SNL Transcripts: Paul Simon: 12/19/87: Succinctly Speaking


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 8

87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

Succinctly Speaking

Kathleen Fulmer…Nora Dunn
Tarzan…Kevin Nealon
Tonto…Jon Lovitz
Frankenstein…Phil Hartman

[Open on talk show set with title SUPER: “SUCCINCTLY SPEAKING.” Theme music plays. Seated from left to right are Frankenstein, host Kathleen Fulmer, Tarzan and Tonto]

Don Pardo V/O: “Succinctly Speaking” with Kathleen Fulmer.

[Applause as camera zooms in to Kathleen]

Kathleen Fulmer: Good evening and welcome to “Succinctly Speaking.” I’m Kathleen Fulmer. My guests today include Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein. All right, Tarzan, let’s start with you: Fire.

Tarzan: Fire good.

Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tonto?

Tonto: Fire good.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, we have a difference of opinion, and I think that’s what makes our forum work, the give and take. Don’t you think? [Tarzan and Tonto nod. Frankenstein scowls at Kathleen] Okay, let’s move on, shall we? Bread.

Frankenstein: [Growls] Bread good!

Kathleen Fulmer: Hold on. Hold on, Frankenstein, we’ll get to you. Tonto?

Tonto: Bread good, Kemo Sabe.

Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tarzan.

Tarzan: Bread good.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right.

Tarzan: I no.. I no eat bread.

Kathleen Fulmer: Good. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: Bread, gooood!

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Now before we move on, let’s talk about something that is in the news very much these days: the I.N.F. Treaty. Tarzan?

Tarzan: Tarzan like treaty. Make world safer for Tarzan and Boy.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. There’s a strong endorsement. Tonto?

Tonto: Hmm, me no trust treaty, Kemo Sabe.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, but what about the I.N.F. Treaty?

Frankenstein: [Growls]

Tonto: Excuse me, Miss Fulmer. Frankenstein not understand question.

Kathleen Fulmer: Oh, I’m sorry. The I.N.F. Treaty, it outlaws medium-range nuclear, excuse me, nuclear missiles, at least that in a European theater.

Frankenstein: [Growls, then breaks character and laughs] Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Thank you. Well, that’s all the time we have. Join us next week when we’ll be talking with the cavemen from Quest For Fire.

[Phil is trying hard to hold in his laughter. He stands up and tries to stay in character as he walks to the back of the set]

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire [laughs] bad! Fire bad! [He breaks through the back wall of the set. Tarzan jumps onto his chair, then climbs back down]

Tonto: Frankenstein fear fire, not understand booking. [Frankenstein growls off-camera]

Tarzan: Line between fantasy and reality blurry for Frankenstein.

[Frankenstein re-enters through the hole he made in the wall]

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad! [Growls and walks toward the camera, then exits]

Kathleen Fulmer: [Waves] Good night. Join us, uh, next week. It’s been a wonderful show. Drive safely.

[Applause. Dissolve to show title as theme plays. Fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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