SNL Transcripts: Demi Moore: 11/12/88: Beauty & The Beast


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 5

88e: Demi Moore / Johnny Clegg & Savuka

Beauty & The Beast

Vincent…..Phil Hartman
Catherine…..Jan Hooks
Bartholemew…..Jon Lovitz
Jennifer…..Demi Moore

[ open on drive-in movie theater – Vincent and Catherine snuggling in the back seat of Vincent’s cousin Bartholemew’s car ]

Vincent: I promise you, Catherine, as soon as we buy the food, I will return to your side. Farewell for now. [ steps out of car and walks off ]

Catherine: Don’t be long, my love.

[ pan to full view of car – Jennifer Bartholomew in the front seat ]

Bartholemew: I might have to help Vincent carry the food, so.. okay.. I’ll be back.. [ exits car and follows Vincent ]

Catherine: So? Come on, Jennifer, what do you think? We didn’tdrive all the way out here just to see the movie! What do you think of him?

Jennifer: Batholemew? He’s okay.. I guess..

Catherine: [ sighs ] Oh, I think he’s wonderful. He’s so sweet and intelligent, and I think he likes you-ou!

Jennifer: Oh, that’s nice.

Catherine: Yeah. You know, Bartholemew’s a lot like Vincent – his beauty is inside, in his soul. And that’s where you must look.

Jennifer: Mmm-hmm..

Catherine: You know, sometimes I’m amazed at Vincent’s wisdom and inner calm, it’s so inspiring.

Jennifer: Yeah, it sounds inspiring.. Listen, I reallyappreciate you trying to set me up with a boyfriend, but.. I-I-I don’twant to ruin your night. I saw a bus stop back there, I think I’lljust..

Catherine: No. No.

[ Vincent and Bartholemew return with the snacks ]

Vincent: [ to Bartholemew ] Oh.. uh, could you get the door, please?

Catherine: Here, let me take that. [ reaches for the trays ]

Vincent: Oh, would you please, darling? Thank you so much. [ steps into the car ] Let me just walk past you here.. [ sits down ] For a minute, we were lost. But the beauty in this car was our beacon.

Catherine: No, Vincent. What you saw was my love for you.

Vincent: Promise me, Catherine, that you will never extinguish that love. [ they embrace ]

Bartholemew: [ sits next to Jennifer ] Here are your nachos.

Jennifer: Thanks.

Bartholomew: You know, when I was at the cheese pump, I didn’t know how much cheese you wanted.. so I put some on the nachos, and I put some on the plate.

Jennifer: Uh.. Thanks. How much do I owe you?

Bartholomew: Well.. it was 80 cents for the Coke.. $1.50 for thenachos.. but, maybe I should pay..?

Jennifer: Uh.. no. I would really rather you didn’t. [ hands him some money ]

Catherine: [ still in the embrace ] It feels so good with your arms around me. Vincent. You are everything to me.

Vincent: Without you, my love, there is no me.

Bartholomew: [ turns to Jennifer ] This tastes like Diet – I think it’s yours! [ thrusts the cup toward her ]

Jennifer: [ startled ] Oh.. oh.. oh, okay..

Vincent: Hey, you two. How’s everything in the front seat?

Bartholomew: Fine.

Jennifer: Great.

Vincent: No one’s watching the movie, I hope! [ laughs ]

Catherine: You guys should be getting to know one another, huh?

Vincent: Bartholemew, entertain the lady.

Catherine: Yeah! Jennifer, did you know that Bartholomew knows a lot about the city’s sewers?

Jennifer: Uh.. no. He never mentioned that..

Bartholomew: Well, yeah.. the sewers. That’s where I live.. right? So.. you know, I use them to get around a lot, so.. well, you know, it’s funny.. but you learn a lot about the city that way.

Vincent: [ pleased ] There you go!

Bartholomew: Okay, uh.. I’ll show you. Where do you live?

Jennifer: Uh.. the East 60’s.

Bartholomew: Yeah, but where exactly?

Jennifer: Uh.. 62nd and 3rd.. 202 E. 62nd.

Bartholomew: [ thinking ] Oh, yeah.. there are a lot of toilets in that building!

Vincent: I think we should retire, and leave these two totheir privacy. But first.. Jennifer, would you mind turning down thespeaker? Bartholomew, why don’t you try to find 102-FM? Let’s get alittle mood music going..

Catherine: [ grabbing Vincent ] Come here, you!

Vincent: I can think of nothing I’d rather do! [ growlsplayfully, as they make out in the back ]

Bartholomew: [ fumbling for something to say to Jennifer ] So, uh.. do you ski?

Jennifer: Look, um.. I-I-I gotta go.. I forgot.. there was some.. “stuff”.. I was supposed to get..

Bartholemew: Oh, alright. When can I see you again?

Jennifer: Don’t do that. That’s not.. let’s just let it go.. Ican get a bus, and.. uh.. oh, well, uh.. okay. And listen, uh.. don’t call me. Okay? Bye. Sorry. [ exits car and runs away ]

Vincent: [ lloks up and notices Jennifer gone ] Hey, pal? Where’d Jennifer go?

Bartholomew: She had to get some “stuff”!

Vincent: Oh, really?

Catherine: Well, come on. What did you think of her? Isn’t she pretty?

Bartholomew: Yeah, she’s pretty.

Vincent: Pretty isn’t the word, Cousin. She’s a doll!

Catherine: Mmm, she’s the kind of girl you could have a lasting love with..

Bartholomew: [ miffed ] Shut up! Just shut up, okay! Justshut up!

Vincent: Alright.

Catherine: Geez.. no problem.
[ Vincent and Catherine return to making out, leaving Bartholomew alone in the front seat ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x