Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 3
Restaurant Sex Talk
[ open on Bill and Bob sitting at a table for four at a classy restaurant ]
Bill: I think when the girls get back from the powder room, we’d better order.
Bob: Yes, yes. Listen, I’m really sorry Jackie and I were so late.
Bill: Oh, no problem. It’s just that Cheryl and I thought something might have happened with the car.
Bob: Ah, it’s not what happened with the car, it’s what happened in the car!
Bill: I’m sorry?
Bob: Well, I don’t know what Cheryl likes doing in the car, but Jackie really gets off on the danger! [ laughs ]
Bill: Good for you.
Jackie: Hi, fellas! We were just having a little girl talk. What were you guys chatting about?
Bill: Uh.. about what we should order.
Bob: Well, actually, we were just talking about why we were late!
Jackie: Oh, well, so were we!
Bob: Well, you see, what happened was, as I was getting in the car, Jackie got a shot of my derriere, and, well, she just couldn’t help yourself!
Jackie: Me? I think someone got it backwards.
Bob: Well, I believe somebody did get it backward! [ laughs ]
Bill: Yes. Maybe we should just order.
Cheryl: Yes, I think I’m getting the Caeser salad and a blackened redfish.
Bill: I’m going with the scampi.
Jackie: Mmm.. sex makes me so hungry!
Bill: B-b-but, I can’t believe you were able to get four house seats to “Phantom of the Opera”.
Bob: Yeah, I got them from Ned Cheney, you know he handles all the pulic relations for the Shuman Theaters.
Cheryl: That’s a handy person to know.
Bob: We stayed at his summer house in East Hampton last year.
Cheryl: Oh, how lovely.
Bob: Yeah, it’s funny, though, we almost turned down the invite. We can’t stay in the same house with another couple.
Jackie: We like to walk around in the nude.
Bob: And we’re very loud, if you know what I mean! You know what, but it turned out he had a guest house.
Jackie: And a swimming pool! Oh, first day we were there –
Bob: This is a funny story! [ laughs ]
Jackie: First day we’re there, wee’re making it in the pool –
Bob: We turned around, and one of his kids is watching us.
Jackie: Now, this little boy is about four years old, and he thinks Bob is huirting me bvecaus –
Bob: Because Jackie’s moaning so loud!
Jackie: [ laughing ] Anyway.. the whole weekend, the little boy followed me around trying to protect me from Bob. Isn’t that cute?
Cheryl: Bill and I broke a bed once.
Bill: [ laughs uncomfortably ]
Bob: A bed, huh? Last week, we broke a sink!
Jackie: Hell! I broke a bed once masturbating!
Bob: Of course, I was watching!
Cheryl: Excuse me, I’m very happy that the two of you share an active sex life –
Cheryl: No, no, I have something to say. Bill and I also have a very full sexual relationship. We make love with great frequency, and, I daresay, with a fair amount of variation, more so than you might imagine.
Bill: Honey, I think that –
Cheryl: Bill! But we do not feel the need to share Bill’s prowess or my voice level with business associates or the general public at large!
Bob: I’m sorry. You’re absolutely right. You see.. Jackie and I have been having a lot of.. problems.. lately. In fact, we’ve been, um.. seeing a couples therapist. He seems to think that we both have a great.. deal of difficulty with.. intimacy.
Jackie: It seems that the only way we’re capable of expressing intimacy is through sex..
Cheryl: You don’t have to explain.. I’m very sorry.
Bob: You see, we both grew up in homes where there was very ltitle.. display of affection, if any. Well, mine more than yours, really, though..
Jackie: [ breaks into tears, runs to the bathroom ]
Cheryl: Oh, God, I’m sorry.. I’m gonna go apologize to her right away..
Bob: No, no, no, that’s alright, I’d better go talk to her.
Cheryl: I feel really stupid.
Bill: Well, honey, you said what you felt. I hope she’s okay. Do you think we’re going to go to the show?
Cheryl: Well, I guess that’s not really that important now.
Bill: I guess not.
Waiter: Would you care to order now?
Cheryl: I think we should wait..
Bill: Yes. We’re going to..[ suddenly, we hear Bob and Jackie making sexual sounds from the bathroom ]
Bill: [ uncomfortable ] W-w-w-waiter! Waiter! The two of us![ fade ]