SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 02/20/88: Observational Stand-ups



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12


87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Observational Stand-ups

Bob…..Jon Lovitz
Comedian #2…..Tom Hanks
Steve…..Dennis Miller
Jeff…..Dana Carvey

Comedian #2: So, Bob, how’s he doing?

Bob: Hey, he’s up for the portable condom bed.

Comedian #2: So, anyway, I’m flying back from the Coast after my “Hesson Brothers” gig.

Bob: Hey, how did it go?

Comedian #2: Oh, great, great. Anyway I’m sitting in coach and I’m thinking, “hey, whay do they call it coach?”

Bob: Hey, they don’t have any coaches there.

Comedian #2: No way.

Bob: Hey, it’s false advertising.

Comedian #2: Business class has business men. If I’m in coach I wanna meet Don Shula!

Bob: Hey, what happens if a coach sits in business class? Does he become a General Manager? I wanna know!

Comedian #2: Hey, it’s Steve.

Bob: Hey, Steve!

Steve: How’s everybody doin’?

Bob: Hey, great!

Steve: Hey, it’s great to be here.

Comedian #2: So, Steve, babe, what’s goin’ on?

Steve: Well I just got back from eatin’ Mexican and I’m thinking, hey, what’s the deal with these refried beans? I mean, hey, why do they have to fry them twice?

Bob: Hey, you don’t eat them twice.

Steve: Does that mean you get two checks? I mean my compliments to the chef, again.

Comedian #2: Excuse me, but with all this banter, I’m in a java state of mind. Anybody?

Bob: Hey, no thanks.

Steve: So, Bob, this refried beans thing…

Bob: Hey, you got more.

Steve: Yeah. Is the chef wearing bifocals, I wanna know.

Bob: And, hey, why are blind people always wearing sunglasses? I mean, hey, do deaf people wear ear muffs? I don’t know about you but I gotta wonder.

Comedian #2: Hey, guys, what do you say to God when he sneezes? Just a side thought.

Bob: Hey.

Steve: Hey, and twice baked potatoes. Same deal!

Bob: Hey, Steve, let it go.

Comedian #2: So, Bob, I hear your girlfriend moved out.

Bob: Oh, yeah. Hey, couldn’t make a commitment.

Comedian #2: Hey, that’s too bad.

Steve: Sorry to hear it.

Bob: Yeah, well I’ll never forget when she was moving out. I remember thinking, “hey, why do they call it moving out?”

Comedian #2: She’s not gonna live outdoors.

Bob: No way. She’s gonna go right into another building. And, hey, why do they call it a building?

Comedian #2: You never se anyone building it!

Steve: Hey, they should call it a built.

Comedian #2: Hey, why do they call it half-and-half? I mean, hey, what if it’s only half full? Does that make it quarter-quarter?

Steve: And hey, the top half is cream and the bottom half milk, they should call it crilk.

Bob: No, they shouldn’t.

Steve: Yes, they should.

Bob: No, they shouldn’t. They should call it meam.

Steve: Crilk!

Bob: Meam!

Steve: Crilk!

Bob: Meam!

Comedian #2: Hey, hey. Guys, guys! I mean, hey! Hey, guys, No man is an island! And what about that Gilligan’s island?

Bob: Hey, what do you mean?

Comedian #2: Where did the Howells get all these baskets of clothes? It was a 3-hour tour. A 3-hour tour! What are they gonna do change their outfits every 10 minutes? I have got to know!

Steve: Hey, Jeff, how did it go?

Jeff: Hey, hot crowd, I’m saying I really scored with my Gilligan’s Island bit, yes.

Steve: Gilligan’s Island bit?

Jeff: Oh, yeah, the whole 3 hour tour thing, yes indeed.

Bob: Hey, that’s Bill’s bit.

Jeff: Bill’s bit?

Bob: Excuse me, I got a set to do. Hey, great minds think alike!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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