SNL Transcripts: Justine Bateman: 02/13/88: Family Ties


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Family Ties

…..Justine Bateman
Elyse Keaton…..Jan Hooks
Steven Keaton…..Kevin Nealon
Alex P. Keaton…..Dana Carvey
Mallory Keaton…..Justine Bateman
Jennifer Keaton…..Victoria Jackson
Nick…..Jon Lovitz

Justine Bateman: You know, when I started “Family Ties”, I was 15 years old, and, well, six years, 147 episodes later, the show is still going strong! But, you know, out of all the episodes we’ve fone, my favorite are what we call the “flashback” episodes. Now, those are the shows where our characters reminisce about some of our favorite momnets from the past episodes. It’s a great way to fill up a show with a lot of old clips, and the best part is that, well, everybody gets paid for a brand new show! Now, my favorite flashback show is the one that we just taped – it’s called “If These Old Walls Could Talk”, and, well, we shot it in five minutes..

[ dissolve to “Family Ties” montage and theme song ] [ dissolve to the Keaton family gathered around their kitchen ]

Elyse Keaton: I can’t believe we’re leaving this house and moving to Colorado.

Steven Keaton: Honey, I can alays turn down that job..

Alex P. Keaton: [ interceding ] Dad?! Turn down that job?! Dad! Don’t get sentimental at a crucial stage like this!

Steven Keaton: I guess Alex is right.

Mallory Keaton: For once.

Elyse Keaton: We sure have done a lot of living in this kitchen..

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Mallory Keaton: If these old walls could talk, the things they’d say!

Steven Keaton: [ as fake beard starts to droop off ] Remember that time you were going to elope with Nick, and I got really upset?

[ flashback to the same kitchen at an earlier time ]

Elyse Keaton: I just cannot believe you two are eloping!

Mallory Keaton: But I love Nick, Mom..

Steven Keaton: But, Mallory, Nick doesn’t even have a job!

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Nick: Hey-ee, Mr. Keaton, you forget – I’m an artist.

Alex P. Keaton: No, Nick, the problem is we remember you are an artist.

Mallory Keaton: Alex..

Alex P. Keaton: Mallory.. Mallory.. as the teen with the highest potential earning power, I feel it’s my duty to tell you that, you know, if you want to borrow money from in the future, don’t come to me for any loans!

Mallory Keaton: I wouldn’t do that, Alex!

Alex P. Keaton: Oh, yeah? What about the time I lent you money for your first date?!

Steven Keaton: [ chuckles ] Ah, it seems like it was only yesterday..

[ flashback to the same kitchen at another earlier time ]

Elyse Keaton: I can’t believe my little girl is going out on her first date!

Mallory Keaton: But it’s not a real date, Mom, it’s a group date.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Alex P. Keaton: Mom! mom! I can’t believe you’re letting her go!

Mallory Keaton: Alex..

Alex P. Keaton: Mom! Have youmet these guys? Mom, the average 15-year-old boy is a sex-starved animal! I mean, a group date is just a teen euphenism for an orgy!

Elyse Keaton: Alex, I trust your sister.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Steven Keaton: That’s our Jennifer, huh? And to think, not so long ago, we thought Jennifer was gonna die. Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday.

[ flashback to the same kitchen at another earlier time ]

Elyse Keaton: I can’t believe my little Jennifer is gonna die.. I just wish we could be at the hospital..

Mallory Keaton: Mom, you know the doctor said we could do far more good for Jennifer if we’d just stay here in the kitchen.

Elyse Keaton: I suppose so, but I’ll tell you, we’ve had some real memories with Jennifer.

Steven Keaton: Yeah, remember the time we went to Holland, and Jennifer and Mallory were mistaken for international art smugglers, and they chased them all threough the streets of Amsterdam.

Mallory Keaton: Yeah, that was really something!

Alex P. Keaton: Yeah, it sure was!

Steven Keaton: [ sighs ] Oh, boy.. and to think that Jennifer is dying.. Hey, but we’ve had some great times together! Remember the last time we all watched TV together?

Mallory Keaton: Yeah.. we all watched an episode of “The Jeffersons”!

[ flashback to that episode of “The Jeffersons” – George and Weezy are tied to chairs as a crook ransacks the apartment ]

George Jefferson: I wish I had a club right now to hit that crook with! What’s he doing out there, anyway, messing up the place?

Weezy Jefferson: Don’t worry about that, Florence will help me straighten it up. Hey.. remember when we first hired Florence?

[ flash forward to the Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Steven Keaton: Boy, that was some episode of “The Jeffersons”!

Mallory Keaton: It sure was. I can’t help thinking about Jennifer dying, though..

[ the phone rings ]

Elyse Keaton: I’ll get it! [ answers ] Hello? [ turns to family ] It’s the hospital – Jennifer’s not going to die!

[ the Keaton Family rejoice at the good news ] [ flash forward to previous scene of Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Steven Keaton: We almost lost you, honey. That was a close call.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Elyse Keaton: But I don’t know about this first date business..

Mallory Keaton: Mom..

[ phone rings ]

Alex P. Keaton: [ answers ] Hello? Yeah okay, thanks. Two of the boys have the flu, the first date’s bene cancelled.

Elyse Keaton: Oh, honey.. [ consoles Mallory ]

Mallory Keaton: Mom..

[ flash forward to next scene of Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Elyse Keaton: Boy, that sure was a close call with that first date.

Steven Keaton: Yeah. And now you’re eloping with Nick.

Nick: Hey, hold it, everybody. Hey-ee! While y’all were all reminiscing, I did some thinking. Sorry, Mallory, I just don’t think we’re ready.

Mallory Keaton: You know what, nick? You’re right. [ they hug ]

[ phone rings ]

Alex P. Keaton: [ answers ] Hello? Yeah, we know. He’s reconsidered. Thanks, anyway!

[ flash forward to the original scene of Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Elyse Keaton: Just think, you almost eloped with Nick..

Mallory Keaton: Yeah, it sure was a close call!

Steven Keaton: And now we have to move.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

[ phone rings; Keatons stare at it as the camera pans left ] [ Justine Bateman steps forward, as the lights are lowered behind her ]

Justine Bateman: I don’t want to give away the ending. This is gonna be on in April. But the phone call was from the company that offered my dad the job, and they.. well.. I don’t want to give it away. We’ll be right back!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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