SNL Transcripts: Paul Simon: 12/19/87: Paul Simon’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 8

87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

Paul Simon’s Monologue

…..Paul Simon
…..Sen. Paul Simon

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Paul Simon!

[ Paul Simon, the musician, and Paul Simon, the Senator, both walk ontoCenter Stage ]

Paul Simon: You know, this is very embarassing.. and I was surethat they meant me!

Sen. Paul Simon: I just assumed they wanted me – Paul Simon,the Senator!

Paul Simon: Well.. it’s a comedy show.. and it’s a music show.. so,it’s gotta be me, I mean who else?

Sen. Paul Simon: I guess. I just wish somebody had told me earlier.I’ve been rehearsing since Thursday here.

Paul Simon: It gets very hectic here, and you can get lost in theshuffle.

Sen. Paul Simon: I understand. Like New Hampshire.

Paul Simon: Well.. it’s just one of those things that can hpapen toanybody.. named Paul Simon.

Sen. Paul Simon: You wouldn’t believe how many times this has happenedto me!

Paul Simon: And to me. I remember one time I had shown up with myguitar at a Democratic Women’s Convention in Audobon, Iowa.

Sen. Paul Simon: And how about that benefit at Madison Square Garden?I’m up on the stage trying to debate with Bruce Springsteen!

Paul Simon: You know, actually, I thought that you were very clearlythe winner on that debate.

Sen. Paul Simon: Why, thank you, Paul. Thank you.

Paul Simon: Look, as long as you’re here, why don’t you, as they say, you know, kick back, relax, and just enjoy the show?

Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I’d love to.. I gotta get up early tomorrow,you know.. to run for President.

Paul Simon: I understand. I just feel so bad that you came allthis way..

Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I do, too, frankly. I was supposed to be inSioux Falls, South Dakota tonight, at a fundraising dinner.

Paul Simon: You know, this is a live show. And something couldhappen to me, and then you could be right there.. you could be like theother Paul Simon..

Sen. Paul Simon: Sort of “a heartbeat away”?

Paul Simon: We’ve got a great show tonight, with my good friendLinda Ronstadt, so stick around!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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