SNL Transcripts: Justine Bateman: 02/13/88: Perfect People


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Perfect People

Linda…..Justine Bateman
Michael…..Jon Lovitz
Roger…..Phil Hartman
Cindy…..Nora Dunn
Henry…..Dana Carvey
Susan…..Jan Hooks
Kevin…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on a ritzy party, evening ] [ camera pans across the room of seemingly perfect people, until the focus falls upon a couple standing by the door ]

Linda: Promise we’ll just stay five minutes..

Michael: Okay. But, look, Linda, these are my friends, I want you to talk to them.

Linda: I’m sure they don’t want to talk to me.. come on, let’s go..

Michael: Wait, wait, wait a minute.. why do you think they don’t want to talk to you?

Linda: Because I’m just an art student, they’re all twenty years older than me, much more accomplished, and I can tell they think I’m really stupid.

Michael: That’s a ridiculous accusation!

Linda: I’m serious! I know they’re all thinking I’m just Michael’s silly little bimbo who thinks she’s an artist.. they laugh at me.

Michael: Linda, no one thinks you’re stupid, no one’s laughing at you.

[ they start to walk through the party ]

Linda: The other night, I told your friend Henry that I really liked his Time cover story..

Michael: Yes?

Linda: I remembered it as Newsweek.

Michael: Oh, Linda, look.. it seems like a huge mistake to you, other people don’t even notice!

Linda: You think so?

Michael: Yes. And, besides, it’s pretty egotistical of you to think that all these busy, successful people have the time to sit around discussing the shortcomings of a human being.

Linda: I guess.

Michael: Alright, come on.. look, look.. here’s Roger and Cindy. [ they walk over ] Hey, Roger! Cindy! You remember Linda? [ they acknowledge her ] How’s the research going?

Roger: Oh, I think we’re this close to a cure. Very encouraging!

Michael: That is great!

Roger: [ grabs his coat ] Well, I’m sorry to rush. I’m on my way to the lab – it’s a 20-hour day today, you understand..

Michael: Understood. Hey, good luck!

Roger: Thanks!

[ Michael and Linda walk off ]

Cindy: Roger, before you go.. can you believe how dumb she is?

Roger: [ laughs ] Whoo! Unbelievable! Just the ridiculous way she talks!

Cindy: Oh, I know.. and have you seen her paintings?

Roger: Nooo.. you have? Well, listen, I’ve got to hear about this! Come over here and tell me about it!

[ they move off to the side ] [ camera zooms in to a couple standing at the bar ]

Henry: So, then she says to me, “I really enjoyed your cover story in Time last week.” [ laughs ] Can you believe that?

Susan: I’m gonna tell you the truth – Ihave heard that story, it’s a classic! Listen, I just got back from Tokyo last night, and I’m off to Munich tomorrow.. but Ican tell you what Iheard about her today..

Henry: [ clears his throat, seeing Michael approach with Linda ] So, I’m, uh.. afraid my, uh.. Op-Ed piece caused quite a bit of a stir..

Michael: Henry! Susan! Hi! You remember Linda?

Henry: Oh, yes.. of course.

Linda: You know, Henry, I did read your Op-Ed piece in, uh.. in the New York Times.. and you made a great point!

Henry: Yeah. Uh.. I think you mean the Washington Post.

Linda: Oh.. right.

Michael: Hey, congratulations on that Pulitzer. I’ll see you next week?

Henry: Alright. [ Michael and Linda walk off ] You know, I’ve thought about it and thought about it.. and I’m still not sure I have her pegged yet. I mean, she’s definitelty stupid and untalented, but isn’t there also something.. sort of..

Kevin: [ pokes hid head in ] Are you talking about Michael’s little bimbo?

Susan: What else?

Kevin: I’ve been out of the country for a while, I’m not competely up on her, so fill me in.

Henry: Alright, alright.. get this: I had a cover story in Newsweek..

Kevin: [ laughing ] Oh, the Newsweek thing! Bob Fed-exed me about that! It’s hysterical, man!

Susan: Look, I’ve invited Michael and his silly little bimbo to dinner on Thursday night – I think it will be extremely entertaining!

Kevin: Oh, boy.. I’m under the gun this week, but, uh.. I’m not gonna miss this!

Susan: [ laughing ] Can you believe what she’s wearing?

Henry: Oh, please.. that’s a completely complete and separate topic. Listen, I’ve gotta get back to the office, I’ve got a big deadline to meet.. but I’m gonna think about Linda a little further, and I should have some thoughts on her a little later. Why don’t you call me?

Susan: Okay.

[ camera shifts to Michael and Linda at the door, as they preapre to leave the party ]

Michael: Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

Linda: I guess not, but I still don’t think your friends really like me..

Michael: Well, Miss Paranoid, for your information, Susan invited us to a dinner party. And don’t think she invited you as a joke!

[ they exit the party ]

Cindy: [ stands in the center of the room and taps a fork on the side of her wine glass ] Okay, everybody, Michael just left with her – who wants to go first?

[ everyone in the room quickly raise their hands, eager to tell their amusing anecdotes about Linda ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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