Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 2
The Five Beatles
Albert Goldman…..Phil Hartman
John Lennon…..Matthew Broderick
Paul McCartney…..Dana Carvey
George Harrison…..Dennis Miller
Ringo Starr…..Jon Lovitz
[ open on a series of press publications regarding Albert Goldman’s biography of John Lennon – cut to Goldman speaking to the press ]
Albert Goldman: And I’m telling you, it’s all true.
Reporters: Mr. Goldman! Mr. Goldman!
First Reporter: What about the allegations that you lied?
Second Reporter: Many sources say you misquoted them.
Third Reporter: It almost seems like you had a personal grudge against John Lennon.
Albert Goldman: [ sarcastically ] Oh, alright.. I lied, print it. Albert Goldman is a liar! [ seriously ] I had to do it! Don’t you understand! After what they did to me?
Reporters: What? Did what to you?
Albert Goldman: [ reminiscing ] It all started 25 years ago, back in Liverpool. [ screen ripples, prompting a flashback, but returns to normal ] It was a long time ago.. [ screen ripples again, but still goes nowhere ] Oh, concentrate harder, for goodness sake!
[ screen finally goes into a flashback, fading to black-and-white, outside a nightclub, with superimposed title: “The Cavern, Liverpool, 1963.” Cut to inside the Cavern, where a young audience waits for the Beatles to arrive on stage. ]
Announcer: And now, ladies and gentleman, it’s time for our next act. Please give them a big Cavern welcome: John, Paul, George, Albert Goldman and Ringo, the five Beatles!
[ The Beatles enter onto the stage amidst enthusiastic screams from onlookers ]
Paul McCartney: [ giving the cue ] One two three four! [ band breaks into a rendition of “I Saw Her Standing There,” and the crowd goes wild ]
[ singing ]
“She was just seventeen, and you know what I mean,
And the way she looked was way beyond compare,
I’d never danced with another, ooh!
When I saw her standing there.”
[ after the verse, Goldman breaks into a trombone solo, which brings a silence to the room. The music dallies off and Goldman is left hanging on an out-of-tune note. Screams suddenly return with the next verse ]
Paul McCartney: “Well we danced through the night,
and we held each other tight,
And before too long, I fell in love with her,
I’ll never dance with another, ooh!
When I saw her standing there,
When I saw her standing there.”
[ band ends on another note by Goldman, and again the audience turns silent, after which the Beatles leave the stage unenthusiastically ]
Announcer: The five Beatles! John, Paul, George, Albert Goldman and Ringo!
[ cut to backstage – Albert Goldman still looks the same as in the present, and speaks in a distinct American accent ]
Albert Goldman: [ irritated ] Where were you guys on that cue? I mean, come on, please, meet me halfway!
John Lennon: Sorry, Albert.
Albert Goldman: Actions, not words, fellas, comprende? Eh, Ringo? Alright, I gotta go grab some stuff. Nobody touch my horn! [ puts the horn aside and exits ]
Paul McCartney: I think we’ve got to talk about Albert.
George Harrison: Yeah, he’s a real problem.
Paul McCartney: Yeah, John.
John Lennon: Now fellas, fellas.. come on, fellas, he’s a nice guy.
Paul McCartney: Come on, John, don’t be daft. He’s a real drag!
George Harrison: Yeah, he just doesn’t fit in somehow.
John Lennon: Look fellas, we’re the only friends he’s got; we should show him some compassion. Besides his parents were nice enough to buy these amplifiers for us. Least we could do is be supportive.
Paul McCartney: Ringo, what’s your opinion?
Ringo Starr: [ uptight ] Oh listen, I don’t know.. whatever you fellas think. I mean, I’m just happy to be here.
John Lennon: No really, Ringo, tell us what you think.
Ringo Starr: [ hesitating ] Well.. alright then. Well, I think there are several points to consider. For one thing, we must remember this is a business first, and two, if people in the band are unhappy, it will affect the performance, and three, this is a crucial stage in our development, and I think..
Paul McCartney: Alright, alright, Ringo! I think that’s enough!
Ringo Starr: Well, whatever you guys think. I’m just happy to be here.
John Lennon: I just don’t see why you fellas don’t like him. I mean, he’s never had a nasty word for anyone.
[ a Roadie appears at the doorway ]
Roadie: Hello lads, you’ve got a visitor!
[ Elvis enters ]
Elvis: Hello everybody!
Paul McCartney: Elvis, we’re your biggest fans!
John Lennon: What are you doing here, Elvis?
Elvis: I was doin’ two movies across the street and I heard your music, and it set my feet a-tappin’! Thought I’d come over to do some investigatin’!
Ringo Starr: Well, did you like it?
Elvis: You bet! Except for one thing – you gotta lose that fat, bald, unattractive guy who plays the horn.
John Lennon: But he’s a good friend!
Elvis: Listen, Lennon, you gotta remember – it’s a business first.
Ringo Starr: That’s what I said.
Paul McCartney: Quiet, Ringo! Elvis is talking!
Elvis: You gotta lose him. So now which one of yous here’s the leader?
Paul McCartney: I’m the leader.
Elvis: Well then, you’re gonna have to tell him.
Paul McCartney: [ retracting ] Oh, the “leeeeader“! Oh, well.. John’s the “leeeeader“!
George Harrison: It has to be done, John. It’s up to you.
John Lennon: [ pauses, then sighs ] Alright, I’ll do it. [ other Beatles get up to leave ]
Paul McCartney: Good for you, John!
George Harrison: Good luck, John!
Paul McCartney: Good luck, John.
Ringo Starr: [ presents a drum to John ] Here, John, take this. It’s me lucky drum. [ John accepts and puts it aside ]
Elvis: Here he comes. I’ll be right back here in case you need me. [ he goes into a hidden corner, off-camera, as Goldman returns ]
Albert Goldman: [ impatiently ] Well, now.. where is everybody? We have another set in five minutes! I told everyone to be here to rehearse “She Loves You, Wah Wah Wah.”
John Lennon: Actually, Albert, there’s no reason to rehearse.
Albert Goldman: [ surprised ] Oh really, Mr. Layabout? Did you hear the same set that I heard? Audience not liking, Beatles dying!
John Lennon: I hate to say this, Albert, but.. you’re out of the group.
Albert Goldman: [ crestfallen ] What?
John Lennon: Please don’t be upset, it’s hard enough as it is.
Albert Goldman: I just don’t get it. Is it because I’m bald and fat?
John Lennon: No.
Albert Goldman: Then why? Whose idea was this?
John Lennon: Everybody’s. Paul, George, Ringo, me..
Elvis: [ coming out of hiding ] And me.
Albert Goldman: [ does a double take in disbelief ] Elvis?!
Elvis: That’s right, son. You got no talent, you look bad. Get out of the business.
Albert Goldman: Well, you’ve got some nerve!
Elvis: And another thing – you oughtta watch your weight. Clean up your act, stay away from that junk food. Remembe – you are what you eat.
John Lennon: Sorry, Albert.
Albert Goldman: [ angry ] You think it’s so easy, don’t you? “Sorry, Albert, no hard feelings!” Well, I’ve got news for you, Mr. Presley, and you, too, Mr. Lennon! I’ll get my revenge! Maybe not soon.. maybe not for some time, because I’m a little scared of you. But some day, I’ll be back! [ shouts hysterically ] I’ll be back! [ storms out of the room ] I’ll be back! [ an echoing, sinister laugh is heard after he leaves. Elvis and John look on ]
Elvis: There goes the grace of God.
John Lennon: It’s a real shame.
Elvis: Come on, let’s go get some health food. [ he and John exit out the doorway ]
[ screen fades out of the flashback, back to Goldman and the press ]
Albert Goldman: Well, that’s my story.
Reporter: So what ever happened to Elvis?
Albert Goldman: Oh, well, he became a big.. [a sullen look suddenly appears on his face as he realizes the reporter’s intention ] Who asked that question?! [ Reporters laugh hysterically ] I’ll get you!!!
[ fade to black ]
Submitted by: Rob Holtman