Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 9
Robin Williams’ Monologue
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, RobinWilliams!
Robin Williams: [cheers and applause as Robinruns in and dances energetically] Thank you! Thankyou! It’s a privilege to be here in New York Citywhere its mayor– Doesn’t Mayor Koch sound a lot likeElmer Fudd or am I crazy? … [Elmer Fudd voice] Uhhh,I’m tewwing you, hahahahahaha, there is no cowwuption!Hahahaha! … [normal voice] It’s amazing, it’s beenan amazing year. Gary Hart has thrown his hat backinto the political ring. Actually, more than that –he’s thrown everything into the ring. … People lookat Gary and say, “Gary, you’re a sinner!” No, hewasn’t a sinner. He was on a boat, the boat wasrockin’, [rocking his hips back and forth] he went,”Hey, what the hell?” … [applause] Yes!
And, for as much as Gary has sinned, people in Francelook at him and go, [French accent] “What? Did hesleep with a chicken? No! … What eez the beegproblem there, huh?” If he gets elected, then–They’ll say [deep voice] “Now rise for the Presidentand his First Whatever.” … He walks out, there’s theFirst Lady goin’, “All right!” [walks like a chicken]… Pecking Raisia Gorbachev. [pecking like achicken]
We also had an amazing fight last night — Mike Tyson!Yes, indeed! [cheers and applause] Michael! Mike Tysonis a combination of Arnold Schwarzeneggar and MichaelJackson. … Yes. [as Mike Tyson] “I’m just gonna hurthim. His face was in the way, I was able to hit him.”Yes, he was there. But the funny thing about the fightis, if you notice, in the corner, all the attendantsare wearing rubber gloves! Why is that? [hands onhips, as a boxer] “It’s for safe boxing!” … Peoplegoing, like, [as a boxer] “Wait a minute, I’m not hereto make love with the man, I’m just gonna fightwith him!” Scary thing — you think, “Wait a minute,what’s goin’ on?” Is something going on in the clinchthat I don’t know about? Are they gettin’ together inthe clinch goin’ [as a boxer in a clinch, to hisopponent] “Why haven’t you called me?” [as thereferee] “Break!” [breaks the imaginary clinch, backsaway] …
It’s the Eighties! People are a little afraid. That’sright. That’s why everyone’s wearing rubber gloves.You go to your dentist — he comes to the door dressedin a wet suit going, [as dentist, with hands over hisface like diver’s mask] “Welcome!” … That’s right.You meet someone special, you say, [as a cautiousboyfriend] “Gosh, Helen, I care about you but — can Ihave some blood and urine so I can run some tests?”… Right, you’re going, “What am I gonna do?”
[points to man in crowd] Sir? Sir, do you have aprophylactic on you right now? Do you? You have thatlook like, “No, but I’ll– No, I don’t, I had itScotchguarded.” That’s okay. … And the one Jewishguy is going, “No, I had it upholstered. I feel somuch safer! … That way I don’t get any stains.” Youknow what I’m talking about! … You know what I’mtalking about when I say “prophylactic”? Yes! From theLatin word “prophylactorum,” meaning “strange partyfavor” — you know what I mean? … Yes! Yes, it ISthe Bathing Cap of Love! … Mmmm, people now go,”Yes! Carry ’em around, friends!” Because, you know,it comes along that time when you say you want to meetMiss Right or, at least, Miss Right Now! …And there you are together and you say, “Yes! Yes!”And I know you’re going, “Mm, baby! Yes!” And you’remaking love! And you go, “Hey, yes! Yes!” And you go,”Wait a minute! Time out! Let’s put on a balloon!” …
No, no! You have to put it–! I know most men aregoing, “Robin! I’m not putting that on! No! It takesthe sensitivity out! It’s like tap dancing in divingboots!” Okay! … It can be done! And I know some mengo, [as a tough guy] “Listen to me, man! I’m notputtin’ somethin’ on my Amazing Wonder Weasel makes itlook like a Hare Krishna!” … [cheers and applause,even from the SNL band] Put it on, baby! Put it on!
[to the band members] You know what I’m talking about![points to band members] Look at this here! Look atthat there! Even he’s carrying a prophylacticin his “safe sax,” you know what I’m saying?! … Yes,indeed! ‘Member in high school when you had theprophylactic, you had ’em on– [as high school boytrying to get condom on before erection disappears]”Ah! Oh! Too late, it’s over. I’m sorry.” … You haveto have some sort of way of doing it, you know?Because sometimes you feel like you’ve only got sixtyseconds. It’s like, “Okay, here we go!” You feel likethe plate spinner on the Sullivan show. [mimes puttingon condom while fingering a woman] Like, “Okay, honey,stay with me! Okay, stay–! Oh! Oh! Oh ho! Oh! Toolate! He’s gooooone!” … [sinks to the floor, as theWicked Witch of the West] “I’M MELTING! AHHHH! … YOUWERE TOO LATE! AHHHHH!” … But you have choices. Youdo. [cheers and applause]
Put it on! You can put it on! They’re there for yoursafety! You’ve got choices! You’ve got your plain oryour clear — if you wanna have the glass bottom boattour, that’s okay! … And if you like barbecue, theygot prophylactic with ribs! You know what I’m saying!… And if you like– If you’re in a party mood, theyhave the prophylactic or the “fiesta” condom so youcan turn your penis into a piñata! … There you are– beating it! If you hit– She has a little stick!She’s beating you for prizes! You know what I’msaying! … Yes, indeed!
Because what it comes down to, friends, is: theprophylactic is the feminist revenge for thediaphragm! You know what I’m saying! … Women knowwhat I’m saying! [cheers and applause] Women do! Thereyou are, you’re going, [as a man] “Honey, I just can’tkeep it on! I can’t–!” They’re going, [as skepticalwoman] “Right, right.” And I know — I know,sometimes, a few men, some — maybe like myself, Ihave to admit it — you put it on — and it falls off.Okay! … Maybe you have to use that thing that theytie off garbage bags and [mimes tying his condom onwith a garbage bag tie] keep it on there. … It’sokay. That’s what we’re talking about.
Because WHY are you wearing this? Why are you wearingthis prophylactic? Is it eventually gonna be so scarythat it’s gonna be, [as a man] “Helen? I’m in the airlock now!” … [as a woman] “Harry, leave the sperm ina dish! I’ll get it tomorrow!” … It’s like that.There are things out there that are scary! You knowwhat I’m talking about! It used to be herpes. Peoplegoing, [frightened] “Herpes!” Now people are goin’,like, [casually] “I’ve got herpes simplex!” “I’ve gotherpes complex!” “I’ve got herpes duplex!” No! Thatdoesn’t scare you any more! …
No! These diseases have been out there for a longtime! If you look at the history of them, they’ve beenthere for four thousand years! If you realize thatsyphilis came from sheep four thousand years ago–!Which makes you think four thousand years ago, therewas some shepherd that went, [as ancient shepherd, todeparting friends] “No, no. The rest of you go totown, I’ll be okay!” … [applause] What? And all thehealthy sheep are goin’ [as fleeing sheep] “I’m out o’here, man!” You know? … And there’s one sheep going,[coughs, points to himself] “Me?” [as the crazedshepherd] “Yeah!” No! And some people think that AIDSmight have come from a monkey in central Africaseventy years ago. Which makes you think that therewas some explorer, seventy years ago, went, [Britishaccent] “No, no. The rest of you go to town, I’ll beokay!” … The scary thought is that, right now,somewhere in the Midwest, there’s some little farm boygoin’ [deranged Midwestern accent] “I’m just goin’ togo clean the chicken coop, Daddy!” …
You’ve gotta realize that– You’ve gotta realize thatit’s out there! It’s scary but, hey! What are ya leftwith? If you don’t go out there and do what you do,what’re ya gonna do? Gonna be at home alone? You’regonna be at home alone, just sittin’ there with yourX-rated movie. Yes, I know. People who do it, singlepeople are goin’ “Yeah, Robin, I’ve rented CycleSluts from Hell. Okay.” … But why – why do theyalways have to be so BADLY ACTED?! Why? It’s alwayssomebody going [unenthusiastic porn actor] “Oh, yes.You know I want it. I’ve got it for you, baby.” …And there’s always some woman going [unenthusiasticporn actress touching breasts] “Oh, these are for you.Do me. Here we go. Oh, yes.” … She’s bored! Shelooks like she’s just out of it! Why CAN’T THEY HAVE[British accent] a classically trained Shakespeareanporno actor?! … A combination of Sir Laurence andHarry Reems! … Then you’ll have a movie! …Then, they’ll come out and go, [enthusiasticShakespearean porn actor] “Elizabeth! I will part youlike the Red Sea! … [cheers and applause] There wego! For this, I do cry now: I shall make you moremoist than Manila in the monsoon season! … I willdrive you thus and say WE HAVE ARRIVED! AND NOW, FORENGLAND, CRY ANON!”
We have a great show! We got James Taylor! Stay rightaround! [cheers and applause]