Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 11
87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby
Derek Stevens in Love
Derek Stevens…..Dana Carvey
Girlfriend…..Justine Bateman
Derek: [in a heavy British accent] Hello, Michael? Michael, it’s me, Derek! Yes, Derek Stevens! That’s right! Well, I know ya haven’t heard from me in five years, but I’ve called to tell you that I’ve gotten over th’ block! Yes, I’m writing again, in fact, I can’t stop at all! I’m turnin’ out tune after tune, it’s fabulous! Well, y’know, they’re pretty much ballads, but… [pauses] Y’know, what it is, is, I’ve met this girl, y’know, and I think I’m in love with her. Wait–Michael, can you hear this? Hold on a second.
[Derek quickly puts the phone and receiver on top of an upright piano. He sits down and starts playing power ballad chords.]Derek: [ singing ]She stops me,
She moves me,
She scorns me and approves me,
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BABY,
SHE’S MY LITTLE BABY… “
Derek: I mean, what d’ya think, Michael, I mean, it’s fabulous, right? Right, it’s a bigger hit than “Choppin’ Broccoli” ever was! [pauses] Yes, and I’ve got lots more just like that! All right! We’ll talk! We’ll talk!
[He starts playing another chord.]Derek: [singing] “We’re gonna talk! We’re goin’ to talk…”
[ENTER his girlfriend, looking frazzled and cradling a green mug in her hands.]Derek: [into phone] Ciao, baby! [hangs up and turns to her] Good morning, love.
Girlfriend: Good morning–Derek, before we go any further, get away from the piano.
Derek: Right!
Girlfriend: Come, sit somewhere else–
[Derek rushes over and sits down right next to her, almost on her lap.]Girlfriend: Don’t, no, no, NO! NOT on top of me–BACK, over there, somewhere, somewhere. Sit.
Girlfriend: Derek? I want you to move out. It’s not working.
Derek: Oh, but it IS working. In two weeks I’ve known you, I’ve written over 139 songs.
[soft laughter]Girlfriend: I know, I know, I know, I know. [stands up] Get out.
Derek: But I CAN’T get out, there’s a giant chemistry here. It’s like a humongous, monstrous, out-of-control vibe! Can’t you feel it? Remember last night when walked into the kitchen and threw that entire set of dishes at me? D’you remember that?
Girlfriend: I apologize.
Derek: No! DON’T apologize, just listen, listen!
[He turns back to the piano and starts playing again as she looks strung out.]Derek: [ singing ]“She comes in unexpected,
And I stand unprotected,
And it comes flyin’ at me.
Her love comes FA-LY-IN’ at meeeee.
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BABY,
She my little baby, hey, heyyyyy!”
Derek: [turns back to her] Don’t you see? You are MAGIC! You’re magic–you’re my Muse! Don’t you understand? I mean, every millenium, the gods open a porthole in the heavens, and a Muse descends to help out a mortal. Did you ever see the movie “Xanadu”?
Girlfriend: [looks clueless] My cable must have been out.
Derek: Well, in this film, Olivia Newton-John is sent by the gods to earth to help Gene Kelly open a roller rink. Don’t ya see? You’re sent to help my career get back on track!
Girlfriend: No, no, look, I had no idea who you were–I’ve never heard your records! A FRIEND told me you used to be Derek Stevens.
Derek: [gravely] Because of you, I’m going to live to be thirty.
Girlfriend: [stands up] Oh, please, I can’t accept that responsibility. Listen–Derek, listen to me, there’s something I have to say. It–this isn’t love. This is over. Okay? And you’re going to have to go on your way.
Derek: “You’re going to have to go on your way.”
Girlfriend: Yes.
Derek: “You–you–you’re going to have to go on your way.”
Girlfriend: Yes!
Derek: [steps toward piano] “You’re going to have to go on your way.”
Girlfriend: NOOOO!
Derek: [ singing ]“I listened to my lover,
There was nothing more to say.
‘This is a love that’s over,
And you have to go away.'”
Derek:
“Then she ran her ivory fingers
Through her flowing sable hair.”
Derek:
“And then she turned her back on me
As if I wasn’t there.
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BAAA-BY,
She’s my little BAAA-BY…”
Derek: [turns back to her] Look at you! Look–we–I mean, you don’t even know you’re doin’ it, do you? I mean, inspiration goes through you, goes into my head, and the music just bloody pours right out o’ me!
Girlfriend: I know. And you get it on EVERYTHING. Derek, hear this: I’m going for a walk, and when I come back, you won’t be here.
Derek: You’re going for a walk… “And when I come back, you won’t be here.” I’ll be gone.
Girlfriend: Yes.
Derek: Gone.
Girlfriend: Yes.
Derek: [turns back to piano] Gone.
Girlfriend: NOOOO!
Derek: Gone.
[He starts playing more chops.]Girlfriend: [covering her ears] Ohhh!
Derek: “She’s picking up her coat and purse…”
[She slams the door behind her on the way out.]Derek: “And now she’s in the hall…”
[sound of breaking glass]Derek:
“From the noise, she must have broken
Something on the wall.”
Derek: “She’s on the sidewalk now,
She crossed the street…”
Girlfriend: [screaming from below] SHUT UUUUUUUUP!!!!!
Derek: “She says, ‘Shut up.'”
[He plays a few more “chopsticks” chords and keeps peering out the window.]Derek:
“She’s movin’ through the street,
With her tiny feet,
She’s getting smaller now,
She’s getting really smalllllll…”
Derek:
“She’s getting very tiny,
She’s my tiny babyyy…
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little tiny babyyy.
She’s getting tiny,
She turned the corner!”
Derek: Oh, my God. I’m blocked.
[PAN back slowly over applause, then FADE to the Saturday Night Live Band.]Submitted by: Sean
