Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 1
88a: Tom Hanks / Keith Richards
Girl-Watchers A Go-Go II
Girl Watcher #1…..Tom Hanks
Girl Watcher #2…..Jon Lovitz
Andy…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on the Girl Watchers standing in the hall during their 10th YearClass Reunion – a woman walks past ]
Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yeah!
Girl Watcher #2: Yes, indeed!
Girl Watcher #1: 10th Year Reunion, a babe opportunity I’ve long awaited!
Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes.. 106 ladies in their prime, and we’ve got a ringside seat!
Girl Watcher #1: You know it, my friend! The entrance to the ladies room is a perfect base of op-er-ation!
Girl Watcher #2: Well, well! [ points at woman approaching ]
Girl Watcher #1: Need I say more? Hel-lo! [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] ..and goodbye.
Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes.
Girl Watcher #1: She saw nothingof value in me!
Girl Watcher #2: Just like old times!
[ they high-five ]
Girl Watcher #1: Yes, we were almost as unpopular then as we are now!
Girl Watcher #2: I hear you. Only now, we’re older and uglier.
Girl Watcher #1: Yes, I seem to remember I was quite thenon-entity!
Girl Watcher #2: And I was a pretty fair social leper myself!
Girl Watcher #1: [ spots woman walking out of the ladies room ] Your attention, please!
Girl Watcher #2: Bonjour!
[ she keeps walking ]
Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yeah!
Girl Watcher #2: Didn’t even break stride!
Girl Watcher #1: Her standards are not low enough.
Girl Watcher #2: No way. [ they high-five ] She caught the shine on my forehead, and just kept on truckin’.
Girl Watcher #1: I was there all along, backing you up with mybig ol’ head!
Girl Watcher #2: Mmm-hmm.
Together: [ spotting another woman ] Whoa!
Girl Watcher #1: It’s Tracy Moore, the first girl ever to turn me down.
Girl Watcher #2: You never forget your first.
Girl Watcher #1: Yeah! I’ll bet my life she doesn’t remember us.
Girl Watcher #2: I’ll see your life, and raise you my eternal soul!
Girl Watcher #1: O-kay! [ woman approaches them ] Howdy-do! [ she keeps walking ] ..and Howdy-don’t!
Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yeah
Girl Watcher #1: I still haven’t got it!
Girl Watcher #2: Me, neither. Mmm-mmm.. [ spots anotherwoman ] Yow! Jessica Chase!
Girl Watcher #1: A girl I’ve never even spoken to.
Girl Watcher #2: She’s a practicing lawyer, and we’re still living at home.
Girl Watcher #1: I don’t like our chances.
Girl Watcher #2: [ as she walks past ] It’s been a while.. [ she keeps walking ] ..and it’ll be a while.
Girl Watcher #1: Our bodies are starting to deteriorate, and it’s only going to get worse.
Girl Watcher #2: Down we go!
[ they low-five ]
Andy: [ walking up, with a woman by his side ] Hey, fellas.
Girl Watcher #2: Hey, Andy!
Girl Watcher #1: Andy!
Girl Watcher #2: Where’d you get the girl?
Andy: Whoa, down, gentlemen! No cause for celebration. In addition to her bad looks, she’s hard of hearing, emotionally unstable, and not the clean one.
Girl Watcher #1: Does she have a sister?
Andy: Trust me, fellas, there’s no reason for envy.
Girl Watcher #2: No matter. You’re still the luckiest guy we know, who’ll talk to us.
[ Andy walks off ]
Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yes. We’ve sunk pretty far. And our descent continues. How I dread our future.
Girl Watcher #2: Mmm-hmm.
[ a woman walks up ]
Girl Watcher #1: Buenos dias!
[ she keeps walking ]
Together: ..and Buenos noches!
[ they high-five once more ]
[ fade out ]
