Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 3
88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman
The Crests And Troughs Of Vernon Hawley Jr.
Vernon Hawley, Jr…..John Larroquette
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“Monday night, Monday night is always party night around meeeee!”
[ SUPER: “Poor Me” ]“Poor me.. poor me.. pour me another drink.”
Announcer: Finally, in one record collection, the up and down career of one of country’s best-loved and most unpredicatable supersatars – Vernon Haeley, Jr.
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“Scotch is for the highway, and rye for dirt roads!”
[ SUPER: “Prison Bars” ]“Prison bars don’t serve liquor, and it’s always closing time in jail.”
[ SUPER: “Wednesday Night!” ]“Wednesday night, Wednesday night, don’t tell me everything ain’t alright!”
“Dear Son: I’m sorry, I let you down.. again.”
Announcer: Ride the emotional roller coaster of Vernon’s life with..
[ SUPER: “Jack Daniels, Ol’ Granddad, And Me” ]Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]
“I lost every friend that I’ve ever had, except Jack Daniels, ol’ Granddad, and me.”
“Jack Daniels, ol’ Granddad and me, we’re as happy as we could ever be!”
Announcer: And, of course, Vernon’s biggest hit..
[ SUPER: “I’m Drunk” ]Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“I’m drunk, just like you thunk, drunk as a skunk, that’s right I’m drunk.”
Announcer: Those who have been lucky enough to hear him in concert, on those occasions when he showed up, know the magic of Vernon Hawley, Jr.
[ SUPER: “Dear Son (Again)” ]Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“Dear Son: I stood and watched you in the school yard, and I feel so ashamed.”
[ SUPER: “Fifty Dollar Bill” ]“Whoa! I just found a $50 bill! Babe, you and me can drink our fill!”
“Facedown at Christmas.. again.”
Announcer: All the peaks and valleys, the highs and lows, of one of country’s most enduring, yet erratic, superstars.
[ SUPER: “One Day At A Time” ]Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]“One day at a time, I’m grateful to be sober..”
“Off the wagon, on the warpath; look out, here comes Vernon again!”
Announcer: Until now, it was impossible to put together this three-record set of Vernon Hawley, Jr.’s greatest hits, because we couldn’t find him, But, finally, you can experience the effegies and naders of one of most precurial stars, by sending $19.95 to: The Crests and Troughs of Vernon Hawley, Jr., Lynchburg, Tennessee.
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: I hope you remember these ol’ tunes.. ’cause I don’t.