining ] I’m tired!

Rhonda: Oh, come on. [ knocks at the door. Cut to the inside. ]

Mountain Man: Come in!

Rhonda: [ enters ] Hello, are you the tour guide they call theMountain Man?

Mountain Man: Yeah, that’s me.

Sydney: Hi, I’m Sydney Tacker. This is my wife, Rhonda.

Mountain Man: Yeah?

Rhonda: We heard about you, and we’d like to take that three-day hikeinto the mountains.

Mountain Man: Yeah, you would, huh?

Sydney: You’re a lot younger. I thought you’d be a lot bigger than that.

Mountain Man: [ points a flashlight at Sydney ] A baby cougar couldtake your leg off with one swipe.

Sydney: I understand.

Mountain Man: Yeah, you should. Let me ask you a question: you ever beento the mountains?

Sydney: Well no, actually, this is our first day.

Mountain Man: Well you know, these mountains can do funny things to aman.

Sydney: Yes, well I would imagine they could.

Mountain Man: Good response, Syd. Maybe I’ll take you to the mountainsafter all.

Rhonda: [ leaping for joy ] Yay!

Mountain Man: Shut up! I said “maybe.” First you gottalearn about mountain food. Mountain food, I love it. Slim jim tough rum beefjerky, I love that crap. [ takes a piece of food out of his pocket ] Thishere’s a banana chip, compact, efficient, perfect food for the mountains.Now, put it in your mouth. [ holds it up to Rhonda ] Put-it-in-your-mouth![ forces it in her mouth, where she keeps it ] Wrong! First rule of themountains: you don’t put something in your mouth just because a man tells youto. [ forces the food out ] Might make you sick. [ shoves it in his own mouth ]

Rhonda: See honey, I told you that.

Mountain Man: Shut up! You make me sick, you weekend campers with yoursquash-melted Hershey bars and your six pack of Perrier water!

Sydney: Hey, it’s not necessary to make fun of us.

Mountain Man: What do you know about essentials, you slipper boy?

Sydney: Look, I think we made a mistake. [ turns to leave ] Come on,let’s get going.

Rhonda: Oh honey, come on, it won’t be that bad.

Mountain Man: Come on, Sydney, I’m sorry about that. You wanna cometo the mountains, don’t you?

Sydney: Oh, I suppose.

Rhonda: Yeah, that’s the spirit.

Mountain Man: You’ve got some set of ovaries, woman.

Rhonda: Thank you. Um, did you hunt all those animals? [ gestures tothe animals hanging on the mantle ]

Mountain Man: Oh, so you noticed. Yeah, I killed them. [ admires theanimal heads ] I think if they could talk, they’d thank me.

Rhonda: Why?

Mountain Man: Why not? [to Sydney] What about you, ya ever kill anything?

Sydney: No, I think killing animals for sport is wrong.

Mountain Man: So you wouldn’t kill an animal. Ha!

Sydney: No.

Mountain Man: Yeah. Would you kill a moose that was molesting your wife?

Sydney: [ nervously ] Well, that would be different.

Mountain Man: Would it? I bet you have a teenie weenie peenie!

Sydney: [ stares down ] I’m very uncomfortable now. Goodbye. [ he andRhonda start to leave ]

Mountain Man: Wait a minute! Wait a minute. [ stops them ] I’m sorry,no you’re fine, you’re fine. Listen, if you don’t like the trip, I won’tcharge you. Now I just got a few more questions and we can hit thetrail! [ slaps them on the backs ] Huh?

Rhonda: All right!

Mountain Man: All right.

Rhonda: Let’s stay, Sydney.

Sydney: Oh, okay.

Mountain Man: Great, Sydney. [ picks up a heavy backpack ] You everbeen on a hundred-mile trip with a fifty-pound pack? [ throws the pack atSydney, who tries to catch it and falls down ]

Sydney: [ in pain ] No!

Mountain Man: Get up! Of course you haven’t, squat sergeant. Everfree-climbed a thousand-foot vertical cliff with sixty pounds of gearstrapped to your butt?

Sydney: [ uncomfortably ] No!

Mountain Man: ‘Course you haven’t, you fruit-whipped little geek!

Sydney: Hey wait a minute!

Mountain Man: Hey, you ever get a grizzly bear in a gridlock and askhim to say “Uncle”?

Rhonda: No, did you?

Mountain Man: Yeah. Do you think I was scared?

Rhonda: No, I don’t think you were scared.

Mountain Man: So scared I made a tiny poop in my Swiss hiking shorts.[ to Sydney ] Did you ever strap yourself nude to a mountain top and threatenyourself with a jackhammer?

Sydney: No.

Mountain Man: ‘Course you haven’t, you fruit-whipped little fairy!Panty-waisted little geek! How about this, you ever dip your head in hot,molten lava and just look around for a while?

Sydney: [ nervously, then confidently ] As a matter of fact, I have.

Mountain Man: You fool! You’d stick your head in a live volcano? Icannot be responsible for your safety. I’ve got to turn you folksdown. Now get out!

Sydney: [ shocked ] You’re turning us down?! We’re turningyou down! We came up here to enjoy nature, not to be abusedby some sickomaniac!

Mountain Man: [ calmly ] You are a tiny man. It’s many men like youthat make women turn lesbo.

Sydney: You can’t prove that!

Rhonda: Wait honey, remember what happened to your first wife?

Sydney: Shut up! Come on, let’s go! Let’s get out of here! I’vehad enough of this. [ he and Rhonda head for the door ]

Mountain Man: Wait a minute! Wait a minute.

Sydney: You’re a sick man!

Mountain Man: It’s not me! [ Rhonda and Sydney leave the cabin andslam the door ] It’s not me – it’s these damn mountains. They do funny thingsto a man.

[ coyote howls – Mountain Man stares off into space as the set fades to black ]

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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