SNL Transcripts: Paul Simon: 12/19/87: Succinctly Speaking

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 8

87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

Succinctly Speaking

Kathleen Fulmer…Nora Dunn
Tarzan…Kevin Nealon
Tonto…Jon Lovitz
Frankenstein…Phil Hartman

[Open on talk show set with title SUPER: “SUCCINCTLY SPEAKING.” Theme music plays. Seated from left to right are Frankenstein, host Kathleen Fulmer, Tarzan and Tonto]

Don Pardo V/O: “Succinctly Speaking” with Kathleen Fulmer.

[Applause as camera zooms in to Kathleen]

Kathleen Fulmer: Good evening and welcome to “Succinctly Speaking.” I’m Kathleen Fulmer. My guests today include Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein. All right, Tarzan, let’s start with you: Fire.

Tarzan: Fire good.

Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tonto?

Tonto: Fire good.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, we have a difference of opinion, and I think that’s what makes our forum work, the give and take. Don’t you think? [Tarzan and Tonto nod. Frankenstein scowls at Kathleen] Okay, let’s move on, shall we? Bread.

Frankenstein: [Growls] Bread good!

Kathleen Fulmer: Hold on. Hold on, Frankenstein, we’ll get to you. Tonto?

Tonto: Bread good, Kemo Sabe.

Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tarzan.

Tarzan: Bread good.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right.

Tarzan: I no.. I no eat bread.

Kathleen Fulmer: Good. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: Bread, gooood!

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Now before we move on, let’s talk about something that is in the news very much these days: the I.N.F. Treaty. Tarzan?

Tarzan: Tarzan like treaty. Make world safer for Tarzan and Boy.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. There’s a strong endorsement. Tonto?

Tonto: Hmm, me no trust treaty, Kemo Sabe.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, but what about the I.N.F. Treaty?

Frankenstein: [Growls]

Tonto: Excuse me, Miss Fulmer. Frankenstein not understand question.

Kathleen Fulmer: Oh, I’m sorry. The I.N.F. Treaty, it outlaws medium-range nuclear, excuse me, nuclear missiles, at least that in a European theater.

Frankenstein: [Growls, then breaks character and laughs] Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Thank you. Well, that’s all the time we have. Join us next week when we’ll be talking with the cavemen from Quest For Fire.

[Phil is trying hard to hold in his laughter. He stands up and tries to stay in character as he walks to the back of the set]

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire [laughs] bad! Fire bad! [He breaks through the back wall of the set. Tarzan jumps onto his chair, then climbs back down]

Tonto: Frankenstein fear fire, not understand booking. [Frankenstein growls off-camera]

Tarzan: Line between fantasy and reality blurry for Frankenstein.

[Frankenstein re-enters through the hole he made in the wall]

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad! [Growls and walks toward the camera, then exits]

Kathleen Fulmer: [Waves] Good night. Join us, uh, next week. It’s been a wonderful show. Drive safely.

[Applause. Dissolve to show title as theme plays. Fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

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