Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 11
Justine Bateman’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Justine Bateman!
Justine Bateman: Thanks! Thanks – you know, I’m really glad to be here – I’m really glad to be here on Valentine’s Day, because it’s my favorite holiday. And, uh, not that this day doesn’t have its problems. I mean ,what do you get a guy for Valentine’s Day? I mean, guys are lucky – they can give a girl flowers, or candy, or jewelry, or.. or a car. Or an.. incredibly expensive car. But, what do you give them? Because guys are so easily embarrassed, you know? I mean, I remember the very first valentine I gave to a very special boy. He, uh, looked at me, and, uh, he looked at the valetine; his friends laughed, and he ran away. And I felt very sad. But he came up to me after recess, and he, uh, he handed me a frog. And, I don’t know if he kept my valentine, but I-I-I still have that frog. It’s in my room, it’s hanging on my wall. Well, now it looks like, uh, one of those dried peppers that you see in the windows of Mexican restaurants. Yeah.
But, you know, have you ever heard the real story of Valentine’s Day? It’s wonderful. St. Valentine was a priest in ancient Rome. He was a simple man who believed in the power of love. And he went against the Roman law to perform secret marriages for the soldiers and their sweethearts. Now, when Emporer Claudius found out what the priest was doing, he became so angry that he imprisoned the man, tortured him, cut off his hands and hung them on the city gates, where they remained until they looked like.. well.. those little red peppers that you see in the windows of Mexican restaurants. He died on February 14th, and that’s why we call it St. Valentine’s Day. Isn’t that a beautiful story? I love it. [ audience applauds ] But.. it’s – except for that torture part. And that part about cutting off the hands. And the death part.
Anyway – I think, tonight, you should watch the show with somebody that you love. and if you don’t have anyone, I’ll be your Valentine. We’ve got a great show. We’ve got Terence Trent D’arby, so stick around, we’ll be right back. [ turns to face the band ] Guys, play me a love song!