Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 10
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
…..A. Whitney Brown
Music Intro: “Phantom of the Opera”
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, The Phantom of the Update.[ shows Dennis in darkness, wearing mask from “The Phantom of the Opera ]
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you? [ lights go on, Dennis takes off his mask, organ music stops ] Nah, come on, you didn’t think I’d do the whole news wearing this thing, did you, huh? [ Dennis turns his face, revealing a scar under where the mask was ]
Okay, I’m sure by now that you’re all familiar with the Broadway show about a tormented madman who lurks beneath a Paris operahouse. I myself am more interested in a news show about tormented talkshow viewers who are tortured by a large talkative black woman five times a week. It’s called “Phantom of the Oprah”, and it opens with a national tour this spring.
Dennis Miller: [ shows his scar ] Come on now, you didn’t think I’d do the whole news with this thing, did you now? It’s just a fake scar, the makeup guy told me I could pull it right off.. [ pulls it off, with much difficulty ] That hurt! [ surprised ] That really hurt! [ holds up his arm ] Acting! [ audience applauds ] Oh, thank you for kinda liking that.
You know, the Soviet Union has just introduced two new breakfast cereals honoring its leader and first lady. They’re called Raisa Bran and Gorba Chex, and They will be on the U. S. market late summer.
President Reagan will ask Congress to establish cash awards for inventions, and the first $10,000 award will go to Admiral John Poindexter for that Iran story he came up with.
The Israeli government, looking for a way to ease Palestinean unrest is hoping to open the Gaza Strip to casino gambling. Moe Green, head of the Israeli gaming comission says, “Licensed gambling will bring jobs, revenue, and big-name entertainment to the strip. Green went on to say “If you are going to the Gaza Strip, bring your riot shield and your Visa card because they don’t take prisoners, and they don’t take American Express.”
Two brothers from New Jersey were kept from reporting a 1982 UFO encounter until yesterday. For fear that no one would believe him, they told reporters that they were beamed from inside their car to a sphere-shaped spacecraft. Once inside, they were probed with space needles, and forced to have sex with a woman that they can now positively identify as Jessica Hahn.
Dennis Miller: And now with a sociological introspective, here is news correspondant Victoria Jackson.
Victoria Jackson: Thank you. [ stands up ] “The Life of a Table” by Victoria Jackson.[ forms a backbend on the Weekend Update desk, imitating a table ]
“The life of a table is not grand,
You place things on me when holding your hand.
Cold, hot, and wet things, smelly things and more.
I’m a useful convenience whose life is a bore.
I’ve got four legs.”
“There’s places that I want to go,
But I’m stiff as a board, so I travel too slow.”
“The life of a table is not so great, but I must say,
I’ve never known another life, so I guess mine is okay.”
Dennis Miller: Thanks, Victoria. Thank you. [ she exits ] You know, if we were married, I’d never leave the apartment.
Well, tomorrow is Super Bowl XXII, and if you’re asking me for a predicyion, I believe that Webster and Gary Coleman will marry the Landers sisters, and tour the country as a bizarre trapeze act.
Disaster struck a New York harbor this week when a disabled supertanker spilled 10,000,000 gallons of Yoo-Hoo chocolate drink into the Hudson River. Scientists are unable to predict what the effect the spill will have on the local ecology, since no one is really quite sure what Yoo-Hoo is made of.
Here’s an update on that Amtrak accident this week: Amtrak officials this time are blaming a disgruntled employee who evidently painted the opening of a tunnel on the side of a mountain. The accused switchman, one William M. Coyote, is still missing.
Dennis Miller: And now, here to set sail on the boundless ocean of ignorance and a lifeboat of oversimplification, is A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture.
A Whitney Brown: Thank you, Dennis. Well, this week the Big Picture is a bullet-popped fresco on a prison wall in Jerusalem. Arab against Jew is nothing new, I know, but this time at least, the Jews have the rules of the playground on their side. Scissors beat paper, rocks beat scissors, tanks beat rocks. And the Palestinians are as pissed off as pyromaniacs in a petrified forest. So, they’re throwing rocks. The Israelis can break hands all day long, but there’s always going to be more pitchers in the Palestinian Bullpen. I know, here in America we’re supposed to be on the side of the Israelis, because, you know, they owe us money. But, if they claim to be a free country, they oughtta act like one. You know, use firehoses and dogs like we did in Alambama. I understand Israel’s in a tough situation. They’re surrounded by sworn enemies, in fear of their lives, and as paranoid as pole-watchers in Haiti. Their country is smaller than Long Island and it has a lower percentage of Jews as well. But this racial hatred between Jews and Arabs seems a little confusing, because, they don’t seem all that different to the rest of the world. If it wasn’t for the Jews being right all the time, I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart. On the other hand, I can see why Palestinians would have a beef. A bad attitude comes easy to a man who lives in a refugee camp in his own country. You know, this whole racism thing is.. almost sad, in a way, sort of, when you think about it. But the Israelis say this breaking of bones is nothing personal against Palestinians in general, it’s just an example of what they could do if they didn’t like them. They also say if somebody has a better idea or a better solution, they shouldn’t judge, so let me just throw this out. Crucifixtion. If you really want to set an example, it’s something that people really remember. And that, my friends, is a helpful suggestion from the muddy montage in history that makes up the Big Picture. Goodnight.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney.
Columbia Records made marketing history this week, when it released George Michaels’ latest album “Faith” on digital I.U.D.
Amid reports that he wed debutante Cornelia Guest, Sylvester Stallone has announced that he has plans to begin a new film project in February, an autobiographical look at his first two marriages. The film, to be entitled “Rocky”, is set for release later this year.
Sarah Ferguson is pregnant and will give birth this August. London bookies say that the best bet is that the child will be named either George or Elizabeth, and give 3 to 1 odds on those two names. The longshots are Schlomo or Yetta.
And in Punxsutawnee, Pennsylvania this Tuesday, composer Andrew Lloyd Weber will come out of his hole, see his shadow, crawl back into his hole, and we won’t have to hear from him for another year.
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!
Submitted by: Tony DuMont