Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 2
The Thumper Family
Dwayne Thumper…..Matthew Broderick
Mrs. Thumper…..Jan Hooks
Carla Thumper…..Victoria Jackson
Mr. Thumper….. Phil Hartman
[ Photograph of a white house with title card: “The Thumper Family” ]
Don Pardo V/O: Well, it’s time to look in on the Thumpers, that Bible-beating family down the street dedicated to spreading the good word of eternal hellfire and damnation. Let’s look in and see what they’re up to today.
[ The principal and a policeman escort Dwayne Thumper through the doorway ]
Dwayne Thumper: [ holding up the Bible ] YOU WHORE MONGERING SERVANT OF SATAN! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR OPPOSING THE WILL OF GOD!
Mrs. Thumper: [ enters, holding a Bible of her own ] What’s all the ruckus?
Principal: Mrs. Thumper, you’re going to have to do something about your son Dwayne! He was on the campus preaching again today! Now as principal of the school, I will not put up —
Mrs. Thumper: [ takes Dwayne by her side and raises her voice ] OH, YOU EVIL SATANIC PRINCIPAL LEADER OF THE WICKED EVIL SCHOOL! YOUR EVIL PRESENCE DESECRATES OUR HOME! LEAVE THIS PLACE AS GOD HAS COMMANDED YOU, OR ROT IN HELL FOREVER MORE!
Principal: [ to cop ] We’re gonna have to get an injunction. [ the cop nods ]
Dwayne Thumper: YOU INJUNCT WITH HELL, YOU EVIL FORNICATORS!
Principal: Okay, okay! [ to cop ] Come on, Larry, I’ll buy you a donut.
[ they both exit the front door ]
Mrs. Thumper: So how was your day at school today, son?
Dwayne Thumper: Fine.
Mrs. Thumper: Did you make the football team like you wanted?
Dwayne Thumper: No. [ sits down ] The evil coach made a pact with Satan to keep me off the team! And I damned him and the entire team to eternal Hell!
Mrs. Thumper: Well, good for you, son.
Landscaper: [ enters holding a tree branch ] Mrs. Thumper? Mrs. Thumper, I cleaned out your gutters and I cleaned your, uh, repaired your drain pipe.
Mrs. Thumper: Oh! That evil, sinful gutter has been a CURSE upon this house!
Landscaper: [ displays the branch ] No, this was the problem, this was stuck right in it.
Mrs. Thumper: Oh, that evil branch was put here by the Antichrist — hold my hand, son — [ grabs Dwayne’s hand, and they bow their heads ] May that branch of Satan BURN IN HELL!
Landscaper: I’ll just put this out in the dumpster. [ exits ]
Carla Thumper: [ enters holding a Pat Boone album and her own Bible ] Dwayne! You used my record player again! And I condemn you to Hell for your evil trickery!
Dwayne Thumper: [ stands up, raises his Bible and his voice ] GOD HAS COMMANDED ME TO USE YOUR RECORD PLAYER, AND I REBUKE YOUR DAMNATION!
Carla Thumper: YOU CANNOT REBUKE MY DAMNATION BECAUSE YOUR REBUKE IS UNHOLY UNTO THE EYES OF THE LORRRRD-UH!
Dwayne Thumper: IT IS NOT!
Carla Thumper: IS TOO!
Mrs. Thumper: [ in full preacher mode ] DAMN YOU EVIL CHILDREN OF SATAN! MAY THAT EVIL RECORD PLAYER BE CONSUMED BY ALL THE FIRES OF HELL!
[ Mr. Thumper comes home from work, also with his own Bible, and hangs his helmet on the coat rack ]
Dwayne Thumper: Dad! Condemn Carla to Hell!
Carla Thumper: Condemn Dwayne to Hell!
Mr. Thumper: [ shoves the Bible in their faces ] I WILL CONDEMN YOU BOTH TO HELL IF YOU DO NOT CEASE THIS EVIL BICKERING, WHICH AFFECTS ME EVERY NIGHT AS I WALK THROUGH THAT DAMN DOOR!!
[ He sits down; Mrs. Thumper sits by his side. ]
Mrs. Thumper: What’s wrong, dear? Evil day at the office?
Mr. Thumper: MY EVIL BOSS IS A LIAR AND A FORNICATOR! ALSO HE PUT ME BACK ON THE JACKHAMMER AGAIN!
Mrs. Thumper: Oh, DAMN him! DAMN HIM TO HELL!
Mr. Thumper: IT IS HIS EVIL PLAN THAT THE JACKHAMMER WILL DROWN OUT THE WORD OF GOD AS IT COMES THROUGH ME! [ Mrs. Thumper sobs ] WOE UNTO HIM AND TO ALL WHO DWELL IN THE MOBILE HOME OFFICE OF THE EVIL CONSTRUCTION SITE!!
Dwayne Thumper: [ stands up ] DADDY, I WILL PRAY THAT THE MIGHTY ARM OF THE LORD WILL SMITE HIM AND DELIVER HIM TO THE BOTTOMLESS PIT OF OBLIVION!
Carla Thumper: [ stands up ] I will too, Daddy!
Mr. Thumper: Thanks, kitten. [ The phone rings ]
Dwayne Thumper: I’ll get it. [ answers the phone ] Hello? No. Yes. YOU EVIL FORNICATING SON OF SATAN! I CONDEMN YOU TO BE CAST DOWN FOREVER AND — hello? [ hangs up ]
Mrs. Thumper: Who was it?
Dwayne Thumper: Wrong number.
Mr. Thumper: Look, it has been a trying day for us all who spread the word of the Lord. Maybe we should go as a family to the movies.
Mrs. Thumper: Oh! Honey, that’d be fun!
Dwayne Thumper: “Die Hard” is playing at the Orpheum.
Mrs. Thumper: Oh, well what about “Gorillas in the Mist”?
Carla Thumper: Can we go to “The Last Temptation of Christ” again, please?
Mr. Thumper: YES!
Mrs. Thumper: Hallelujah!
[ they all get up and get ready to leave ]
Mr. Thumper: That is my favorite movie!
[ They go behind the couch to retrieve their bullhorns and picket signs which read “THERE WAS NO LAST TEMPTATION FOR CHRIST” and “LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION”, then exit the front door ]
Mrs. Thumper: I agree. PAGAN IDOLATERS OF ALL —
Mr. Thumper: [ through bullhorn ] EVIL SCORSESE, SON OF SATAN, HOLLYWOOD SERPENT!
[ back to opening title card ]
Don Pardo V/O: Join us next week for another episode of The Thumper Family.
[ fade to SNL band ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez