SNL Transcripts: Demi Moore: 11/12/88: Pumping Up With Hans & Franz



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 5



88e: Demi Moore / Johnny Clegg & Savuka

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Forest Ranger…..Al Franken

[ open on a starry night – camera pans down to find Hans & Franz on their sleeping bags gazing into the night ]

Hans: Franz? Are you sleeping?

Franz: No, Hans. I was just counting stars.

Hans: Listen to me now, and believe me later: you can’t count all the stars, Franz. It’s like trying to count all your muscles.

Franz: Yes, you are right.

Hans: The universe is so vast.

Franz: I was just thinking, Hans: suppose we were just a tiny speck of a muscle, inside a larger muscle, inside an even larger muscle. It boggles my mind just talking about it.

Hans: Okay, then, enough talk. We’re not here to talk, we’re here to..

Together: ..get.. [ clap their hands ] ..some rest.

Franz: Hans? Are you sleepy?

Hans: No, Franz. I was just thinking: if the universe is neverending, that means, if we took our properly pumped-up muscles and lay them end to end.. still they would not reach the end!

Franz: That is very hard to comprehend. Hans, would you ever go up to Mars in a rocketship?

Hans: No, Franz. Because then I would be veightless, and that is my worst nightmare.

Franz: Yeah, good thinking, Hans. You know, they could never have a veight-lifting competition on Mars, because even a puny-sized man could lift a man-size weight.

Hans: Ya. In veightlifting competitions of the future, they’regoing to have to watch that very carefully.

Franz: Hans, I cannot sleep. I’m going to get up and have a nice hot cup of protein drink. [gets up ]

Hans: I think I vill join you. [ also gets up ] [ a wolf howls ]

Franz: Vhat was that?

Hans: Vhat was vhat?

[ a cat screams ]

Franz: That!

Hans: I don’t know.. but if I was a wild bear thinking aboutattacking a certain campsite, I would think twice now and think about it again later!

Franz: Listen to me now, and hear me later, Mr. Bear: if you think that ve are easy prey, then take a look at this!

[ Hans and Franz flex their muscles for all the wild forest animals to see ]

Hans: Listen!

Franz: Listen to me now! Ve can.. ve can..very easily..

Together: [ slowly ] ..pump.. [ clap ] .. you up.. Pump.. [ clap ] ..you up.. Pump.. [ clap ] ..youup..

[ Forest Ranger walks up ]

Forest Ranger: Hi, fellas! How’s it going? [ Hans and Franz scream in surprise ] Oh. Sprry to scare you guys. I’m just doing the rounds. It’s going to be $5 for the campsite, but you can pay on the way out.

Franz: You did not frighten us! We do not scare that easily!

Hans: No, you are entirely mistaken, my friend!

Forest Ranger: Well.. whatever. Oh, by the way, the showers are up at the top of hill there, and the snack bar’s closing in about ten minutes, so if you need anything.. hey, wait a minute.. aren’t you those two guys on the cable thing? The exercise thing..?

Hans: Ya. I am Hans!

Franz: And I am Franz!

Together: And we just want to pump.. [ clap ] ..you up!

Hans: Ya, that is us!

Forest Ranger: I thought so. Well, have a good night.

Franz: I suppose you want our autographs, huh?

Forest Ranger: No, that’s okay.

Hans: No, don’t be too shy about it, Mr. Ranger. You know, we get that stuff all the time!

Forest Ranger: No.. what would I do with an autograph out here?

Hans: Vhy don’t you get it for your girlfriend?

Forest Ranger: No, that’s okay. And once again, I’m sorry if I.. scared you guys. [ walks off ]

Franz: He did not scare us..

Hans: No, I was not scared..

Franz: Don’t give yourself too much credit, Mr. Out-of-Shape Ranger Man!

Hans: Ya, Mr. Smokey the Bear Man! You know, if you thinkyou scared us, my friend, then you are a dreamer!

Franz: Ya, and dreamers are in for a rude awakening!

Hans: Ya, you know, maybe we should wake you up by putting a bear trap in your bed, and then having it snap your flabby fanny!

Franz: Ya, and you would not even feel it, and then we’d bestuck with some trapped flab!

Hans: Ya, that’s right! Hear me now, and believe me.

[ other campers start to complain behind the bushes ]

Hans: Hey, don’t be telling us what to do, campers! You know, where do you get off yelling at us?

Franz: Ya, you know, if we have to come over there, you will bebetween a rock and a hard place!

Hans: Ya, that’s right! In other words, between Hans and Franz!

Franz: [ calm ] Alright, alright.. enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..

Together: ..get.. [ clap their hands ] ..some rest.

[ they return to their sleeping bags and gaze at the stars ]

Franz: Hans? Are you asleep?

Hans: No, Franz.

Franz: I was just wondering: what, if at the end of the universe, there was this big wall of muscle?

Hans: Ya. And what would be on the other side of that big muscle wall?

Franz: It just boggles my mind thinking about it.

Hans: Me, too.

[ camera pans up to the stars ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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