SNL Transcripts: Demi Moore: 11/12/88: One Man’s Demons



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 5







88e: Demi Moore / Johnny Clegg & Savuka

One Man’s Demons

Dan’s Wife…..Demi Moore
Dan…..Phil Hartman
Demon #1…..Dana Carvey
Demon #2…..Jon Lovitz
Daughter…..Victoria Jackson
Dr. Gould…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on Dan and his Wife in his living room ]

Dan’s Wife: Well, you’re certainly quiet tonight.

Dan: I am? Don’t mean to be. I’m just trying to finishthis report.

Dan’s Wife: [ struggling with file cabinet ] Oh, this thing! Dan, will you look at this?

Dan: What?

Dan’s Wife: This drawer! Would you fix it? It’s driving me crazy!

Dan: [ solemn, as the helpful demons pop into his head ]

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it!

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it!

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it!

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it!

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it!

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it!

Dan: [ get up to help ] Sure, sweetheart.. it’s probably just slipped off the track! [ pulls it free ] Yes, that’s all it was!

Dan’s Wife: [ standing on chair reaching at shelf ] Oh, I wish you wouldn’t pull my letters up here! They’re so hard for me to reach!

Dan: [ summons his demons again ]

Demon #2: Help her!

Demon #1: Kill her!

Demon #2: Help her!

Demon #1: Kill her!

Demon #2: Help her!

Demon #1: Kill her!

Demon #2: Help her!

Demon #1: Kill her!

Demon #2: Help her!

Demon #1: Kill her!

Dan: Be careful, honey! Let me help you.. [ grabs for her ]

Dan’s Wife: Oh, well, thank you.. It’s so nice to have a big strong man around! It could give a girl ideas!

Dan: [ demons to the rescue ]

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it now!

Demon #1: Do it later!

Demon #2: Do it now!

Demon #1: Do it later!

Demon #2: Do it now!

Demon #1: Brush your teeth!

Demon #2: Brush your teeth!

Dan: Well.. maybe we could have a little rendezvous.. say, around 11?

Dan’s Wife: Oh, okay. [ changing subject ] Oh, honey, did you get that present for your uncle yet?

Dan: Oh.. no. But there’s plenty of time.

Dan’s Wife: Yeah, but you know how the mail is at Christmas. If you just tell me what to get, I’ll go out and buy it.

Dan: [ considers his options ]

Demon #2: Red rum!

Demon #1: Red rum!

Demon #2: Red rum!

Demon #1: Red rum!

Demon #2: Red rum!

Demon #1: Red rum!

Demon #2: Red rum!

Demon #1: Red rum!

Dan: Well, uh.. I know he liked a bottle of red rum.. But I-I-I’ll take care of it.

Dan’s Wife: Oh, would you please? That would be great.

Dan: [ walks across and notices videotape ] Oh, what movie did you rent?

Dan’s Wife: Uh.. it’s an old Western with that actor you like..

Dan: [ laughing ] What actor?

Dan’s Wife: You know, uh.. the one who’s in all those musicals..

Dan: [ massages his wife’s shoulders and summons his demons for the answer ]

Demon #1: Keel!

Demon #2: Keel!

Demon #1: Keel!

Demon #2: Keel!

Demon #1: Keel!

Demon #2: Keel!

Demon #1: Keel!

Demon #2: Keel!

Dan: You mean.. Howard Keel?

Dan’s Wife: Yeah. That guy.

Dan: Oh. I don’t like him!

Dan’s Wife: Oh, I thought you did..?

Dan: I mean, he’s done some good work..

Daughter: [ enters, whining ] Dad, you can’t use the VCR! [ grabs his video ] I have to watch “Wuthering Heights” for my book report!

Dan: Fine. Go ahead.

Daughter: [ by the VCR ] Mom! Look what did to the machine! Healways does this! [ bends over ] Now I can’t push fast-forward! Why do we have this stupid old machine, anyway? No one has a top-loading machine anymore! You’re just too cheap to buy a new one!

Dan: [ almost kicks her in the rear, but his demons intercede ]

Demon #2: What are you waiting for?

Demon #1: Give her a hug!

Demon #2: Give her a hug!

Demon #1: Give her a hug!

Demon #2: Hug her!

Demon #1: Hug her!

Demon #2: Hug her!

Demon #1: Hug her!

Dan: [ hugs his Daughter ] Sweetie.. ah, just calm down. I know it’s an old VCR.. maybe we’ll get a new one from Santa!

Daughter: [ excited ] Really! Yay! Oh, with a remote! I’ll goget the catalogue! [ runs out of the room ]

Dan: [ shivering ] It’s freezing over here.. [ moves close to the front door ] ..oh, no wonder.. look, there’s cold air rushing in..

Dan’s Wife: Oh, well, no wonder it’s chilly in here. What can we do about it?

Dan: [ contemplates the situation, with a little help from his demons ]

Demon #1: Weatherstripping!

Demon #2: Weatherstripping!

Demon #1: Weatherstripping!

Demon #2: Weatherstripping!

Demon #1: Weatherstripping!

Demon #2: Weatherstripping!

Demon #1: Weatherstripping!

Demon #2: Weatherstripping!

Demon #1: Weatherstripping!

Demon #2: Weatherstripping!

Dan: No problem! I’ll just put in some weatherstripping!

Dan’s Wife: Oh, but honey, you’ve been working so hard. Are yousure you’ll have time?

Dan: [ thinking ]

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Dan: [nodding ] Mmm-hmm!

Dan’s Wife: Oh.. well.. if you’re sure.. [ doorbell rings ] Oh. I’ll get that. [ answers door, lets in Dr. Gould ] Oh, hello, Doctor.. come in. Dan, there’s someone I’d like you to meet. This is Dr. Gould.

Dr. Gould: Hello, Dan. Nice ot see you. [ sits down ] Dan, your wife and I were speaking yesterday, and she mentioned that you’ve been under a lot of stress lately. I’d like to try to help.

Dan: You mean.. you’re a psychiatrist. Nancy, did you call?

Dan’s Wife: Well, sweetheart.. you haven’t been acting yourself lately. You’ve been so thoughtful and considerate, I just thought I should talk to someone..

Dr. Gould: Dan, many people find that in a new setting, away from the distractions, they’re able to focus better.

Dan: Well, wait a minute.. you’re talking about.. putting me in a hospital..? [ his demons rise ]

Demon #1: Thank her!

Demon #2: Thank her!

Demon #1: Thank her!

Demon #2: Thank her!

Demon #1: Do it now!

Demon #2: Do it now!

Demon #1: Thank her now!

Demon #2: Thank her now!

Demon #1: Thank her now!

Demon #2: Thank her now!

Dan: Well, thank you, honey.. thank you for caring enough to do this. Will you pack a suitcase for me?

Dan’s Wife: Well, of course I will! And I’ll come to visit youeveryday! [ walks Dan to the door ]

Daughter: [ rushes in, sees her father leave with Dr. Gould ] Mom, where’s Dad going? Is he going to that place again?

Dan’s Wife: It’s going to be a tough few weeks, honey.. I hope we can get through it.. [ summons Dan’s demons ]

Demon #1: Take a class!

Demon #2: Take a pottery class!

Demon #1: Bring the girl!

Demon #2: Bring the girl!

Demon #1: Bring the girl!

Demon #2: Bring the girl!

Demon #1: Bring the girl!

Demon #2: Bring the girl!

Dan’s Wife: Hey! How about if we take a pottery class? You and me!

Daughter: Yeah!

[ they exit the room ] [ dissolve into title graphic: “One Man’s Demons” ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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