SNL Transcripts: Matthew Broderick: 10/15/88: Hollywood Salute




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2














88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Hollywood Salute

Andrea Shell…..Jan Hooks
Jackie Jarvis…..Jon Lovitz
General Custer…..Phil Hartman
Little Hawk…..Matthew Broderick
Sergeant…..Dennis Miller

[ Opening: the title logo appears over some 1940s “behind the scenes” footage ]

Andrea Shell: Hello, I’m Andrea Shell. Welcome to “Hollywood Salute”. In the early 1950s, enormous power was shifted from the studio moguls, to the movie stars who had acquired a solid public following. One of them was Jackie Jarvis, the unequivocal master of the gangster film.

[ A slideshow is shown of posters of his films ]

Andrea Shell V/O: “Public Menace” … “The Face in the Post Office” … “Ask My Machine Gun” … and “Bullets Be Not Few”.

[ Back to the main set ]

Andrea Shell: The success of these films, and others, allowed Jackie Jarvis to break away from this gangster image, and explore new film genres. He did his first in a box office hit in 1952, “Crazy Horse: Tough Guy of the Plains”. Enjoy.

[ The clip is shown. Although this is the Civil War, the whole thing plays out like a 30s/40s gangster movie, with suspenseful music and everything. ]

[ General Custer’s headquarters, day. A knock at the door. ]

General Custer: Come in!

[ Sergeant enters ]

Sergeant: General Custer?

General Custer: Yeah, what’s cookin’?

Sergeant: Guess who just breezed into the fort?

General Custer: Can’t imagine!

Sergeant: Crazy Horse.

General Custer: You’re kidding.

Sergeant: He’s right outside.

General Custer: Well well well. All right, Sergeant, send him in and uh, stick around.

Sergeant: Check. [ opens the door ] Come in!

[ Crazy Horse enters, over a dramatic sting ]

General Custer: Hello, Chief!

Crazy Horse: Hello, General!

General Custer: Call me George.

Crazy Horse: Call me Crazy.

General Custer: Have a seat.

Crazy Horse: Don’t mind if I do.

[ they both sit down ]

General Custer: To what do I owe the honor?

Crazy Horse: No point beatin’ around the bush! You got my kid locked up!

General Custer: Ah yes, Little Hawk. We picked him up on a drunk and disorderly outside of Jim Bridge’s Trading Post! Seems he can’t hold his firewater, Crazy!

Crazy Horse: Standard rap for a D&D is three days! [ they both stand up ] You’ve had him in this joint for a WEEK! AND I WANT HIM BACK!!

General Custer: EASY, CRAZY, EASY! You’ll get your boy back, but first I want you to answer a few questions! Capisce?

Crazy Horse: Capisce! [ sits down ] What kinda questions?

General Custer: [ walks over to a map, points to a spot ] My scouts tell me that several tribes of hostiles have congregated on the lower east side of the Little Bighorn!

Crazy Horse: Yeah, so? Some of the fellas got together for a little huntin’ and fishin’! So what?

General Custer: That don’t add up, Crazy! Since when are the Oglala pals-y with the Cheyenne and the Arapaho?

Crazy Horse: Just a little huntin’ and fishin’! That’s all!

General Custer: I ain’t buyin’ it.

Crazy Horse: [ stands up ] YOU CALLIN’ ME A LIAR??

General Custer: JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION!!

Crazy Horse: YOU’LL GET YOUR ANSWERS, YELLOW HAIR, WHEN YOU GIVE ME MY KID!

General Custer: [ to Sergeant ] All right, go get him.

[ Sergeant exits, Crazy Horse sits down laughing ]

Crazy Horse: [ rests his feet up on the table ] You know, George, you wide-eyes really slay me. You call me a liar … yet your tongue’s so forked, I could tie it in a bow behind your back! [ guffaws ]

General Custer: [ sits down ] Spare me the wisecracks, Crazy … [ Crazy continues laughing ] … HEY! What’s shapin’ up on the lower east side? Crazy Horse: All right, I’ll level with ya. Some of the boys are pretty bent out of shape about that Fort Laramie treaty. One minute you promise sovereignty over the promise — the sacred lands. And the next minute we got A THOUSAND MINERS BREATHIN’ DOWN OUR NECKS! General Custer: Nobody knew gold would be discovered in the Black Hills.

Crazy Horse: WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? [ hits the desk ] A TREATY’S A TREATY!

[ Harmonica music swells up ]

General Custer: [ stands up ] … I’m sorry. I guess that makes us pretty much look like a bunch of hypocrites, doesn’t it?

Crazy Horse: [ stands up, walks over to him ] You know, I, I can’t figure you white devils. These plains used to be a nice place to live. And you clowns come along and it’s all massacres, railroads and subdivisions! Georgie! What gives?

[ Dramatic sting. Sergeant enters with Little Hawk ]

Crazy Horse: You all right??

Little Hawk: Sure, Pop. Ain’t built a stockade that can hold me, or a white woman who can resist me!

[ Crazy Horse laughs, pats him on the shoulder ]

General Custer: YOU ARROGANT, HEATHEN PUNK! WHY I OUGHTA …

Little Hawk: You oughta, but you won’t.

General Custer: Won’t I?

Little Hawk: Not if you’re smart, you won’t.

General Custer: Just watch me!

Little Hawk: Try it, blue coat! [ whips out a pocket knife ] I’ll have your wig on a lodge pole before you can say ouch.

General Custer: [ aims a pistol at Little Hawk ] You better call him off, Crazy ..

Crazy Horse: Oh, now look!

General Custer: YOU LOOK! I’ll put a new pair of nostrils on his forehead, I swear it!

Crazy Horse: OH YEAH? THEN YOU’LL HAVE TO TAKE A PIECE OF ME, BLONDIE!

General Custer: HAVE IT YOUR WAY!

Little Hawk: Let me at him, Pop!

General Custer: Why, for two cents I’d —

Crazy Horse: Yeah? What would you do for a nickel?

General Custer: [ marks a line on the ground with his foot ] Just cross that line!

Crazy Horse: It don’t look like one of yours! It don’t got a FENCE on it! Ha!

Little Hawk: Good one!

Crazy Horse: Thanks!

General Custer: All right, you two, get outta here while the gettin’s good! [ two sergeants enter ] Escort these two gentlemen to the gate!

Little Hawk: Take it easy, boys … we was just leavin’.

Crazy Horse: Yeah. Come on. [ leaves, then turns around ] Oh, Georgie? Feel free to drop by the Little Bighorn any time for some … huntin’ and fishin’!

Little Hawk: Yeah! Just a little huntin’ and fishin’! [ he and Crazy Horse laugh ]

Crazy Horse: Come on. [ they exit with the sergeants ] HI-ya-ya-ya, HI-ya-ya-ya …

[ Back to Andrea on the main set ]

Andrea Shell: Crazy Horse was followed by even greater Jackie Jarvis successes: “Mugs from Mars”, “Samson vs. the Feds”, and “Bombo Behind Bars”. This is Andrea Shell from “Hollywood Salute”, wishing you good night.

[ Applause, fade out ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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