SNL Transcripts: Justine Bateman: 02/13/88: Derek Stevens in Love


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Derek Stevens in Love

Derek Stevens…..Dana Carvey
Girlfriend…..Justine Bateman

[FADE IN on a tastefully decorated living room. Derek enters from the left and talks into a red “trimline” telephone.]

Derek: [in a heavy British accent] Hello, Michael? Michael, it’s me, Derek! Yes, Derek Stevens! That’s right! Well, I know ya haven’t heard from me in five years, but I’ve called to tell you that I’ve gotten over th’ block! Yes, I’m writing again, in fact, I can’t stop at all! I’m turnin’ out tune after tune, it’s fabulous! Well, y’know, they’re pretty much ballads, but… [pauses] Y’know, what it is, is, I’ve met this girl, y’know, and I think I’m in love with her. Wait–Michael, can you hear this? Hold on a second.

[Derek quickly puts the phone and receiver on top of an upright piano. He sits down and starts playing power ballad chords.]

Derek: [ singing ]She stops me,
She moves me,
She scorns me and approves me,
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BABY,

[He jumps back up and picks up the phone again.]

Derek: I mean, what d’ya think, Michael, I mean, it’s fabulous, right? Right, it’s a bigger hit than “Choppin’ Broccoli” ever was! [pauses] Yes, and I’ve got lots more just like that! All right! We’ll talk! We’ll talk!

[He starts playing another chord.]

Derek: [singing] “We’re gonna talk! We’re goin’ to talk…”

[ENTER his girlfriend, looking frazzled and cradling a green mug in her hands.]

Derek: [into phone] Ciao, baby! [hangs up and turns to her] Good morning, love.

Girlfriend: Good morning–Derek, before we go any further, get away from the piano.

Derek: Right!

Girlfriend: Come, sit somewhere else–

[Derek rushes over and sits down right next to her, almost on her lap.]

Girlfriend: Don’t, no, no, NO! NOT on top of me–BACK, over there, somewhere, somewhere. Sit.

[She pushes him away, and he plops down in a canvas chair.]

Girlfriend: Derek? I want you to move out. It’s not working.

Derek: Oh, but it IS working. In two weeks I’ve known you, I’ve written over 139 songs.

[soft laughter]

Girlfriend: I know, I know, I know, I know. [stands up] Get out.

Derek: But I CAN’T get out, there’s a giant chemistry here. It’s like a humongous, monstrous, out-of-control vibe! Can’t you feel it? Remember last night when walked into the kitchen and threw that entire set of dishes at me? D’you remember that?

Girlfriend: I apologize.

Derek: No! DON’T apologize, just listen, listen!

[He turns back to the piano and starts playing again as she looks strung out.]

Derek: [ singing ]“She comes in unexpected,
And I stand unprotected,
And it comes flyin’ at me.
Her love comes FA-LY-IN’ at meeeee.
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BABY,
She my little baby, hey, heyyyyy!”

Derek: [turns back to her] Don’t you see? You are MAGIC! You’re magic–you’re my Muse! Don’t you understand? I mean, every millenium, the gods open a porthole in the heavens, and a Muse descends to help out a mortal. Did you ever see the movie “Xanadu”?

Girlfriend: [looks clueless] My cable must have been out.

Derek: Well, in this film, Olivia Newton-John is sent by the gods to earth to help Gene Kelly open a roller rink. Don’t ya see? You’re sent to help my career get back on track!

Girlfriend: No, no, look, I had no idea who you were–I’ve never heard your records! A FRIEND told me you used to be Derek Stevens.

Derek: [gravely] Because of you, I’m going to live to be thirty.

Girlfriend: [stands up] Oh, please, I can’t accept that responsibility. Listen–Derek, listen to me, there’s something I have to say. It–this isn’t love. This is over. Okay? And you’re going to have to go on your way.

Derek: “You’re going to have to go on your way.”

Girlfriend: Yes.

Derek: “You–you–you’re going to have to go on your way.”

Girlfriend: Yes!

Derek: [steps toward piano] “You’re going to have to go on your way.”

Girlfriend: NOOOO!

Derek: [ singing ]“I listened to my lover,
There was nothing more to say.
‘This is a love that’s over,
And you have to go away.'”

[She walks to the window, throws the shutters open, and grabs her hair in disgust. He watches her and keeps picking chords.]

“Then she ran her ivory fingers
Through her flowing sable hair.”

[She steps away from him and stands still.]

“And then she turned her back on me
As if I wasn’t there.
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BAAA-BY,
She’s my little BAAA-BY…”

[She drifts away and presses her hands to her face.]

Derek: [turns back to her] Look at you! Look–we–I mean, you don’t even know you’re doin’ it, do you? I mean, inspiration goes through you, goes into my head, and the music just bloody pours right out o’ me!

Girlfriend: I know. And you get it on EVERYTHING. Derek, hear this: I’m going for a walk, and when I come back, you won’t be here.

Derek: You’re going for a walk… “And when I come back, you won’t be here.” I’ll be gone.

Girlfriend: Yes.

Derek: Gone.

Girlfriend: Yes.

Derek: [turns back to piano] Gone.

Girlfriend: NOOOO!

Derek: Gone.

[He starts playing more chops.]

Girlfriend: [covering her ears] Ohhh!

Derek: “She’s picking up her coat and purse…”

[She slams the door behind her on the way out.]

Derek: “And now she’s in the hall…”

[sound of breaking glass]

“From the noise, she must have broken
Something on the wall.”

[He plays a few more chops before changing chords. Still playing, he stands up and cranes his neck to look out the window. CUT to Derek seen from outside as he nudges the piano closer to the windowsill.]

Derek: “She’s on the sidewalk now,
She crossed the street…”

Girlfriend: [screaming from below] SHUT UUUUUUUUP!!!!!

Derek: “She says, ‘Shut up.'”

[He plays a few more “chopsticks” chords and keeps peering out the window.]

“She’s movin’ through the street,
With her tiny feet,
She’s getting smaller now,
She’s getting really smalllllll…”

[He inches away from the piano, raises up his leg, and starts hitting random, unmelodious keys with his foot.]

“She’s getting very tiny,
She’s my tiny babyyy…
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little tiny babyyy.
She’s getting tiny,
She turned the corner!”

[Derek abruptly quits and turns around in consternation.]

Derek: Oh, my God. I’m blocked.

[PAN back slowly over applause, then FADE to the Saturday Night Live Band.]

Submitted by: Sean

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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