Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 4
Dukakis After Dark
Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz
Lloyd Bentsen…..Matthew Modine
Kitty Dukakis…..Jan Hooks
Ted Kennedy…..Phil Hartman
Leroy Neiman…..Kevin Nealon
Donna Rice…..Victoria Jackson
Jimmy Carter…..Dana Carvey
Joan Baez…..Nora Dunn
[ open on Michael Dukakis sitting in a chair in a darkened room ]
Michael Dukakis: Good evening. I’m Michael Dukakis. The Democratic candidate for President of the United States. Now, several months ago when we purchased this half-hour of television time, we planned to use it as a last-minute appeal to undecided voters. But.. quite frankly.. after meeting with my advisors, and seeing the latest polls, it’s clear to me – and it would be clear to anyone – that I don’t have a chinaman’s chance of winning this election. I’m gonna be beaten. Badly beaten. And I see no reason to sit here tonight and pretend otherwise. However, I’ve got thirty minutes of prepaid, non-refundable network time. Now, I could sit here, give you thesame old song-and-dance about “good jobs with good wages”, and “the best Ameroca is yet to come”.. blah, blah, blah, blah! But if you haven’t bought it by now, why bother? So, instead of speeches, I’ve decided to throw a party, for everyone involved with the campaign. It’s a good party. A fun party. And you’re invited. After all, the federal matching funds – you paid for half of it! So come on in.[ Dukakis gets up, as the lights rise and a woman removes his business suit and replaces it with a Hugh Hefnerish smoking jacket, then he joins the party ] [ SUPER: Dukakis After Dark ]
Michael Dukakis: [ is handed a drink by a bunny ] Ah! Everybody’s here. Come on, don’t be shy. Well, here’s my running-mate, Lloyd Bentsen.[ pan to Lloyd Bentsen, who’s chatting with two attractive girls ]
Lloyd Bentsen: ..Then I looked him straight in the eye, and said, “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy!” Ha ha!
Michael Dukakis: [ ambles over ] Lloyd. How’s that martini treating you?
Lloyd Bentsen: Not too badly, Mike. I wish the polls were treating us a little better.
Michael Dukakis: Well, Lloyd, we represent unpopular and discredited views.
Lloyd Bentsen: Mike! Now that it’s all over, you can tell me. You were gonna raise taxes, weren’t you?
Michael Dukakis: Well, you bet I was! Through the roof! But now.. I won’t get the chance.
Kitty Dukakis: [ from across the room ] Michael, would you come over here, please?
Michael Dukakis: [ to the camera ] Well, as usual, Ted Kennedy’s got his eye on a beautiful brunette. In this case, my wife Kitty.[ cut to Kitty and Ted Kennedy in the corner ]
Ted Kennedy: [ touching Kitty’s dress ] This is very nice.. what’s it made of..?
Kitty Dukakis: Senator Kennedy, please..
Ted Kennedy: You know, Kitty.. after a defeat like this, Mike’s gonna need some time alone.. If you like, you’re welcome to come down to Hiannas Port for a few days. Of course, you can have your own room..
Kitty Dukakis: No, I don’t think that would be a good idea, do you, Senator?
Ted Kennedy: Here. Watch this. [ swigs his beer, letting it drip down his shirt ]
Michael Dukakis: [ observing ] Well, it looks like these two want to be alone! [ looks across the room ] There’s my friend Leroy Neiman. Let’s go see what Leroy’s doing. [ approaches Leroy, who’s painting a mural ] Hello, Leroy. That’s great. It’s great. What do you call it?
Leroy Neiman: Governor, I call this “What Might Have Been”. It shows the nuclear aircraft carrier Niemitz after its conversion into a floating shelter for the homeless.
Michael Dukakis: Well, it’s beautiful, Leroy.
Leroy Neiman: Thank you.
Michael Dukakis: I think it’s right up there with the Olympic Moment series that you did for Burger King.
Leroy Neiman: Thank you.
Willie Horton: [ across the room ] Mike! My main man!
Michael Dukakis: [ walks over ] Willie Horton. Give me five. Come on, give me five.
Willie Horton: Hey, man, this party is great! Yo! Thanks for the furlough.
Michael Dukakis: It’s no problem, homeboy. I’m just sorry I won’t be able to give you that presidential pardon.
Willie Horton: Oh, that’s alright, man, you tried. Say.. you know Donna Rice? [ introduces blonde woman he’s dancing with ]
Michael Dukakis: Of course. Hello, Donna.
Donna Rice: Hi, Mike. Would you like to join us for some dirty dancing?
Michael Dukakis: Maybe later, kids. [ to the camera ] For now, come with me, I’d like you to meet the person that I consider the greatest living American – Jimmy Carter.[ Jimmy is engaged in conversation with Lloyd Bentsen ]
Lloyd Bentsen: ..I looked him right in the eye, and said, “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy!”
Jimmy Carter: Yes, well, I think I heard that, Lloyd..
Michael Dukakis: Jimmy?
Jimmy Carter: Oh, hello, Mike.
Michael Dukakis: I’m about to lose as bad as you did. Maybe worse. How did you deal with it afterwards?
Jimmy Carter: Well, basically, Michael, you go through three stages. The first is Denial: “I did win! I am the President! Yahoo!” But then when Reagan got inaugurated, I had to move on to the next stage.
Michael Dukakis: Which is?
Jimmy Carter: Anger. I was one pissed-off cracker!
Michael Dukakis: And then what?
Jimmy Carter: Well, then, Michael – Acceptance. I had to accept the fact that I was a downer. A liberal downer. A malaise-ridden liberal downer. A free-spending malaise-ridden liberal downer, who only knew..
Michael Dukakis: Jimmy, Jimmy.. believe me, I understand. [ looks across the room ] Is that Joan Baez? It is. Let’s go listen. Why don’t you join us?[ show Joan Baez singing ]
Joan Baez: “You’re lateral disarmament, abortions on demand
Take everybody’s guns away, and toss them in the sand.
Freec condoms for the kids
We’ll not blame the criminals for anything he did.
For who cam say what’s right or wrong, if there’s such a thing as sin?
And all that really matters, is wars we lose or win.
Michael Dukakis: [ sitting on couch ] Well, thanks for coming to the party. That just about does it for the campaign. You know, I think the one thing that really hurt us is the fact that Reaganomics works. It really does. I mean, aren’t you better off than you were eight years ago? I know I am. How about the rest of you? [ looks at his guests, who shake their heads in agreement ] I wish you weren’t, but you are. You are better off. And there’s no denying it. Well, I’d like to thank my guests – my running-mate, Lloyd Bentsen, who’d asked me to remind you he’s still on the ballot down in Texas; Jane Fonda; Daniel Ortega; an, of course, my good friend Ted Kennedy. Good night.