Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 4
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
…..A. Whitney Brown
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
[ Applause ]
Dennis Miller: Well thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
[ Monitor: Picture of Bush in Ohio ] On Wednesday of this week at a stump speech in the Midwest, an overtly confident George Bush publicly voiced his intention to vote for Michael Dukakis. Bush said, “There’s no way I see this coming down to my vote. I figure I’d throw the little guy a bone.”
[ Monitor: “Election ’88” logo, followed by picture of Gary ] Election analysts today predicted that the turnout for the November 8 election will be the lowest in forty years. Encouraged by this news, Gary Hart today announced he was re-entering the race. Good luck, Gary.
[ Monitor: Picture of Bush and Schwarzenegger ] Among the celebrities endorsing George Bush this week was actor Arnold Schwarzenegger. In a moment of unbridled enthusiasm, the muscle-bound actor accidentally tore the vice-president’s arm off! Bush continued the campaign through Illinois, while Schwarzenegger and the arm made a handshaking tour of Ohio.
[ Monitor: Picture of Dukakis in front of old houses ] In a final attempt to make himself a little more imposing, Mike Dukakis this week began a whistle-stop tour of those little villages you find under Christmas trees.
[ Monitor: Picture of old ladies in a voting booth, followed by picture of restroom stalls ] And in an effort to update the voting process this year, the U.S. Board of Elections unveiled a re-vamped version of the antiquated voting booth it feels strikes an appropriate chord for next week’s election.
[ A yellow sheet of paper is handed to him ]
This just in: in the last three minutes, Gary Hart was caught in a Washington DC condominium with a 23-year-old model, and announced he is dropping out of the race again. [ puts down the paper ]
[ Applause – a camera switching error occurs as two stagehands set up the whiteboard ]
NBC — [ waits for it to switch ] … all right. TV verité. You know —
[ Monitor: picture of Dukakis and Bryant Gumbel ] NBC’s Today Show performed a physics experiment this week, and as it’s been proved time and time again over the years, ego and no ego cancel each other out.
[ Monitor: Picture of red and blue boxes with “Bush” and “Dukakis” above them ] To get a better understanding of the electoral college votes by area, remember: it’s red for Bush, and blue for Dukakis. Let’s take a look at our Weekend Update electoral college map. [ the entire world map is red ] Well — that says a lot. Minnesota, Massachusetts, District of Columbia for Dukakis, and over there, I’m surprised — Lichtenstein went Republican this year!
More poll results: a poll taken of America’s prison population shows that 39% are for Bush, 39% are for Dukakis, and the other 22% of the prisoners abstain, saying they’re former members of the Reagan administration and wanted to play fair.
Dennis Miller: Here to take a look at the electoral college picture is Weekend Update’s Al Franken. Hello, Al.
[ Al Franken stands by a big white canvas, with a magic marker ]
Al Franken: Hi, Dennis. Thank you.
[ Al proceeds to draw a map of the United States on the canvas, beginning with Minnesota, Iowa and Wisconsin ]
Al Franken: Dennis, uh, this is a little talent I picked up after losing a bar bet — uh, I can draw all 48 contiguous states from memory.
Dennis Miller: I’ve seen Al do this before. It is amazing.
Al Franken: Well thank you, Dennis, and you’re doing a terrific job on Update this year.
Dennis Miller: Thanks Al. Thank you.
Al Franken: [ continues drawing the east coast – Kentucky, the Virginias, Pennsylvania, etc. ] I’m gonna use this little device to explain what I think is a very interesting electoral college situation, where Michael Dukakis could actually win the electoral college, while, uh, losing the popular vote, and doing this by taking a number of key states, uh, with narrow victories. Now, uh, I have to admit, I’m not totally unbiased here. I’ve, uh, worked on behalf of Dukakis, as have a number of celebrities. In fact, that’s where I guess a lot of my information. For example, Justine Bateman feels that the Russ belt is the key to this election. [ marks a “D” on Illinois, Michigan and Pennsylvania ] Ally Sheedy agrees, but feels that Dukakis might have lost Ohio when he picked Benson instead of John Glenn. [ marks a “R” on Ohio, then adds the Dakotas, Nebraska and Kansas ] Now Rob Lowe feels that this might be the year that Dukakis makes some in-roads into the farm belt. But I have to agree with Morgan Fairchild. [ draws “R”s on all four of them, plus Indiana ] Morgan says that if Quayle is playing anywhere, it’s in the Midwest. So Morgan gives only Iowa, Wisconsin and Minnesota [ marks the three with a “D” ] to Dukakis. Now I was talking to Linda Lavin …
Dennis Miller: TV’s Alice.
Al Franken: Yes. [ draws the New England colonies ] And she points out that Kitty Dukakis would be the first Jewish First Lady. So I’m giving New York to Dukakis. [ marks New York with a “D” ] Now, here’s something to watch out for. How many of his own home states will Bush take? [ marks more “R”s and “D”s on the map ] Orson Bean says both Maine and uh, uh, Connecticut, Dukakis will take his own home state, Rhode Island, Vermont, and New Hampshire goes for Bush. Now, Linda Lavin was saying that Kitty will help in New Jersey, but Joe Piscopo said, “No no no”. [ marks more “R”s and “D”s on the map ] Uh, Joe says Delaware and New Jersey for Bush, but West Virginia and Maryland for Dukakis. Now, the scuttlebutt from, uh, Judd Nelson, is that things are tightening up in the border states, but Sally Field says “Judd, you’re dreaming.” [ marks “R”s on Missouri, Arkansas and Tennessee, then adds more southeastern states ] Now that brings us down south, and where I have to agree with Leif Garrett.
Dennis Miller: Justine — that would be Justine’s boyfriend.
Al Franken: Gee, I didn’t know that. Maybe that’s where he got this. [ marks “R”s on the Carolinas, Georgia and Alabama, then Florida, Mississippi and Louisiana, then a “D” on Arkansas ] Anyway, he — Leif says, solid south, solid south for, uh, for Bush, even — I’m sorry, Linda Lavin — Florida. [ draws Oklahoma, then Texas ] Okay, now that brings us to what Lisa Bonet calls “The Big Enchilada”. I’m talking, of course, about Texas. Now, Lisa was talking to Shelley Fabares …
Dennis Miller: Donna Reed’s daughter on the old Donna Reed Show.
Al Franken: Yes. [ marks Oklahoma with an “R” ] And Shelley says that while Dukakis is behind in Texas, that, uh, Benson has a tremendous “get out the vote” operation — Dukakis by a whisper. [ marks Texas with a “D”, then puts “R”s on New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming and Montana, then draws Idaho, Utah and Arizona and marks them with “R”s ] Now we go to what Tony Randall calls, “The Solid West”. Tony Randall’s “Solid West”, which will bring us to where Molly Ringwald says this election is going to be decided.
Dennis Miller: The West Coast.
Al Franken: Exactly. [ draws Washington, Oregon and California, then marks Nevada with an “R” ] Now, Molly was talking to Debra Winger, and Debra, as you know, shot Officer and a Gentleman in Washington. And she tells me that Washington, Oregon and California [ marks them with “D”s ] are within reach for Dukakis and, combined with Hawaii’s four electoral votes — [ draws Hawaii, then writes “270” ] — this all adds up to 270, the exact number needed for Dukakis’ victory!
[ wild applause which lasts for 20 seconds ]
Dennis Miller: Yeah, well thank you, Al. He’s amazing. Al Franken, ladies and gentlemen. [ they shake hands, and Al struts away ]
Dennis Miller: Thank you again, Al. You know, the current issue of SPIN Magazine, on page 47 — [ displays a copy ] — has a Trojan condom ad that actually has a Trojan lubricated condom in it. Now, this campaign was done in good conscience, but I don’t think it was wise to staple these things in here like this. [ the audience laughs and applauds ] I mean I uh, you know, just — They have ten rules for condom use here, and I love rule #10. It says: “Remember, never re-use a condom.” Well, thank you guys for that news flash, okay, uh — [ puts the magazine away ] — I’m sure I would’ve stumbled on that by myself eventually. You know how they test condoms now? They pull them down over Howie Mandel’s head. And um —
[ Monitor: picture of Imelda Marcos ] Well, one of McGarrett’s boys, Chin Ho, came to Manhattan this week. Hey Chin!
Those whales trapped beneath the ice in Alaska were finally freed this week when actress Shelley Winters dove into the icy waters, swam to the pair and led them to safety. There’s got to be a morning after.
[ Monitor: picture of a map with a trail from Alaska to New York by sea ] In a follow-up story, here’s what happened to those whales: they left Alaska, came down the West Coast, through the Panama Canal, the gulf, up the East Coast, [ picture of Rockefeller Center ] and this morning, to the surprise of many New Yorkers, they broke through the ice in the Rockefeller Center skating rink! [ composited video footage of such ] Apparently they were uh — [ giggles as he waits for the applause to die down ] — Sadly, they were immediately booked as vagrant mammals and sent to Rikers Island to await trial.
[ Monitor: picture of Ferdinand Marcos ] Imelda Marcos returned to New York City this week to face charges of racketeering and embezzlement. The former Philippine first lady and her husband were accused of looting more than $100M from their national treasury. [ picture of Imelda sitting ] The criminal arraignment took place last Monday in Manhattan at Bergdorf Goodman, where Mrs. Marcos scoffed at the allegations but could offer no explanation for her gold-plated L’eggs.
Dennis Miller: And now, with a final comment on the electoral process, here is the man that I look up to most in the entire world: A. Whitney Brown with “The Big Picture”. Whitney? [ they shake hands ]
A. Whitney Brown: Thanks, Dennis. Well … my friends … over 200 years ago, the fathers of our nation created the office of President. I know it probably seemed like a good idea at the time. After all, in those days, all you had to do was vote for the man you liked the most. But then, sometime around the Tyler campaign, it degenerated into the lesser of two evils. You had to vote for the man you disliked the least. And now finally, in 1988, it’s come to the point where you have to against the man you dislike the most. Maybe our soil has been depleted of some essential leadership nutrients. Or maybe our diet is too rich. It happened to the French. You know, Reagan is no exception. No matter how much you like him, you have to admit: he’s no Richard Nixon. But you know, the scary thing is, the time will come when Jimmy Carter looks like a great president. When we put all of this into The Big Picture, you can point the blame at New Hampshire. They pick both candidates; every election they get first choice. I know we trust them because they seem solid — “The Granite State” — well, it’s more like the “small mammals by the side of the road” state. There they are, passing themselves off as some kind of Norman Rockwell American archetypes — “Live free or die,” that’s their motto. It’s on all their license plates. But when you think that all of these license plates are made by people in prison, well, it makes you wonder what it really means! I tell you, I’ve been there a few times, and as far as I can tell, it’s an indication of how cheap they are. “Live free or die” … well, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s perfectly safe to hand over the destiny of our nation to a pack of maple syrup-swilling squirrel worshippers. But apparently, the idea has set the rest of the nation aflame with indifference. You know, last year in Haiti, hundreds of penniless peasants laid down their lives in brutal massacre, simply for the privilege of casting a ballot. And here in the home of the brave, 40% of the electorate doesn’t even bother to walk down the block to the polls. Even less, if it looks like rain. Maybe it’s time to think about holding our primaries in Haiti. But either way, I’ll see you at the polls. Thank you. [ shakes hands with Dennis again ]
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney. Good one. Good job.
[ Monitor: tiger-skinned MTV logo, followed by pictures of hair-metal bands ] A spokesman for MTV revealed this week that Quiet Riot, Guns n’ Roses, Metallica, Krokus, the Scorpions, Helix, Motley Crüe, and Poison are all, in fact, the same band.
[ Monitor: picture of the California Raisins ] Well — violence broke out this week at a California Raisin concert at the Altamont Speedway outside of San Francisco. Local motorcycle gang Hell’s Prunes, hired as the Raisins’ bodyguards, evidently roughed up the guitarist for the Jefferson Airplane who opened the show. A spokesman for the Raisins said “Hey man, sex, bran, and rock n’ roll.”
[ Monitor: article title “‘Scary’ virus clogs top computers” ] In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you, when you link up to another computer, you’re linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.
Dennis Miller: And remember, only 76 more shopping days till Reagan’s gone. Hey Audrey, get well, ’cause guess what? That’s the news, folks, and I am outta here! [ does the “pencil swipe” ]
[ Applause, fade out ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez