Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 12
Apple Support Systems
Apple Operator…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on Randy sitting behind a computer, sweating as he calls Apple Support System ]
Randy: Oh, come on, man.. come on, please.. just pick it up.. please pick up..
Apple Opertor: Apple Support System, can I help you?
Randy: Yeah.. yeah.. Support System, listen. My name is Randy. I’m new here, and there’s no one else around. I told them I knew how to use computers, and that’s why they hired me. They’re gonna be in this morning, and I gotta have results, man! I don’t know what’s what here..!
Apple Opertor: Okay, alright, alright.. Randy, get a hold of yourself. Now, first of all, what kind of computer are you working with?
Randy: Uh.. uh.. I don’t know!
Apple Opertor: Okay. Alright, listen, take it easy. We’re gonna just walk you through this.
Randy: It’s just a computer, man!
Apple Opertor: Alright, alright. Randy, you there?
Randy: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I’m here!
Apple Opertor: Randy, look in the lower lefthand corner. What does it say?
Randy: Uh, okay.. there’s a little yellow thing.. it’s got a smile on it.. and it says “Have A Nice Day.”
Apple Opertor: Okay, Randy, that’s a sticker. You might want to peel that off.
Randy: Oh. Okay. [ peels sticker off ] I got it.
Apple Opertor: Okay, alright. Good, Randy. Now, what does it say underneath that?
Randy: Well, it doesn’t say anything underneath it, man! It was just a sticker on the box!
Apple Opertor: Relax now, relax!
Randy: Wait a minute, wait a minute..! There’s like a picture of a tangerine.. or a tangelo.. or..
Apple Opertor: Okay, that’s a big help, Randy. Uh.. it sounds like you’re operating a Macintosh.
Randy: Well, is it good or bad?!
Apple Opertor: It’s good, it’s good. It’s user-friendly. Uh.. there should be a mouse hooked up to it.
Randy: Wait, wait, wait! A mouse?! User-friendly?! What are you talking about?! You’re losing me, man! You’re losing me!
Apple Opertor: Never mind that! Never mind that! Randy, I want you to put me on your speaker box, on your phone.
Randy: What, the speakerbox?
Apple Opertor: Yeah. On your speakerbox. That way you can have both hands free to operate the machine.
Randy: Oh, alright.. speakerbox, alright.. they told me how to do that. [ pushes button, places receiver on handle ] Yeah. Okay. Are you there? Hey! Where’d you go, man?! Where’d you go?!
Apple Opertor: Right here, Randy. Right here. Sorry, I was taking a sip of coffee.
Randy: Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah. Is it.. is it good coffee?
Apple Opertor: Yes, it is, Randy. And maybe when all this is over, you and I can get together for a nice, hot cup.
Randy: Yeah.. that’ll be good, yeah.. that’d be good.
Apple Opertor: Okay, now, are you with me?
Randy: Yeah.. yeah.. I’m right here.
Apple Opertor: Now, listen very carefully. With your left hand, reach behind the machine and push down the rocker switch.
Randy: You mean, th-this light switch thing?
Apple Opertor: Yes. That’s it. Push it down.
Apple Opertor: Yes. Push it down, Randy.
Randy: Okay. [ pushes switch, computer turns on ] Oh, wait, hey man, it’s humming! Hey! It’s making noises! There’s a white light on this thing, man!
Apple Opertor: Randy, it’s okay! It’s supposed to do that. That’s good, that’s good. Alright, Randy, you okay?
Randy: Yeah. I’m fine. I’m okay.
Apple Opertor: Alright, the hardest part’s over. Now, go down to your keyboard, and find the small –
Randy: Wait a minute.. keyboard! What are you talking about?!
Apple Opertor: The panel, right below the big box with the letters on it.
Randy: What, you mean this typewriter deal?
Apple Opertor: Yeah. Now, take your finger and push down twice on the little white cube that says “Open”.
Randy: [ frantic ] Okay.. okay.. here it goes. [ pushes cube ] I did it! I did it! Hey, okay, it’s done! It’s making noises, lots of noises!
Apple Opertor: Okay, Randy, you’ve now reached the Desktop mode, you’re home-free.
Randy: Okay, okay.. Desktop.. alright!
Apple Opertor: You should see a bunch of funny-looking pictures. With your left hand, push down the Shift button and the Command button at the same time.
Randy: Okay.. [ pushes both buttons ] got it.
Apple Opertor: Got it?
Randy: Got.. yeah. Yeah! Hey, piece of cake!
Apple Opertor: Congratulations. You can now retrieve any file or document you want, just by typing it on the keyboard.
Randy: Oh.. that’s.. that’s great! Okay! Okay! I got it! Um.. I guess I’m gonna hang up now.. okay?
Apple Opertor: Okay. Okay, Randy. Good luck. Oh, and hey, Randy?
Apple Opertor: Have a nice day.
Randy: Thanks, man. [ returns to other line ] Hello? Hi, yeah, thank you for holding. [ camera zooms out to reveal that Randy is working for a travel agency ] Now, you wanted two round-trip tickets, right? What day did you want to fly? Okay. Are you gonna need a rental car for that?[ fade out ]