SNL Transcripts: John Larroquette: 10/22/88: Restaurant Sex Talk


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Restaurant Sex Talk

Bill…..Phil Hartman
Bob…..John Larroquette
Jackie…..Victoria Jackson
Cheryl…..Nora Dunn
Patron…..Tom Davis
Patron…..Andy Murphy

[ open on Bill and Bob sitting at a table for four at a classy restaurant ]

Bill: I think when the girls get back from the powder room, we’d better order.

Bob: Yes, yes. Listen, I’m really sorry Jackie and I were so late.

Bill: Oh, no problem. It’s just that Cheryl and I thought something might have happened with the car.

Bob: Ah, it’s not what happened with the car, it’s what happened in the car!

Bill: I’m sorry?

Bob: Well, I don’t know what Cheryl likes doing in the car, but Jackie really gets off on the danger! [ laughs ]

Bill: Good for you.

Jackie: Hi, fellas! We were just having a little girl talk. What were you guys chatting about?

Bill: Uh.. about what we should order.

Bob: Well, actually, we were just talking about why we were late!

Jackie: Oh, well, so were we!

Bob: Well, you see, what happened was, as I was getting in the car, Jackie got a shot of my derriere, and, well, she just couldn’t help yourself!

Jackie: Me? I think someone got it backwards.

Bob: Well, I believe somebody did get it backward! [ laughs ]

Bill: Yes. Maybe we should just order.

Cheryl: Yes, I think I’m getting the Caeser salad and a blackened redfish.

Bill: I’m going with the scampi.

Jackie: Mmm.. sex makes me so hungry!

Bill: B-b-but, I can’t believe you were able to get four house seats to “Phantom of the Opera”.

Bob: Yeah, I got them from Ned Cheney, you know he handles all the pulic relations for the Shuman Theaters.

Cheryl: That’s a handy person to know.

Bob: We stayed at his summer house in East Hampton last year.

Cheryl: Oh, how lovely.

Bob: Yeah, it’s funny, though, we almost turned down the invite. We can’t stay in the same house with another couple.

Jackie: We like to walk around in the nude.

Bob: And we’re very loud, if you know what I mean! You know what, but it turned out he had a guest house.

Jackie: And a swimming pool! Oh, first day we were there –

Bob: This is a funny story! [ laughs ]

Jackie: First day we’re there, wee’re making it in the pool –

Bob: We turned around, and one of his kids is watching us.

Jackie: Now, this little boy is about four years old, and he thinks Bob is huirting me bvecaus –

Bob: Because Jackie’s moaning so loud!

Jackie: [ laughing ] Anyway.. the whole weekend, the little boy followed me around trying to protect me from Bob. Isn’t that cute?

Cheryl: Bill and I broke a bed once.

Bill: [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Bob: A bed, huh? Last week, we broke a sink!

Jackie: Hell! I broke a bed once masturbating!

Bob: Of course, I was watching!

Cheryl: Excuse me, I’m very happy that the two of you share an active sex life –

Bill: Honey..

Cheryl: No, no, I have something to say. Bill and I also have a very full sexual relationship. We make love with great frequency, and, I daresay, with a fair amount of variation, more so than you might imagine.

Bill: Honey, I think that –

Cheryl: Bill! But we do not feel the need to share Bill’s prowess or my voice level with business associates or the general public at large!

Bob: I’m sorry. You’re absolutely right. You see.. Jackie and I have been having a lot of.. problems.. lately. In fact, we’ve been, um.. seeing a couples therapist. He seems to think that we both have a great.. deal of difficulty with.. intimacy.

Jackie: It seems that the only way we’re capable of expressing intimacy is through sex..

Cheryl: You don’t have to explain.. I’m very sorry.

Bob: You see, we both grew up in homes where there was very ltitle.. display of affection, if any. Well, mine more than yours, really, though..

Jackie: [ breaks into tears, runs to the bathroom ]

Cheryl: Oh, God, I’m sorry.. I’m gonna go apologize to her right away..

Bob: No, no, no, that’s alright, I’d better go talk to her.

Cheryl: I feel really stupid.

Bill: Well, honey, you said what you felt. I hope she’s okay. Do you think we’re going to go to the show?

Cheryl: Well, I guess that’s not really that important now.

Bill: I guess not.

Waiter: Would you care to order now?

Cheryl: I think we should wait..

Bill: Yes. We’re going to..

[ suddenly, we hear Bob and Jackie making sexual sounds from the bathroom ]

Bill: [ uncomfortable ] W-w-w-waiter! Waiter! The two of us!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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