Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 3
John Larroquette’s Monologue
[ audience applauds wildly as Larroquette enters Home Base ]
John Larroquette: [ relishes his applause ] Yes.. yes, don’t hold back! Let it all out![ audience applauds louder ]
Feels good, doesn’t it? God, it’s great to be back! Center Stage on “Saturday Night Live”. I love doing this show! I love the sketches, I love working with the cast.. but all of that pales to this moment – me.. alone.. Center Stage.. with millions of adoring eyes fixed on John Larroquette![ audience applauds louder ]
That’s right! Feed me! Build me up! I am at the center! This is where I belong!
A year and a half ago, I hosted this show, and I tasted the sweetness of this moment. But, then.. [ kneels ] I had to let it go. Week after week, a pathetic parade of pretenders stood up here and tried to fill my shoes. And I could only watch. How painful was my exile. [ stands ] But now I am back in full glory! All energies converge and fix upon me! This is my spot.
So. Who thinks they’re man enough to take it away from me, huh? Come on! You’re all envious. You’re out there – who has the guts to steal my limelight? I mean, there must be somebody! How about you, Tourist? Huh? This is your moment., Seize it. You could tell all your friends back in Tourist Town that you bested Larroquette. [ laughs ] Not man enough, huh?
Oh, and what have we here, a college boy. Hmm. I won’t even ask you, you’re too busy hiding in your ivory tower, right? [ College Boy grows angry ] Yes? go ahead, take your best shot! Come on, come on, come on![ the College Boy rushes toward Larroquette, but is quickly tossed aside and disposed of ]
What was that, did a breeze brush my cheek? None of you are fit to challenge me, I am far too powerful! [ laughs maniacally ]
Dana Carvey: John, John? I’m sorry, I think the spotlight is, you know, going to your head a little bit. Come on, let’s get out of here, alright? [ John grabs Dana’s hands and squeezes tightly ] John..! John.! Come on..!
John Larroquette: What is my name?!
Dana Carvey: John Larroquette!
John Larroquette: Who am I?!
Dana Carvey: You’re the host of this show! [ John squeezes harder ] King of the Studio!
John Larroquette: [ releases Dana ] That’s right! And we have got a show worthy of me! Randy Newman is here, so don’t go away, we’ll be right back!