Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 3
The Crests And Troughs Of Vernon Hawley Jr.
Vernon Hawley, Jr…..John Larroquette
[ open on Vernon Hawley, Jr. sitting atop a stool with a guitar in his hands ] [ SUPER: “Monday Night!” ]
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“Monday night, Monday night is always party night around meeeee!”[ SUPER: “Poor Me” ]
“Poor me.. poor me.. pour me another drink.”
Announcer: Finally, in one record collection, the up and down career of one of country’s best-loved and most unpredicatable supersatars – Vernon Haeley, Jr.
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“Scotch is for the highway, and rye for dirt roads!”[ SUPER: “Prison Bars” ]
“Prison bars don’t serve liquor, and it’s always closing time in jail.”[ SUPER: “Wednesday Night!” ]
“Wednesday night, Wednesday night, don’t tell me everything ain’t alright!”[ SUPER: “Dear Son” ]
“Dear Son: I’m sorry, I let you down.. again.”
Announcer: Ride the emotional roller coaster of Vernon’s life with..[ SUPER: “Jack Daniels, Ol’ Granddad, And Me” ]
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]
“I lost every friend that I’ve ever had, except Jack Daniels, ol’ Granddad, and me.”
“Jack Daniels, ol’ Granddad and me, we’re as happy as we could ever be!”
Announcer: And, of course, Vernon’s biggest hit..[ SUPER: “I’m Drunk” ]
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“I’m drunk, just like you thunk, drunk as a skunk, that’s right I’m drunk.”
Announcer: Those who have been lucky enough to hear him in concert, on those occasions when he showed up, know the magic of Vernon Hawley, Jr.[ SUPER: “Dear Son (Again)” ]
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“Dear Son: I stood and watched you in the school yard, and I feel so ashamed.”[ SUPER: “Fifty Dollar Bill” ]
“Whoa! I just found a $50 bill! Babe, you and me can drink our fill!”
“Facedown at Christmas.. again.”
Announcer: All the peaks and valleys, the highs and lows, of one of country’s most enduring, yet erratic, superstars.[ SUPER: “One Day At A Time” ]
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“One day at a time, I’m grateful to be sober..”[ SUPER: “Off The Wagon” ]
“Off the wagon, on the warpath; look out, here comes Vernon again!”
Announcer: Until now, it was impossible to put together this three-record set of Vernon Hawley, Jr.’s greatest hits, because we couldn’t find him, But, finally, you can experience the effegies and naders of one of most precurial stars, by sending $19.95 to: The Crests and Troughs of Vernon Hawley, Jr., Lynchburg, Tennessee.
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: I hope you remember these ol’ tunes.. ’cause I don’t.