Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 13
Wilson Trap Doors
Mr. Carruthers…..Jon Lovitz
Salesman…..A. Whitney Brown
[ open on Mr. Carruthers’ office, as his Accountant paces in front of the desk across a very obvious trap door ]
Announcer: Not all trap doors are created equally.
Accountant: Jerry, I was just looking over your financial report. And there are some very strange entries. I thought they might —[ Mr. Carruthers hand reaches for a button below his desk that activates his trap door ]
Announcer: Some trap doors don’t respond fast enough.
Accountant: For instance – what is this Bahamas thing?[ Mr. Carruthers repeatedly presses the button. As the accountant steps away from the trap door, it finally swings open. The accountant gives Mr. Carruthers a dirty look, as he smiles back meekly. ] [ dissolve to second scenario – Mr. Carruthers standing behind his desk as he speaks on the phone ]
Mr. Carruthers: Yes. How about this weekend?
Announcer: Others don’t spring open cleanly.[ an angry employee rushes through the door, clearly the husband of the woman Mr. Carruthers was speaking to on the phone ]
Employee #1: Jerry! I know about you and my wife![ Mr. Carruthers slams down the receiver and presses the trap door button. The trap door opens slowly under the employee’s feet. ]
Employee #1: Hey! Hey, what the heck’s going on?! What are you — ? Hey! Hey![ Mr. Carruthers kicks the employee down the rest of the way ] [ dissolve to third scenario – Mr. Carruthers sitting at his desk as another employee enters ]
Announcer: Some aren’t even structurally sound to begin with.
Employee #2: Mr. Carruthers, I have this — [ he steps over trap door, which collapses from his weight ] [ Mr. Carruthers pounds on his desk in frustration ] [ dissolve to fourth scenario – a salesman showing a series of faucets to Mr. Carruthers ]
Announcer: And some are totally unpredictable.
Salesman: — I can give you an excellent price on —[ Mr. Carruthers presses the trap door button, which opening trap door backwards, sending the salesman flying across the room. Mr. Carruthers again pounds his desk in the frustration, as the trap doors rock back and forth. ] [ dissolve to Wilson Trap Door technicians installing one of their trap doors in Mr. Carruther’s office, as they explain the mechanisms to him ]
Announcer: But with Wilson Trap Doors, you get perfect droppage time after time, thanks to a patented dual-firing mechanism.
Mr. Carruthers: Fantastic. And it’s guaranteed?
Technician: Absolutely guaranteed.[ dissolve to later, as a detective standing in front of Mr. Carruthers’ desk ]
Detective: Mr. Carruthers, I’d like to ask you to come downtown and answer a few questions. [ holds up his badge ] [ Mr. Carruthers presses the trap door button, and the Detective drops down cleanly. Mr. Carruthers smiles. ] [ dissolve to Wilson logo ]
Announcer: Wilson Trap Doors. Because with Wilson, it’s outta sight.