Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 1
Mr. Short-Term Memory
Written by: Conan O’Brien
Mr. Short-Term Memory…..Tom Hanks
“Mr. Short-Term Memory.
He shouldn’t have stood under that pear tree.
Now there’s just no remedy.
He’ll frustrate you so
But he’ll never know.
Because he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”
Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Blind Date”.[ segue into Mr. Short-Term Memory in a fancy restaurant sitting at atable with his blind date ]
Mr. Short-Term Memory: So, the boss walks into the office, and Bill’s got his sweater on over his head, and.. [ laughs ]
Date: [ laughing ] Bill sounds like a pretty funny guy!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Bill who?
Date: The guy you work with.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, Bill? How do you know Bill?
Date: I don’t know Bill.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, it’s too bad, he’s a pretty funny guy! So, you want to guy out to dinner?
Date: What do you mean? We’re at dinner.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, great, I’m hungry![ Waiter walks up with a bottle of wine ]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Hey, what’s with the wine?
Waiter: It’s the Bordeaux you just ordered.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: I didn’t order any wine! If this is one of those kind of places where they bring you wine that you didn’t order, and then put it on your bill, I’m not biting!
Date: Jeff, you ordered the wine.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh! [ takes the wine and pours it ]
Date: You know, it’s kind of funny that you’re in advertising..because my dad used to be in advertising. When I was little, he’d try his ideas on me, and..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Excuse me.. Miss? You’re welcome to sit here and everything.. but I think introductions are in order.
Date: Jeff. It’s me. Caroline. Your date.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ checks her out ] Ohhh, hey, alright! So, what’s your name?
Waiter: [ returns with menus ] Here are your menus. Our Special this evening is Medallions of Veal smothered in a wine and mushroom sauce.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ examines menu ] Is there a Special tonight?
Waiter: I just told you the Special: Medallions of Veal..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Look, just tell me about the Special, please? I don’t want to hear all this babbling about Medallions of Veal – I don’t even see it on the menu!
Waiter: I’m.. sorry, Sir.. there are no Specials.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Well.. okay. I’ll have the Poached Salmon.
Date: I’ll have the same.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Hey! Poached Salmon! I’ll have that! [ Waiter tries to take the menu ] Excuse me, but I think we’re going to need these menus to order the food!
Waiter: [ takes menu ] Uh.. I’ll get you a fresh one.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh. Wow. Classy place. I hope they havePoached Salmon!
Date: Yeah. Well, anyway.. you know, I used to think of going into advertising myself.. but.. once I got into publishing, well..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Excuse me. This is very interesting, but I don’t know who you are, and frankly, it’s making me just a little..
Date: Caroline! Caroline! I’m your date! Caroline!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh. [ checks her out ] Hey, alright, we’re doing okay! Now, if we could just get a waiter.. [ grabs a busboy ] Excuse me, Busboy? Could you introduce us to a waiter, please? I’m sure he must be a delightful individual, we’d love to meet him! Thank you!
Date: Jeff, please don’t make a scene..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Well, I’m just trying to get food before.. [ looks at his watch ] Hey! Look at this watch!
Date: Jeff.. it’s yours.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ smiles ] Thank you!
Waiter: [ re-enters, and places the food on the table ] And here you are..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, boy.. listen, you’re obviously new. I don’t know if you realize it or not, but you’ve just served food to people who have barely sat down! A menu would be nice for a start!
Waiter: [ disgusted ] I’m sorry, Sir, there’s no need to see a menu. We only serve one dish at this restaurant – Poached Salmon.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Hey, Poached Salmon! I love it! [ startseating ]
Date: Jeff, have you ever seen anybody about your.. condition?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ grows uncomfortable as he chews ] There’s something in my mouth! There’s something in my mouth! [ spits out his Poached Salmon onto his napkin ] There was food in my mouth!
Date: It’s just your Poached Salmon!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh. I love Poached Salmon! [ pierces the chewed food with his fork ]
Date: Don’t eat it!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ notices the chewed food in his napkin ] Wait a minute, I’m not going to eat this! This has already been in somebody’s mouth! Oh, this is a great restaurant! Serves already-been-chewed food!
Date: Just eat it, Jeff!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: No way!
Waiter: [ reappears ] Is there a problem?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Yeah! Everything’s fine, except that youserved us two plates of half-eaten food!
Waiter: Really, Sir, I think that..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Look, there’s no excuses! Just bring this back to whoever started it, and bring us some full portions! And where is our wine!
Date: Actually.. could you just bring us a bill, please? [ thewaiter exits ] I want you to take me home!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Whoa, wait.. slow down, Blondie! I don’teven know your name!
Waiter: [ throws bill on the table ] Your bill, Sir!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Bill?! For what?!
Date: Jeff, let’s just leave!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ pulls his wallet out of his jacket ] Hey! Somebody lost a wallet! And it’s loaded with cash! Somebody named.. Jeffrey Morrow.
Date: Jeff, that’s you!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: It is now![ his Date pulls him out of the restaurant, as the scene fades out ]
“He’ll win you yet
And then he’ll forget
That he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”