Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 3
Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz
Mr. Krog…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Zarko…..Phil Hartman
Queen Phonobia…..Nora Dunn
Lloyd Bentsen…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on interior, Dukakis Headquarters ]
Aide: I don’t want to beat it into the ground, but there’s only two weeks left. You’ve got to start showing some compassion.
Michael Dukakis: Uh-huh.
Aide: Now, the issues are on our side, but poll after poll shows that people find you cold, unemotional, cerebral, unfeeling, robot-like, aloof, icy, emotionally dead, wooden, uh.. no fun, uninspiring, uh.. [ now shown leafing through a thesaurus ] ..dull as dishwasher..
Michael Dukakis: Uh, thank you, Susan.. thank you.. I think. You make quite a compelling case, to show more emotions in the campaign, and, clearly, that’s what we need to do. Now, uh, if you don’t mind, I need a few minutes alone.
Aide: Well, okay, but Senator Bentsen is waiting.
Michael Dukakis: Look, tell Lloyd that I need just a few minutes.
Aide: Alright. [ exits office ]
[ Dukakis stands, and tears off his business suit to reveal spacesuit underneath. He removes painting on wall to reveal a secret video monitor to an alternate world in outer space ]
Michael Dukakis: Earth to Imperial Galactic Command. Earth to Imperial Galactic Command. Please acknowledge.
Mr. Krog: Intergalactic Command acknowledges your signal. All of us on the planet Curlos, uh.. myself, Mr. Zarko, Warrior Queen Phenobia, wait with great eagerness a report of your mission.
Michael Dukakis: Well, uh, to be frank, Mr. Krog, my plan for the bloodless conquest of Earth has hit a snag. It’s hit a snag. In the last two months, my popularity with the unsuspecting Earth creatures has dipped. And, even if I win the Popular Vote, I could still lose the Electoral College.
Mr. Zarko: Uh, excuse me? Popular Vote? Electoral College? I don’t know what that means. I do know that Queen Phenobia had a plan to conquer Earth. A good plan, a plan with death rays, with battle stars, with zylon clouds.. and you oppose that plan. You assured us that you could conquer this planet from within, and turn these emotional, irrational Earth creatures.. into willing slaves.
Michael Dukakis: Well, uh.. Mr. Zarko can ridicule my plans, if he’d like. But the fact is, the Earth creatures can be enslaved. I know – I did it in Massachuesetts. Quietly, without publicity, and I turned the economy of that state around. [ a knock at the door ] Uh.. who is it?
Lloyd Bentsen: Mike! It’s me, Lloyd!
Michael Dukakis: Uh, Lloyd, I need.. I need just a few minutes.
[ Bentsen enters, and is immediately zapped into vapor by Dukakis ]
Michael Dukakis: Well.. the vaporization of Senator Bentsen will clearly need an explanation. It’s crucial at this point that I concentrate.. but suddenly I’m seized with a strange sense of.. panic.. I panicked. But at the risk of running a human emotion, all I can think of to say is.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“