SNL Transcripts: Paul Simon: 12/19/87: Paul Simon’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 8

87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

Paul Simon’s Monologue

…..Paul Simon
…..Sen. Paul Simon

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Paul Simon!

[ Paul Simon, the musician, and Paul Simon, the Senator, both walk ontoCenter Stage ]

Paul Simon: You know, this is very embarassing.. and I was surethat they meant me!

Sen. Paul Simon: I just assumed they wanted me – Paul Simon,the Senator!

Paul Simon: Well.. it’s a comedy show.. and it’s a music show.. so,it’s gotta be me, I mean who else?

Sen. Paul Simon: I guess. I just wish somebody had told me earlier.I’ve been rehearsing since Thursday here.

Paul Simon: It gets very hectic here, and you can get lost in theshuffle.

Sen. Paul Simon: I understand. Like New Hampshire.

Paul Simon: Well.. it’s just one of those things that can hpapen toanybody.. named Paul Simon.

Sen. Paul Simon: You wouldn’t believe how many times this has happenedto me!

Paul Simon: And to me. I remember one time I had shown up with myguitar at a Democratic Women’s Convention in Audobon, Iowa.

Sen. Paul Simon: And how about that benefit at Madison Square Garden?I’m up on the stage trying to debate with Bruce Springsteen!

Paul Simon: You know, actually, I thought that you were very clearlythe winner on that debate.

Sen. Paul Simon: Why, thank you, Paul. Thank you.

Paul Simon: Look, as long as you’re here, why don’t you, as they say, you know, kick back, relax, and just enjoy the show?

Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I’d love to.. I gotta get up early tomorrow,you know.. to run for President.

Paul Simon: I understand. I just feel so bad that you came allthis way..

Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I do, too, frankly. I was supposed to be inSioux Falls, South Dakota tonight, at a fundraising dinner.

Paul Simon: You know, this is a live show. And something couldhappen to me, and then you could be right there.. you could be like theother Paul Simon..

Sen. Paul Simon: Sort of “a heartbeat away”?

Paul Simon: We’ve got a great show tonight, with my good friendLinda Ronstadt, so stick around!

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