SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 12/03/88: The Bastard Battalion


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 7

88g: Danny DeVito / The Bangles

The Bastard Battalion

Soldier #1…..Dana Carvey
Soldier #2…..Jon Lovitz
Hooker…..Jan Hooks
Soldier #3…..Phil Hartman
General…..Danny DeVito

Announcer: From out of the annals of World War II come.. The Bastard Battalion!

[ SUPER: “The Bastard Battalion” ]

They fought among themselves!

Soldier #1: Hey, did you smoke my last cigarette?

Soldier #2: Yeah.. so what?

Soldier #1: You bastard!

Announcer: And they broke a lot of hearts.

[ SUPER: “Broken Hearts” ]

Hooker: An American? Why, you.. bastard!

Announcer: The Bastard Battalion. Their cruelty knew no limits.

[ SUPER: “Unbelievable Cruelty” ]

Soldier #1: Hey, you wanna see a picture of my girlfriend?

Soldier #2: Yeah.. sure. [ looks at photo ] Hey, you! This is my girlfriend! Yoooouu.. bastard!

Announcer: And neither did their passion.

[ SUPER: “Passion” ]

Hooker: [ moaning ] Ohhh.. oh, you bastard..

Announcer: But when it came to the Germans, they stood together.

[ SUPER: “Camaraderie” ]

Soldier #2: Come and get it, you BASTARDS!! [ gunfire blares off ]

Announcer: The Bastard Battalion! Hell hath no fury like a bunch of bastards!

[ SUPER: “Furious Action” ]

Whether they were loving..

Soldier #3: I gotta go back to the front, baby. [ kisses her and pulls himself away ]

Hooker: No. [ cries ] You BA-ASTARD!!

Announcer: ..or dying..

Soldier #2: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Soldier #1: Ohh.. you woke me up, you bastard!

Announcer: The Bastard Battalion! Nothing could stop them!

The Bastard Batallion did it, sir, they broke through!

[ SUPER: “Unstoppable” ]

General: Oh, those bastards! I could kiss each and every one of them hard on the lips!

Announcer: And when the fighting was over, they knew how to kid around.

[ SUPER: “Kidding” ] [ Soldier drinks from hootch, only to spit it out ] [ laughter ]

Soldier #2: [ laughing, too ] You bastards!

[ SUPER: “The Bastard Battalion” ]

Announcer: The Bastard Battalion. Because, basically, that’s what they were.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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