Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 2
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
…..A. Whitney Brown
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening and uh, what can I tell you?
[ Monitor: picture of Bernard Shaw ] The results of last Thursday’s presidential debates were invalidated yesterday when authorities found traces of steroids in debate moderator Bernard Shaw’s urine.
[ Monitor: picture of Dukakis between Miss Kitty and Festus from Gunsmoke ] After the debate, governor Dukakis was joined on the platform by his wife Kitty and his son Festus. Much of governor Dukakis’s anger the other night seems to be focused on the Bush charges labeling him a liberal. Dukakis countered Bush’s accusations by saying, “When it says liberal, liberal, liberal on the label, label, label, you will like it, like it, like it on your table, table, table.” I don’t want anybody out there thinking that I don’t realize how stupid that joke is.
[ Monitor: Weekend Update snap poll ] A Weekend Update snap poll of one randomly-selected voter shows that vice-president Bush with a commanding 100% to governor Dukakis’s 0%. [ applause, boos and hisses ] The poll, however, has a margin of error of +/- 100%.
[ Monitor: NBC/AP poll ] In a related story, a survey of Americans show that a commanding 82% feel that the Los Angeles Dodgers defeated the New York Mets in the National League playoffs. The poll has a margin of error of 18%. [ A baseball lands on his desk ] Wow. Gibson hit the hell out of that ball, didn’t he?
[ Monitor: picture of Dan Quayle holding a pumpkin ] Here’s a [ waits for the applause to die down ] TV verité joke. Well. Here’s an Update quiz: what’s the difference between these two spherical objects? The answer is, eventually the one on the left [ the pumpkin ] will have a light in it. Sorry, Dan. Oh, you make it so damn easy.
After a lengthy negotiation with both parties, the Federal Election Commission has finally agreed to a slight modification to the standard ballot. The new Republican ballot will look like this: [ a box for Bush/Quayle, with “BUSH” in big letters and “Quayle” in small letters ] And a new Democratic ballot: [ a box for Dukakis/Bentsen, with “Dukakis” in small letters and “BENTSEN” in big letters ]
People who listened to the legendary Kennedy/Nixon debate of 1960 on radio felt that Nixon had won, while those who watched it on TV thought that Kennedy won. People who listened to the Bush/Dukakis debate on radio called it a draw, and those who watched it on TV felt they had listened to it on the radio.
[ Monitor: Pictures of the New York Post with covers of Tyson and Givens ] You know, I hope Mike Tyson and Robin Givens straighten this thing out soon. I don’t need to see this much of Barbara Walters.
[ Monitor: Picture of Judd Nelson ] And I need Judd Nelson to get just a little weirder, okay? Judd. Call me, man. I wanna help.
[ Monitor: Picture of Ben Johnson ] Ben Johnson was charged with assault and dangerous use of a weapon in Toronto on Tuesday. Leaving the police station, he commented: “I’m going to Disneyland!”
[ Monitor: Picture of Ed Koch ] Amidst criticism, New York mayor Ed Koch has unveiled a new program to wash the homeless who reside in ever-increasing numbers in our city street. [ footage of people getting sprayed during riots ]
Donald Trump, today, pledged to donate $1.5 million to Mother Teresa on the condition that she change her name to Mother Trump.
[ Monitor: McDonald’s logo ] This week, a federal study revealed there is now a McDonald’s restaurant in every neighborhood in America, except on the street that McDonald’s owner Joan Crock lives on.
Dennis Miller: And now, here to put all these big generalities into even — nice setup there, huh? — even more big perspective, is my good friend and co-correspondent, A. Whitney Brown, with “The Big Picture”. Welcome back, Whitney! [ They shake hands ]
A. Whitney Brown: Thank you. Thank you. You know, I’ve been watching these debates and I’ve noticed the one thing that candidates never talk about is the weather. I think they’re dodging the issue. So let’s take a look at the record. The weather has been terrible. Droughts, fires, floods, hurricanes this administration has had the worst weather in recent history. Matter of fact, these last eight years have been like a nature hike through the Book of Revelations. We have this Greenhouse Effect heating up the entire planet. The ice caps are gonna melt. Oceans will flood into the cities, and then — junkies will be able to pick up syringes right off the sidewalk. And you know, just when we need all the oxygen we can get, somebody decided it was the perfect moment to turn the tropical rainforest into chopsticks and cheap furniture. Species are becoming extinct before they’ve even been exploited. Now of course, some of these species have only themselves to blame. I figure, if a species becomes extinct, there’s a good chance it just wasn’t working hard enough. Either that, or maybe it had some inherent character flaws. Still, this accelerating extinction rate is a crime against nature, because there’s gonna come a time on this planet when we need those animals for medical research. You know, this is a little off the subject, but there are actually animal rights activists out there protesting at laboratories, because they’re using guinea pigs as guinea pigs. I dunno, but anyway, the very idea that the jaguar should become extinct while the pekingese survives, indicates to me that somebody hasn’t thought this thing through. Now I know this may never be a big campaign issue, unless it turns out that these animals are being killed by prisoners out on furlough. But I do know that it’s starting to get mighty lonely up here at the top of the food chain. And that, my friend, is The Big Picture.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Whitney Brown! [ applause as they shake hands again ] Whitney Brown with “The Big Picture”.
You know, I’ve been following that election in Burma, and I gotta tell ya, as far as charisma goes, that Som Wong makes Ni Nguyen look like On Song Sui Ke.
The PTL theme park was bought this week for $115 million by real estate developer Steven Mernick, an Orthodox Jew. Mernick says he plans to change the name of the park from “Heritage USA” to “CHHHHeritage USA”.
[ Monitor: Picture of girl from “Les Miserables” poster ] This drawing left the cast of the Broadway hit show “Les Miserables” this week, and was replaced by this drawing. [ picture of Tammy Faye Baker ]
[ Monitor: Newspaper headline “Turin shroud made after crucifixion” ] And the Shroud of Turin has finally been declared a fake. Scientists have carbon-dated it only as far back as the 12th Century and say it’s actually an old Joan Collins publicity still.
[ Monitor: Picture of a small jet plane on top of a larger jet plane ] And the shuttle Discovery got a little this week. Good for you, shuttle!
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!
Submitted by: G. Gomez