Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 2
Andrea Shell…..Jan Hooks
Jackie Jarvis…..Jon Lovitz
General Custer…..Phil Hartman
Little Hawk…..Matthew Broderick
[ Opening: the title logo appears over some 1940s “behind the scenes” footage ]
Andrea Shell: Hello, I’m Andrea Shell. Welcome to “Hollywood Salute”. In the early 1950s, enormous power was shifted from the studio moguls, to the movie stars who had acquired a solid public following. One of them was Jackie Jarvis, the unequivocal master of the gangster film.
[ A slideshow is shown of posters of his films ]
Andrea Shell V/O: “Public Menace” “The Face in the Post Office” “Ask My Machine Gun” and “Bullets Be Not Few”.
[ Back to the main set ]
Andrea Shell: The success of these films, and others, allowed Jackie Jarvis to break away from this gangster image, and explore new film genres. He did his first in a box office hit in 1952, “Crazy Horse: Tough Guy of the Plains”. Enjoy.
[ The clip is shown. Although this is the Civil War, the whole thing plays out like a 30s/40s gangster movie, with suspenseful music and everything. ]
[ General Custer’s headquarters, day. A knock at the door. ]
General Custer: Come in!
[ Sergeant enters ]
Sergeant: General Custer?
General Custer: Yeah, what’s cookin’?
Sergeant: Guess who just breezed into the fort?
General Custer: Can’t imagine!
Sergeant: Crazy Horse.
General Custer: You’re kidding.
Sergeant: He’s right outside.
General Custer: Well well well. All right, Sergeant, send him in and uh, stick around.
Sergeant: Check. [ opens the door ] Come in!
[ Crazy Horse enters, over a dramatic sting ]
General Custer: Hello, Chief!
Crazy Horse: Hello, General!
General Custer: Call me George.
Crazy Horse: Call me Crazy.
General Custer: Have a seat.
Crazy Horse: Don’t mind if I do.
[ they both sit down ]
General Custer: To what do I owe the honor?
Crazy Horse: No point beatin’ around the bush! You got my kid locked up!
General Custer: Ah yes, Little Hawk. We picked him up on a drunk and disorderly outside of Jim Bridge’s Trading Post! Seems he can’t hold his firewater, Crazy!
Crazy Horse: Standard rap for a D&D is three days! [ they both stand up ] You’ve had him in this joint for a WEEK! AND I WANT HIM BACK!!
General Custer: EASY, CRAZY, EASY! You’ll get your boy back, but first I want you to answer a few questions! Capisce?
Crazy Horse: Capisce! [ sits down ] What kinda questions?
General Custer: [ walks over to a map, points to a spot ] My scouts tell me that several tribes of hostiles have congregated on the lower east side of the Little Bighorn!
Crazy Horse: Yeah, so? Some of the fellas got together for a little huntin’ and fishin’! So what?
General Custer: That don’t add up, Crazy! Since when are the Oglala pals-y with the Cheyenne and the Arapaho?
Crazy Horse: Just a little huntin’ and fishin’! That’s all!
General Custer: I ain’t buyin’ it.
Crazy Horse: [ stands up ] YOU CALLIN’ ME A LIAR??
General Custer: JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION!!
Crazy Horse: YOU’LL GET YOUR ANSWERS, YELLOW HAIR, WHEN YOU GIVE ME MY KID!
General Custer: [ to Sergeant ] All right, go get him.
[ Sergeant exits, Crazy Horse sits down laughing ]
Crazy Horse: [ rests his feet up on the table ] You know, George, you wide-eyes really slay me. You call me a liar yet your tongue’s so forked, I could tie it in a bow behind your back! [ guffaws ]
General Custer: [ sits down ] Spare me the wisecracks, Crazy [ Crazy continues laughing ] HEY! What’s shapin’ up on the lower east side? Crazy Horse: All right, I’ll level with ya. Some of the boys are pretty bent out of shape about that Fort Laramie treaty. One minute you promise sovereignty over the promise — the sacred lands. And the next minute we got A THOUSAND MINERS BREATHIN’ DOWN OUR NECKS! General Custer: Nobody knew gold would be discovered in the Black Hills.
Crazy Horse: WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? [ hits the desk ] A TREATY’S A TREATY!
[ Harmonica music swells up ]
General Custer: [ stands up ] I’m sorry. I guess that makes us pretty much look like a bunch of hypocrites, doesn’t it?
Crazy Horse: [ stands up, walks over to him ] You know, I, I can’t figure you white devils. These plains used to be a nice place to live. And you clowns come along and it’s all massacres, railroads and subdivisions! Georgie! What gives?
[ Dramatic sting. Sergeant enters with Little Hawk ]
Crazy Horse: You all right??
Little Hawk: Sure, Pop. Ain’t built a stockade that can hold me, or a white woman who can resist me!
[ Crazy Horse laughs, pats him on the shoulder ]
General Custer: YOU ARROGANT, HEATHEN PUNK! WHY I OUGHTA
Little Hawk: You oughta, but you won’t.
General Custer: Won’t I?
Little Hawk: Not if you’re smart, you won’t.
General Custer: Just watch me!
Little Hawk: Try it, blue coat! [ whips out a pocket knife ] I’ll have your wig on a lodge pole before you can say ouch.
General Custer: [ aims a pistol at Little Hawk ] You better call him off, Crazy ..
Crazy Horse: Oh, now look!
General Custer: YOU LOOK! I’ll put a new pair of nostrils on his forehead, I swear it!
Crazy Horse: OH YEAH? THEN YOU’LL HAVE TO TAKE A PIECE OF ME, BLONDIE!
General Custer: HAVE IT YOUR WAY!
Little Hawk: Let me at him, Pop!
General Custer: Why, for two cents I’d —
Crazy Horse: Yeah? What would you do for a nickel?
General Custer: [ marks a line on the ground with his foot ] Just cross that line!
Crazy Horse: It don’t look like one of yours! It don’t got a FENCE on it! Ha!
Little Hawk: Good one!
Crazy Horse: Thanks!
General Custer: All right, you two, get outta here while the gettin’s good! [ two sergeants enter ] Escort these two gentlemen to the gate!
Little Hawk: Take it easy, boys we was just leavin’.
Crazy Horse: Yeah. Come on. [ leaves, then turns around ] Oh, Georgie? Feel free to drop by the Little Bighorn any time for some huntin’ and fishin’!
Little Hawk: Yeah! Just a little huntin’ and fishin’! [ he and Crazy Horse laugh ]
Crazy Horse: Come on. [ they exit with the sergeants ] HI-ya-ya-ya, HI-ya-ya-ya
[ Back to Andrea on the main set ]
Andrea Shell: Crazy Horse was followed by even greater Jackie Jarvis successes: “Mugs from Mars”, “Samson vs. the Feds”, and “Bombo Behind Bars”. This is Andrea Shell from “Hollywood Salute”, wishing you good night.
[ Applause, fade out ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez