SNL Transcripts: Justine Bateman: 02/13/88: Perfect People

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Perfect People

Linda…..Justine Bateman
Michael…..Jon Lovitz
Roger…..Phil Hartman
Cindy…..Nora Dunn
Henry…..Dana Carvey
Susan…..Jan Hooks
Kevin…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on a ritzy party, evening ] [ camera pans across the room of seemingly perfect people, until the focus falls upon a couple standing by the door ]

Linda: Promise we’ll just stay five minutes..

Michael: Okay. But, look, Linda, these are my friends, I want you to talk to them.

Linda: I’m sure they don’t want to talk to me.. come on, let’s go..

Michael: Wait, wait, wait a minute.. why do you think they don’t want to talk to you?

Linda: Because I’m just an art student, they’re all twenty years older than me, much more accomplished, and I can tell they think I’m really stupid.

Michael: That’s a ridiculous accusation!

Linda: I’m serious! I know they’re all thinking I’m just Michael’s silly little bimbo who thinks she’s an artist.. they laugh at me.

Michael: Linda, no one thinks you’re stupid, no one’s laughing at you.

[ they start to walk through the party ]

Linda: The other night, I told your friend Henry that I really liked his Time cover story..

Michael: Yes?

Linda: I remembered it as Newsweek.

Michael: Oh, Linda, look.. it seems like a huge mistake to you, other people don’t even notice!

Linda: You think so?

Michael: Yes. And, besides, it’s pretty egotistical of you to think that all these busy, successful people have the time to sit around discussing the shortcomings of a human being.

Linda: I guess.

Michael: Alright, come on.. look, look.. here’s Roger and Cindy. [ they walk over ] Hey, Roger! Cindy! You remember Linda? [ they acknowledge her ] How’s the research going?

Roger: Oh, I think we’re this close to a cure. Very encouraging!

Michael: That is great!

Roger: [ grabs his coat ] Well, I’m sorry to rush. I’m on my way to the lab – it’s a 20-hour day today, you understand..

Michael: Understood. Hey, good luck!

Roger: Thanks!

[ Michael and Linda walk off ]

Cindy: Roger, before you go.. can you believe how dumb she is?

Roger: [ laughs ] Whoo! Unbelievable! Just the ridiculous way she talks!

Cindy: Oh, I know.. and have you seen her paintings?

Roger: Nooo.. you have? Well, listen, I’ve got to hear about this! Come over here and tell me about it!

[ they move off to the side ] [ camera zooms in to a couple standing at the bar ]

Henry: So, then she says to me, “I really enjoyed your cover story in Time last week.” [ laughs ] Can you believe that?

Susan: I’m gonna tell you the truth – Ihave heard that story, it’s a classic! Listen, I just got back from Tokyo last night, and I’m off to Munich tomorrow.. but Ican tell you what Iheard about her today..

Henry: [ clears his throat, seeing Michael approach with Linda ] So, I’m, uh.. afraid my, uh.. Op-Ed piece caused quite a bit of a stir..

Michael: Henry! Susan! Hi! You remember Linda?

Henry: Oh, yes.. of course.

Linda: You know, Henry, I did read your Op-Ed piece in, uh.. in the New York Times.. and you made a great point!

Henry: Yeah. Uh.. I think you mean the Washington Post.

Linda: Oh.. right.

Michael: Hey, congratulations on that Pulitzer. I’ll see you next week?

Henry: Alright. [ Michael and Linda walk off ] You know, I’ve thought about it and thought about it.. and I’m still not sure I have her pegged yet. I mean, she’s definitelty stupid and untalented, but isn’t there also something.. sort of..

Kevin: [ pokes hid head in ] Are you talking about Michael’s little bimbo?

Susan: What else?

Kevin: I’ve been out of the country for a while, I’m not competely up on her, so fill me in.

Henry: Alright, alright.. get this: I had a cover story in Newsweek..

Kevin: [ laughing ] Oh, the Newsweek thing! Bob Fed-exed me about that! It’s hysterical, man!

Susan: Look, I’ve invited Michael and his silly little bimbo to dinner on Thursday night – I think it will be extremely entertaining!

Kevin: Oh, boy.. I’m under the gun this week, but, uh.. I’m not gonna miss this!

Susan: [ laughing ] Can you believe what she’s wearing?

Henry: Oh, please.. that’s a completely complete and separate topic. Listen, I’ve gotta get back to the office, I’ve got a big deadline to meet.. but I’m gonna think about Linda a little further, and I should have some thoughts on her a little later. Why don’t you call me?

Susan: Okay.

[ camera shifts to Michael and Linda at the door, as they preapre to leave the party ]

Michael: Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

Linda: I guess not, but I still don’t think your friends really like me..

Michael: Well, Miss Paranoid, for your information, Susan invited us to a dinner party. And don’t think she invited you as a joke!

[ they exit the party ]

Cindy: [ stands in the center of the room and taps a fork on the side of her wine glass ] Okay, everybody, Michael just left with her – who wants to go first?

[ everyone in the room quickly raise their hands, eager to tell their amusing anecdotes about Linda ] [ fade to black ]

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