Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 12
The Bean Cafe
Cafe Owner…..Tom Hanks
Harry…..Jon Lovitz
Lonnie…..Phil Hartman
Bob’s Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Bob…..Kevin Nealon
Cindy…..Nora Dunn
Keith…..Dana Carvey
Cafe Owner: Bean Cafe. Yeah, that’s right. Just beans, that’s allwe serve here. Well, we’re open 24 hours. Okay, yeah, thanks for calling.[ hangs up phone and notices Harry at the table ] Hey, Harry, another bowlof beans?
Harry: Yeah. Hey, could you put cheese on it?
Cafe Owner: Sure. You want grated cheese, or do you want me tocut the cheese?
Harry: Yeah, go ahead, Ralph. Cut the cheese.
Cafe Owner: You got it. [ starts cutting a chunk of cheese for Harry ]
Lonnie: [ enters the cafe ] Hi, Ralph!
Cafe Owner: Hey, hey, Lonnie! Set you up with a bowl of beans?
Lonnie: Uh.. yeah, I think I’ll try the pintos today. [ sniffs theair ] Alright, who did it?
Cafe Owner: What?
Lonnie: Who went and made my favorite pie again?
Cafe Owner: There’s just no keeping a secret with you, is there,Lonnie Edwards? [ pulls out the freshly-baked pie ] Wendy made it upspecial for you. I’ll tell you what – I’ll warm it up.
Lonnie: Fantastic!
Cafe Owner: [ opens the oven ] Oh, damn..
Lonnie: What’s the matter?
Cafe Owner: Well, the pilot light keeps going out on this oven.
Lonnie: Probably from all the wind you get blowing aroundhere.. You really should get these windows caulked!
Cafe Owner: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to do that..
[ cut to a couple sitting at a table ]Bob’s Wife: Good beans, huh?
Bob: Yeah, the best!
Bob’s Wife: You know what they say – “Beans, beans, good for the heart..”
Both: “Beans, beans, great for the heart!”
Lonnie: Hey, Harry, did you see this? The Army’s thinking aboutdeveloping a new gas bomb.
Harry: Yeah? They should come here.
Lonnie: What do you mean?
Harry: We could use the jobs. Then, maybe some of the teenagerswouldn’t have to move away.
Lonnie: Yeah. Good point. [ walks back to the counter ]
Cindy: [ enters the cafe ] Hi, Ralph.
Cafe Owner: Oh, hey, Cindy! A bowl of beans?
Cindy: Oh, no, I’d better not. I’m going over to my in-laws later.
Cafe Owner: So?
Cindy: Well, you know what would happen if I had a big bowl of beansnow. I wouldn’t be hungry! We’re gonna have dinner. Just give me acup of coffee.
Cafe Owner: Coming up.
Cindy: Hi, Lonnie.
Lonnie: Hi. How are you, Cindy?
Cindy: Say, how come you guys aren’t watching the big swim meet?
Lonnie: Oh, yeah! That local boy made the finals. What’s his name?
Harry: Rip Loudon.
Lonnie: Yeah, that’s it.
Cafe Owner: [ watching the TV screen ] Oh, geez.. last place already..Lonnie: Well, you know what would have helped shott him through thewater? A big bowl of beans! I mean, you see, complex carbohydrates give youthat long-term energy that you need.
Cafe Owner: Absolutely. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell people.It’s much better for you than steak.
Harry: Ah, you know what they say – “Beans, beans, good for the heart..”
All: “Beans, beans, great for your heart!”
Cafe Owner: [ looking at the TV screen ] Well, this is boring. Let’ssee what else is on. [ flips channel to a spider documentary ]
TV Announcer: ..The Black Widow. Silent but deadly..
Cindy: You know what else is silent but deadly?
Lonnie: What?
Cindy: A scorpion.
Cafe Owner: [ looking at the couple’s table ] Oh, gee! Hey, Bob!That’s wet paint! [ runs over ]
Bob: [ jumping to his feet ] Oh, geez.. I didn’t even notice!
Cafe Owner: Didn’t you see the sign?!
Bob: Did I get any on my pants?
Cafe Owner: Oh, let me see. Bend over. [ Bob bends over as theCafe Owner peers in for a look ] I can’t really see.. the lighting’s notreally good here. Let me get my lighter.. [ takes out a lighter and holdsthe flame close to the back of Bob’s pants ] No.. I don’t see anything..That chair must have already been dry!
Bob: Boy, that was close, huh? [ sits back down ]
Keith: [ enters the cafe grimacing and sniffing ] Whoo-whee!Whoo-whee!
Cafe Owner: Hey, Keith. What’s the matter?
Keith: Oh, uh, it’s this hay fever acting up again. Whoo-whee!
Cafe Owner: A nice hot bowl of beans will fix you right up.
Keith: Whoo-whee!
[ fade out ]
