Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 12
Sentimental Pawn Shop
Pawn Shop Owner…..Phil Hartman
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Man…..Kevin Nealon
Second Woman…..Nora Dunn
Third Woman…..Victoria Jackson
Woman: Hello.
Pawn Shop Owner: Hi, can I help you.
Woman: Hi! Yes. I’ve never pawned anything before, but I have this item, and it’s.. well, it’s sentimental value..
Pawn Shop Owner: We pay full sentimental value.
Woman: Oh.. gosh, that’s great! Okay. Well.. here it is. It’s a moon, see?
Pawn Shop Owner: [ looking ] Hmm..
Woman: And those, they’re not real diamonds, of course, but.. my boyfriend gave me that..
Pawn Shop Owner: I know – he said he’d give you the moon and the stars if he could, right?
Woman: Yes, he did!
Pawn Shop Owner: Did he give you the star earrings that go with this?
Woman: No.. no..
Pawn Shop Owner: Too bad. It’s worth more as a set. [ thinking ] Are you still with him?
Woman: No. No, it didn’t work out.
Pawn Shop Owner: Hmm.. that reduces the value, of course. Let me ask you this: do you think he really meant what he said at the time?
Woman: Oh.. yes. Absolutely. Without a doubt.
Pawn Shop Owner: Okay. $65.
Woman: What?! Oh, that’s great! I didn’t think I would get that much!
Pawn Shop Owner: Hey, if he wrote you any good letters, I’ll be happy to take a look at them.
Woman: Well, thank you!
Pawn Shop Owner: Okay! [ she exits; Man enters ] Hi, what can I do for you?
Man: I’d like to pawn this item, it’s a plastic piano.
Pawn Shop Owner: Who gave it to you?
Man: My parents. You see, when I was a boy, I loved the piano.. and I always wanted to be a concert pianist, and this was just a symbol of, you know, how much they believed in me.
Pawn Shop Owner: Ohh.. so this is just a sad reminder of an unfulfilled dream, huh?
Man: Oh, no. I made it. I am a concert pianist. I play with the city symphony.
Pawn Shop Owner: Ohhh.. oh! So, this would be nice for you to keep forever?
Man: Oh, yeah!
Pawn Shop Owner: Your parents alive or dead?
Man: [ solemn ] My father passed away last summer.
Pawn Shop Owner: Mother?
Man: She’s still alive. [ a beat ] She’s not well.
Pawn Shop Owner: Look, I’ll be honest with you. This’ll be worth a lot more when she goes, believe me.
Man: [ silent ] Gee.. I really needed the money now, but, uh.. I guess you’ve got a point.
Pawn Shop Owner: Well, see, you would have to take less now, is the only thing.
Man: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, well thanks, I’ll come back.
Pawn Shop Owner: Okay, I’ll be here!
Man: Thank you. [ exits ] [ two ladies enter ]
Pawn Shop Owner: Hi, can I help you, ladies?
Second Woman: Oh, my friend here wants to pawn something, but I’d like to buy a bronze baby shoe.
Pawn Shop Owner: Oh.. okay, sure. [ pulls out a basketful from underneath the counter ] Take a look through these, and see what you like. [ to Second Woman ] What can I do for you?
Third Woman: [ holds up toy plush dog ] Is this worth anything?
Pawn Shop Owner: Ohh.. let me see.. I’d say.. early marriage.. peace token bought at an all-night drugstore after he stormed out of the house after a quarrel?
Third Woman: You’re so smart!
Pawn Shop Owner: No, just a properly trained connesuer. Was he your first fight? [ she nods her head ] Ah. Was it about something that seems incredibly silly and trivial to you now?
Third Woman: Mmm, no. It was another woman. But he gave me a Woofie, and he promised he’d never do it again.
Pawn Shop Owner: He didn’t mend his ways, did he?
Third Woman: No. We basically have a marriage of convenience.
Pawn Shop Owner: I thought so. I can usually spot a fraudelent sentiment. I’m sorry, this little doggie isn’t worth the fuzz that it’s made out of..
Third Woman: But he was crying when he gave it to me.
Pawn Shop Owner: Cheap sentimentality. He might have been drunk, I don’t know.
Second Woman: [ finished looking at the bronze baby shoes ] Oh.. I’ll take this one.
Pawn Shop Owner: Oh.. oh, I can give you a deal on that, this kid was adopted.
Second Woman: Oh, super! Do you have any old yearbooks?
Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, you lose yours?
Second Woman: Yeah. I was ’69. Any Catholic high school yearbook will do.
Pawn Shop Owner: Sure. In the back.
Second Woman: Oh, okay. And, uh.. what about those fraternity pins? I need one that’s engraved “Judy”.
Pawn Shop Owner: Uh.. in the back. Yeah, they’re alphabetized back there.
Thank you. [ goes to the back room ]
Third Woman: Um.. just out of curiosity, what kind of items are worth the most?
Pawn Shop Owner: Well, the high end of this market is pretty stable. Anything from a child, a handmade items that took a lot of time and thought. Oh! The other day I had a lady come in, and she dropped off all her kids’ drawings! They’re selling like hotcakes!
Third Woman: Wow. Um.. thanks for the appraisal.
Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, sure thing. Listen, come back sometime with an item that means something to you, and we’ll do business.
Third Woman: Okay!
Pawn Shop Owner: Okay. [ Second Woman returns ] Find anything you need?
Second Woman: Yeah. You want to ring things up for me?
Pawn Shop Owner: [ notices her finger ] Oh, whoa! Whoa! What is that on your finger, next to the diamond?
Second Woman: Oh, that’s just a plastic gumball machine ring. Yeah, when Paul and I got married, we were so poor he gave this to me as a wedding ring.. of course, later he gave me the two-karat diamond, but..
Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, this one’s exquisite!
Second Woman: Yeah.. I like to wear it, you know? We were.. so young then.
Pawn Shop Owner: Boy.. the piece is absolutely first-rate. Absolutely first-rate! I mean, we’re talking.. over a thou! Yeah! Listen, promise if you ever want to pawn it, you’ll come back here!
Second Woman: Alright, I will!
Pawn Shop Owner: Okay, I’d love to get my hands on that! [ phone rings ] Excuse me. Hello, Downtown Pawn! Pardon? Oh, your parents wedding album? And your grandmother’s diary? Sure, I’ll take them! Your father’s ashes? Yeah, yeah! I can keep the store open another hour!
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