SNL Transcripts: John Larroquette: 10/22/88: The Crests And Troughs Of Vernon Hawley Jr.

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

The Crests And Troughs Of Vernon Hawley Jr.

Vernon Hawley, Jr…..John Larroquette

[ open on Vernon Hawley, Jr. sitting atop a stool with a guitar in his hands ] [ SUPER: “Monday Night!” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“Monday night, Monday night is always party night around meeeee!”

[ SUPER: “Poor Me” ]

“Poor me.. poor me.. pour me another drink.”

Announcer: Finally, in one record collection, the up and down career of one of country’s best-loved and most unpredicatable supersatars – Vernon Haeley, Jr.

[ SUPER: “The Drivin’ Song” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“Scotch is for the highway, and rye for dirt roads!”

[ SUPER: “Prison Bars” ]

“Prison bars don’t serve liquor, and it’s always closing time in jail.”

[ SUPER: “Wednesday Night!” ]

“Wednesday night, Wednesday night, don’t tell me everything ain’t alright!”

[ SUPER: “Dear Son” ]

“Dear Son: I’m sorry, I let you down.. again.”

Announcer: Ride the emotional roller coaster of Vernon’s life with..

[ SUPER: “Jack Daniels, Ol’ Granddad, And Me” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]

“I lost every friend that I’ve ever had, except Jack Daniels, ol’ Granddad, and me.”

[ SUPER: “Jack Daniels, Ol’ Granddad, And Me (Again)” ]

“Jack Daniels, ol’ Granddad and me, we’re as happy as we could ever be!”

Announcer: And, of course, Vernon’s biggest hit..

[ SUPER: “I’m Drunk” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“I’m drunk, just like you thunk, drunk as a skunk, that’s right I’m drunk.”

Announcer: Those who have been lucky enough to hear him in concert, on those occasions when he showed up, know the magic of Vernon Hawley, Jr.

[ SUPER: “Dear Son (Again)” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“Dear Son: I stood and watched you in the school yard, and I feel so ashamed.”

[ SUPER: “Fifty Dollar Bill” ]

“Whoa! I just found a $50 bill! Babe, you and me can drink our fill!”

[ SUPER: “Facedown At Christmas (Again)” ]

“Facedown at Christmas.. again.”

Announcer: All the peaks and valleys, the highs and lows, of one of country’s most enduring, yet erratic, superstars.

[ SUPER: “One Day At A Time” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“One day at a time, I’m grateful to be sober..”

[ SUPER: “Off The Wagon” ]

“Off the wagon, on the warpath; look out, here comes Vernon again!”

Announcer: Until now, it was impossible to put together this three-record set of Vernon Hawley, Jr.’s greatest hits, because we couldn’t find him, But, finally, you can experience the effegies and naders of one of most precurial stars, by sending $19.95 to: The Crests and Troughs of Vernon Hawley, Jr., Lynchburg, Tennessee.

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: I hope you remember these ol’ tunes.. ’cause I don’t.

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