Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 5
Pumping Up With Hans & Franz
Forest Ranger…..Al Franken
[ open on a starry night – camera pans down to find Hans & Franz on their sleeping bags gazing into the night ]
Hans: Franz? Are you sleeping?
Franz: No, Hans. I was just counting stars.
Hans: Listen to me now, and believe me later: you can’t count all the stars, Franz. It’s like trying to count all your muscles.
Franz: Yes, you are right.
Hans: The universe is so vast.
Franz: I was just thinking, Hans: suppose we were just a tiny speck of a muscle, inside a larger muscle, inside an even larger muscle. It boggles my mind just talking about it.
Hans: Okay, then, enough talk. We’re not here to talk, we’re here to..
Together: ..get.. [ clap their hands ] ..some rest.
Franz: Hans? Are you sleepy?
Hans: No, Franz. I was just thinking: if the universe is neverending, that means, if we took our properly pumped-up muscles and lay them end to end.. still they would not reach the end!
Franz: That is very hard to comprehend. Hans, would you ever go up to Mars in a rocketship?
Hans: No, Franz. Because then I would be veightless, and that is my worst nightmare.
Franz: Yeah, good thinking, Hans. You know, they could never have a veight-lifting competition on Mars, because even a puny-sized man could lift a man-size weight.
Hans: Ya. In veightlifting competitions of the future, they’regoing to have to watch that very carefully.
Franz: Hans, I cannot sleep. I’m going to get up and have a nice hot cup of protein drink. [gets up ]
Hans: I think I vill join you. [ also gets up ] [ a wolf howls ]
Franz: Vhat was that?
Hans: Vhat was vhat?[ a cat screams ]
Hans: I don’t know.. but if I was a wild bear thinking aboutattacking a certain campsite, I would think twice now and think about it again later!
Franz: Listen to me now, and hear me later, Mr. Bear: if you think that ve are easy prey, then take a look at this![ Hans and Franz flex their muscles for all the wild forest animals to see ]
Franz: Listen to me now! Ve can.. ve can..very easily..
Together: [ slowly ] ..pump.. [ clap ] .. you up.. Pump.. [ clap ] ..you up.. Pump.. [ clap ] ..youup..[ Forest Ranger walks up ]
Forest Ranger: Hi, fellas! How’s it going? [ Hans and Franz scream in surprise ] Oh. Sprry to scare you guys. I’m just doing the rounds. It’s going to be $5 for the campsite, but you can pay on the way out.
Franz: You did not frighten us! We do not scare that easily!
Hans: No, you are entirely mistaken, my friend!
Forest Ranger: Well.. whatever. Oh, by the way, the showers are up at the top of hill there, and the snack bar’s closing in about ten minutes, so if you need anything.. hey, wait a minute.. aren’t you those two guys on the cable thing? The exercise thing..?
Hans: Ya. I am Hans!
Franz: And I am Franz!
Together: And we just want to pump.. [ clap ] ..you up!
Hans: Ya, that is us!
Forest Ranger: I thought so. Well, have a good night.
Franz: I suppose you want our autographs, huh?
Forest Ranger: No, that’s okay.
Hans: No, don’t be too shy about it, Mr. Ranger. You know, we get that stuff all the time!
Forest Ranger: No.. what would I do with an autograph out here?
Hans: Vhy don’t you get it for your girlfriend?
Forest Ranger: No, that’s okay. And once again, I’m sorry if I.. scared you guys. [ walks off ]
Franz: He did not scare us..
Hans: No, I was not scared..
Franz: Don’t give yourself too much credit, Mr. Out-of-Shape Ranger Man!
Hans: Ya, Mr. Smokey the Bear Man! You know, if you thinkyou scared us, my friend, then you are a dreamer!
Franz: Ya, and dreamers are in for a rude awakening!
Hans: Ya, you know, maybe we should wake you up by putting a bear trap in your bed, and then having it snap your flabby fanny!
Franz: Ya, and you would not even feel it, and then we’d bestuck with some trapped flab!
Hans: Ya, that’s right! Hear me now, and believe me.[ other campers start to complain behind the bushes ]
Hans: Hey, don’t be telling us what to do, campers! You know, where do you get off yelling at us?
Franz: Ya, you know, if we have to come over there, you will bebetween a rock and a hard place!
Hans: Ya, that’s right! In other words, between Hans and Franz!
Franz: [ calm ] Alright, alright.. enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..
Together: ..get.. [ clap their hands ] ..some rest.[ they return to their sleeping bags and gaze at the stars ]
Franz: Hans? Are you asleep?
Hans: No, Franz.
Franz: I was just wondering: what, if at the end of the universe, there was this big wall of muscle?
Hans: Ya. And what would be on the other side of that big muscle wall?
Franz: It just boggles my mind thinking about it.
Hans: Me, too.[ camera pans up to the stars ] [ fade to black ]