SNL Transcripts: Paul Simon: 12/19/87: Desert Island Christmas


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 8

87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

Desert Island Christmas

David…..Paul Simon
Victoria…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on couple shipwrecked on an island ]

David: [ drags in a palm tree ] Honey, I think I found our Christmas tree!

Victoria: Oh! It’s perfect, David!

David: And what Christmas would be complete without.. [ revealsbag of gifts ] ..presents!

Victoria: Oh, David, you shouldn’t have.

David: I wanted to. Because if you can’t get a laugh on a desertisland, when can you get a laugh?

Victoria: That’s true. I got you something, too! [ pulls out giftfrom behind a bush ] Merry Christmas!

David: Oh, honey..

Victoria: Go ahead, open them up!

David: [ curious ] What can this be..? [ opens gift ] It’s a watch!It’s beautiful! But where on Earth could you find a watch?

Victoria: I didn’t find it. I made it!

David: [ stunned ] You made this watch?

Victoria: Yeah! I found some copper-bearing ore in the hills, andso I made a kiln and I kind of smelded some out..

David: [ amazed ] You smelded the copper?

Victoria: Yeah, just a little. And, then I hammered it out intoflat sheets, and I kind of cut the gears out of the sheet, then sort ofput it all together.. You like it?

David: Of course! I love it! [ puts watch on and winds it ]It works! [ still amazed ] You made this watch?

Victoria: Yeah! You know, that’s real gold on the outside. I pannedit out in the stream.

David: I don’t know what to say. I mean, it’s amazing. I’m amazed!

Victoria: I was just hoping you’d like it.

David: Like it? Ilove it! But.. where’d you get the strap?

Victoria: That’s pigskin. I stalked and killed a wild pig. It tookme three days.

David: So that’s where you were!

Victoria: Yeah. Then I tanned the hide, and I cut part of it outfor the strap.. do you like it?

David: It’s wonderful!

Victoria: See the hand?

David: Yeah.

Victoria: Um.. they’re whiskers from the pig, and I soaked them inpalm resin to harden them.

David: I don’t know what to say.. I don’t know what to say..

Victoria: Let me open one of yours!

David: Well.. I feel awkaward about..

Victoria: No, no, no.. [ opens a gift ] Oh.. it’s a shell..

David: Yeah.. I sort of found it on the beach.. and I thought itwas pretty, and.. a watch! I can’t get over that! I just can’t get overthat!

Victoria: [ hugging her shell ] Honey, I love this shell, it’sbeautiful!

David: I don’t know.. it’s not a watch, or anything..

Victoria: Well, I love it! And I’ll always cherish it. Okay, now open your next present!

David: Oh, yeah.. [ grabs present ] Where did you get the fancywrapping paper?

Victoria: I made it?

David: You made it?

Victoria: Well, it was really easy. I mean, I just pounded somereef into mulch, and that’s, you know, about it..

David: And the design?

Victoria: Uh.. squid’s ink, I painted on the brush I made..

David: I see. [ reveals telescope ] It’s a telescope..

Victoria: Yeah!

David: It’s wonderful.. I mean.. you made this, I suppose?

Victoria: Well.. sort of, a little.. I carved it..

David: No, you made it. It’s wonderful. Thank you.

Victoria: You really like it?

David: I said I did, I said I liked it..

Victoria: Okay, now let me open yours! [ David protests ] Oh, nowdon’t be that way.. [ she opens her next gift ] Ohhh.. it’s a.. it’s a..

David: It’s a potholder.

Victoria: Oh! Ineed a potholder! I really do!

David: I know you don’t! I know we don’t even have pots.. [ sarcastic ]Oh, maybe you could smeld some!

Victoria: Oh, come on.. [ opens another gift ] This is.. anothershell!

David: Another shell.

Victoria: It’s wonderful! Look, they’re even the same kind!

David: Well, I thought maybe you could use them together.. or something..

Victoria: Oh, I will! I will!

David: Do you really like them?

Victoria: Honey, I do. They’re from you, and that’s all that reallymatters.

David: Well, they are pretty nice..

Victoria: So are you. [ kisses him ]

David: Well, you know what I’m gonna do? I think I’m gonna go upon the big mountain, and I’m gonna check out my telescope. And I’ll beback.. oh! [ checks watch ] I’ll be back at 4 o’clock!

Victoria: Okay. Oh, David?

David: Yeah?

Victoria: Oh.. never mind..

[ David walks off to play with telescope. Victoria stays behind, pulls abush apart to reveal a motor scooter she made for him ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Corina Amato
Corina Amato
1 year ago

Trying to find this episode. Thanks for having the transcript. My friend is just like this and I mentioned this skit. I’ll show it to her. So funny.

Reply to  Corina Amato
1 year ago

I have a friend exactly like this too – also was trying to find the video. So happy this is here – – the humor still comes through!

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