Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 12
Expectant Father…..Dana Carvey
Second Doctor…..Jon Lovitz
Expectant Mother…..Victoria Jackson
[ open on Expectant Father standing outside the delivery room ]
Doctor: [ from inside the delivery room ] Okay, now! Now! Push! Push! Come on, you can do it! Push! Push![ Expectant Father runs into the delivery room to find Expectant Mother pushing a hospital bed against the wall ]
Doctor: Harder now! Keep pushing! Good! Now, lay on the bed. Excuse me, sir, I thought we told you to wait outside.
Expectant Father: Alright, I’ll wait outside. Okay. [ is pushed outside ] I’ll wait here. [ paces floor ] [ the sound of crying can be heard ]
Second Doctor: You can do it, Doctor! You can deliver this baby![ Expectant Father rushes into the delivery room to find the Doctor crying and being consoled by a second doctor ]
Doctor: No! I can’t! I can’t do it!
Second Doctor: Hey! Sir! Would you please wait outside?
Expectant Father: Okay.. okay.. I’ll wait outside.. [ is pushed back outside ] I know.. I know.. [ paces the floor ]
Expectant Mother: Oh! Oh, Doctor, it’s beautiful, it’s so beautiful![ Expectant Father rushes back into the delivery room to find the Doctor showing off a painting of his to the Expectant Mother ]
Doctor: Thank you, you really think so? You see what I tried to do with the distance? I did some shading here, way off in the back.. Sir! Please!
Expectant Father: Okay, I’ll wait outside.. [ is pushed back outside ] Okay, I’ll wait out here.. [ paces ]
Doctor: [ exits from the delivery room ] I’m afraid we have some bad news.
Expectant Father: What?! What is it?!
Doctor: Well.. we just can’t come up with an ending for this sketch. We can’t keep going on and on with these lame jokes, and the whole premise was pretty flimsy to begin with.
Expectant Father: Well, yeah, but what about my wife?
Doctor: Oh, she’s fine. She had a baby boy.[ Expectant Mother is wheeled out with the baby in her arms ]
Expectant Father: Oh, honey!
Expectant Mother: Isn’t he wonderful?
Doctor: Now, if you’ll take my advice, you’ll both get in your car and drive away from this sketch just as fast as possible.
Expectant Father: But, what about, uh.. you?
Doctor: Oh, I’ll be fine. I’m in another sketch over there, it’s much, much better than this one.
Expectant Father: We won’t forget this Doctor.
Doctor: Oh, I think you will. So long. Goodbye, you poorly developed characters, you!