SNL Transcripts: Demi Moore: 11/12/88: Beauty & The Beast

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 5

88e: Demi Moore / Johnny Clegg & Savuka

Beauty & The Beast

Vincent…..Phil Hartman
Catherine…..Jan Hooks
Bartholemew…..Jon Lovitz
Jennifer…..Demi Moore

[ open on drive-in movie theater – Vincent and Catherine snuggling in the back seat of Vincent’s cousin Bartholemew’s car ]

Vincent: I promise you, Catherine, as soon as we buy the food, I will return to your side. Farewell for now. [ steps out of car and walks off ]

Catherine: Don’t be long, my love.

[ pan to full view of car – Jennifer Bartholomew in the front seat ]

Bartholemew: I might have to help Vincent carry the food, so.. okay.. I’ll be back.. [ exits car and follows Vincent ]

Catherine: So? Come on, Jennifer, what do you think? We didn’tdrive all the way out here just to see the movie! What do you think of him?

Jennifer: Batholemew? He’s okay.. I guess..

Catherine: [ sighs ] Oh, I think he’s wonderful. He’s so sweet and intelligent, and I think he likes you-ou!

Jennifer: Oh, that’s nice.

Catherine: Yeah. You know, Bartholemew’s a lot like Vincent – his beauty is inside, in his soul. And that’s where you must look.

Jennifer: Mmm-hmm..

Catherine: You know, sometimes I’m amazed at Vincent’s wisdom and inner calm, it’s so inspiring.

Jennifer: Yeah, it sounds inspiring.. Listen, I reallyappreciate you trying to set me up with a boyfriend, but.. I-I-I don’twant to ruin your night. I saw a bus stop back there, I think I’lljust..

Catherine: No. No.

[ Vincent and Bartholemew return with the snacks ]

Vincent: [ to Bartholemew ] Oh.. uh, could you get the door, please?

Catherine: Here, let me take that. [ reaches for the trays ]

Vincent: Oh, would you please, darling? Thank you so much. [ steps into the car ] Let me just walk past you here.. [ sits down ] For a minute, we were lost. But the beauty in this car was our beacon.

Catherine: No, Vincent. What you saw was my love for you.

Vincent: Promise me, Catherine, that you will never extinguish that love. [ they embrace ]

Bartholemew: [ sits next to Jennifer ] Here are your nachos.

Jennifer: Thanks.

Bartholomew: You know, when I was at the cheese pump, I didn’t know how much cheese you wanted.. so I put some on the nachos, and I put some on the plate.

Jennifer: Uh.. Thanks. How much do I owe you?

Bartholomew: Well.. it was 80 cents for the Coke.. $1.50 for thenachos.. but, maybe I should pay..?

Jennifer: Uh.. no. I would really rather you didn’t. [ hands him some money ]

Catherine: [ still in the embrace ] It feels so good with your arms around me. Vincent. You are everything to me.

Vincent: Without you, my love, there is no me.

Bartholomew: [ turns to Jennifer ] This tastes like Diet – I think it’s yours! [ thrusts the cup toward her ]

Jennifer: [ startled ] Oh.. oh.. oh, okay..

Vincent: Hey, you two. How’s everything in the front seat?

Bartholomew: Fine.

Jennifer: Great.

Vincent: No one’s watching the movie, I hope! [ laughs ]

Catherine: You guys should be getting to know one another, huh?

Vincent: Bartholemew, entertain the lady.

Catherine: Yeah! Jennifer, did you know that Bartholomew knows a lot about the city’s sewers?

Jennifer: Uh.. no. He never mentioned that..

Bartholomew: Well, yeah.. the sewers. That’s where I live.. right? So.. you know, I use them to get around a lot, so.. well, you know, it’s funny.. but you learn a lot about the city that way.

Vincent: [ pleased ] There you go!

Bartholomew: Okay, uh.. I’ll show you. Where do you live?

Jennifer: Uh.. the East 60’s.

Bartholomew: Yeah, but where exactly?

Jennifer: Uh.. 62nd and 3rd.. 202 E. 62nd.

Bartholomew: [ thinking ] Oh, yeah.. there are a lot of toilets in that building!

Vincent: I think we should retire, and leave these two totheir privacy. But first.. Jennifer, would you mind turning down thespeaker? Bartholomew, why don’t you try to find 102-FM? Let’s get alittle mood music going..

Catherine: [ grabbing Vincent ] Come here, you!

Vincent: I can think of nothing I’d rather do! [ growlsplayfully, as they make out in the back ]

Bartholomew: [ fumbling for something to say to Jennifer ] So, uh.. do you ski?

Jennifer: Look, um.. I-I-I gotta go.. I forgot.. there was some.. “stuff”.. I was supposed to get..

Bartholemew: Oh, alright. When can I see you again?

Jennifer: Don’t do that. That’s not.. let’s just let it go.. Ican get a bus, and.. uh.. oh, well, uh.. okay. And listen, uh.. don’t call me. Okay? Bye. Sorry. [ exits car and runs away ]

Vincent: [ lloks up and notices Jennifer gone ] Hey, pal? Where’d Jennifer go?

Bartholomew: She had to get some “stuff”!

Vincent: Oh, really?

Catherine: Well, come on. What did you think of her? Isn’t she pretty?

Bartholomew: Yeah, she’s pretty.

Vincent: Pretty isn’t the word, Cousin. She’s a doll!

Catherine: Mmm, she’s the kind of girl you could have a lasting love with..

Bartholomew: [ miffed ] Shut up! Just shut up, okay! Justshut up!

Vincent: Alright.

Catherine: Geez.. no problem.
[ Vincent and Catherine return to making out, leaving Bartholomew alone in the front seat ]

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