Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 5
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
Imelda Marcos…..Nora Dunn
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, what can I tell you?
The big story this week, of course – the election – and the next President will be George Bush, the Republican. I say this because a recent NBC News poll shows that 60% of “Saturday Night Live” viewers get all, or most, of their news from “Weekend Update”.
And now that the election is over, I think a little self-examination is in order – did we at “Weekend Update” contribute to a campaign that was dreadfully short on issues? A little mea culpa here – on the week that George Bush gave a major speech on trade policy, we did a joke comparing Marilyn Quayle’s hair to Laura Petrie’s. And the week Michael Dukakis outlined his defense strategy, we did a joke comparing Quayle’s head to a pumpkin with no candle in it. So, yes, we could have done better. But we’re only human, and all I can say is we’ll have to try harder.
In the news this week: President-elect George Bush this week finally owned up and admitted that the only reason he chose Dan Quayle as his running mate was to guarantee that no one would attempt to assassinate him in the next four years. “This guy is a walking, breathing bullet-proof vest,” said Bush.
Dennis Miller: And now, “Weekend Update” has an exclusive interview with Imelda Marcos, as we go live to her home in Hawaii, via sattelite. Mrs. Marcos, can you hear me? This is Dennis Miller at “Weekend Update”.
[ Imelda Marcos appears on the screen behind him ]
Imelda Marcos: Yes, I can hear you.
Dennis Miller: Mrs. Marcos, how are you feeling now, faced with the possibility of going to prison?
Imelda Marcos: Prison? My God, I am a prisoner Now! Myhusband is very sick, we have been stripped of our dignity. My God! We have nothing!
Dennis Miller: What about those three big buildings in Manhatten?
Imelda Marcos: They are not that big. They are not that big!
Dennis Miller: Oh, come on, Mrs. Howell! Are we supposed to think that you and Thurston are helping the Professor make radio headphones out of coconut shells? Come on! This is Dennis, level with me, baby!
Imelda Marcos: Okay, we took the money, dammit! I admit it! We took it! And we knew what to do with it, man, you’d better believe it! We ripped off the whole Phillippine National Treasury, buster! We had a lot of money, you’d better believe it! And let me tell you something, I knew how to party. I was the party! I was hot! I could disco all night long and look like a million bucks the next day! Damn you! I partied with George Hamilton! I had a life, man, you’d better believe it! You can’t touch what I had! Now, all I have is my husband, Ferdinand. Hmmph, he’s some barrel of monkeys, yeah.. I’m a broken woman, I’m telling you, but I’m coming back, don’t worry, I’m coming back! I’m coming back! [ singing ] Fame! I’m gonna live forever! Light up the sky like a flame!” [ the satellite cuts her off ]
Dennis Miller: Well, I think we lost her. Thank you, Imelda. You know, you’re looking amazingly life-like as of late.
The Pillsbury Doughboy donned boxing gloves in recent financialads to show his company’s resistance to hostile corporate takeovers. The move brought fight promoter Don King to announce that Sugar Ray Leonard will meet the Doughboy for 15 rounds next month in Atlantic City. Leonard says his fight strategy is to go for the head, since every time you hit the guy in the stomach, he just giggles.
Long-distance runner Joan Benoit suffered a bad fall on the last miles of the New York City Marathon on Sunday, when she collided with a young spectator. The child was okay, but Benoit had to be destroyed.
Dennis Miller: She didn’t really, it’s a little joke. A lot of these are jokes.. You know, lately a lot of attention has been paid to stress and its effect on baby boomers. And now, with an editorial on the pressures of modern life in America, here’s “Update” correspondent Victoria Jackson. Hello, Victoria.
Victoria Jackson: Hi, Dennis! Thank you. Let me begin by saying that a new study shows that the thirtysomething generation, of which I am a member, is the most anxiety-ridden, emotionally-unstable generation in our nation’s history. In a recent issue of the Sunday New York Times, I read a very frightening statistic.. [ singing lightly ] ..“That my fellow baby boomers are so chronically-depressed.. we are more prone to suicide, divorce, drug and alcohol addiction, because of outside pressures and goals we have set up for ourselves which are highly unrealistic!“
“That’s why we’re all in therapy
or going past aerobics.
Or reaching out to anything that’s new
But I have come up with a way to keep anxiety at bay
and I would like to share them with you!”
[ jumps on top of the newsdesk and starts to tap dance ]
“I read the news and the press,
Most of us will die of stress,
Unless we dance ol’ chronic depression away.
We want power and control,
That’s a really unhealthy goal,
It’s time to dance ol’ chronic depression away.
If your back’s against the wall,
’cause your career’s in the stall,
Don’t jump out the office window,
’cause that sidewalk will break your fall!
Take the blinds, take the chairs,
Roll up the carpet and move the plants
And dance, dance, dance depression away!”
[ Dennis hands Victoria a five-dollar bill ]
“If you want to shake the blues,
Just turn off the evening news!
Turn off the lights turn on the music!
And, you’ll stop feeling paranoid
You won’t have to be Sigmund Freud
Dance ol’ chronic depression..
Call the shrink and cancel your session!
Dance ol’ Mr. Chronic Depression away!
I feel better already!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Victoria. Hey, give me back that $5!
Another update on that whale story: the two whales surfaced again this week, as they popped up through the ice in somebody’s Big Gulp outside a 7-11 in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
You know, the movie sequel “Ernest Saves Christmas” was released this week, one of the biblical signs that Armageddon is near.
And Meryl Streep’s new film, “The Life of Emo Phillips” was released yesterday.
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I.. am..out of here!