SNL Transcripts: John Larroquette: 10/22/88: The Crests And Troughs Of Vernon Hawley Jr.


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

The Crests And Troughs Of Vernon Hawley Jr.

Vernon Hawley, Jr…..John Larroquette

[ open on Vernon Hawley, Jr. sitting atop a stool with a guitar in his hands ] [ SUPER: “Monday Night!” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“Monday night, Monday night is always party night around meeeee!”

[ SUPER: “Poor Me” ]

“Poor me.. poor me.. pour me another drink.”

Announcer: Finally, in one record collection, the up and down career of one of country’s best-loved and most unpredicatable supersatars – Vernon Haeley, Jr.

[ SUPER: “The Drivin’ Song” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“Scotch is for the highway, and rye for dirt roads!”

[ SUPER: “Prison Bars” ]

“Prison bars don’t serve liquor, and it’s always closing time in jail.”

[ SUPER: “Wednesday Night!” ]

“Wednesday night, Wednesday night, don’t tell me everything ain’t alright!”

[ SUPER: “Dear Son” ]

“Dear Son: I’m sorry, I let you down.. again.”

Announcer: Ride the emotional roller coaster of Vernon’s life with..

[ SUPER: “Jack Daniels, Ol’ Granddad, And Me” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]

“I lost every friend that I’ve ever had, except Jack Daniels, ol’ Granddad, and me.”

[ SUPER: “Jack Daniels, Ol’ Granddad, And Me (Again)” ]

“Jack Daniels, ol’ Granddad and me, we’re as happy as we could ever be!”

Announcer: And, of course, Vernon’s biggest hit..

[ SUPER: “I’m Drunk” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“I’m drunk, just like you thunk, drunk as a skunk, that’s right I’m drunk.”

Announcer: Those who have been lucky enough to hear him in concert, on those occasions when he showed up, know the magic of Vernon Hawley, Jr.

[ SUPER: “Dear Son (Again)” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“Dear Son: I stood and watched you in the school yard, and I feel so ashamed.”

[ SUPER: “Fifty Dollar Bill” ]

“Whoa! I just found a $50 bill! Babe, you and me can drink our fill!”

[ SUPER: “Facedown At Christmas (Again)” ]

“Facedown at Christmas.. again.”

Announcer: All the peaks and valleys, the highs and lows, of one of country’s most enduring, yet erratic, superstars.

[ SUPER: “One Day At A Time” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“One day at a time, I’m grateful to be sober..”

[ SUPER: “Off The Wagon” ]

“Off the wagon, on the warpath; look out, here comes Vernon again!”

Announcer: Until now, it was impossible to put together this three-record set of Vernon Hawley, Jr.’s greatest hits, because we couldn’t find him, But, finally, you can experience the effegies and naders of one of most precurial stars, by sending $19.95 to: The Crests and Troughs of Vernon Hawley, Jr., Lynchburg, Tennessee.

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: I hope you remember these ol’ tunes.. ’cause I don’t.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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