SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 12/03/88: The Bastard Battalion

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 7

88g: Danny DeVito / The Bangles

The Bastard Battalion

Soldier #1…..Dana Carvey
Soldier #2…..Jon Lovitz
Hooker…..Jan Hooks
Soldier #3…..Phil Hartman
General…..Danny DeVito

Announcer: From out of the annals of World War II come.. The Bastard Battalion!

[ SUPER: “The Bastard Battalion” ]

They fought among themselves!

Soldier #1: Hey, did you smoke my last cigarette?

Soldier #2: Yeah.. so what?

Soldier #1: You bastard!

Announcer: And they broke a lot of hearts.

[ SUPER: “Broken Hearts” ]

Hooker: An American? Why, you.. bastard!

Announcer: The Bastard Battalion. Their cruelty knew no limits.

[ SUPER: “Unbelievable Cruelty” ]

Soldier #1: Hey, you wanna see a picture of my girlfriend?

Soldier #2: Yeah.. sure. [ looks at photo ] Hey, you! This is my girlfriend! Yoooouu.. bastard!

Announcer: And neither did their passion.

[ SUPER: “Passion” ]

Hooker: [ moaning ] Ohhh.. oh, you bastard..

Announcer: But when it came to the Germans, they stood together.

[ SUPER: “Camaraderie” ]

Soldier #2: Come and get it, you BASTARDS!! [ gunfire blares off ]

Announcer: The Bastard Battalion! Hell hath no fury like a bunch of bastards!

[ SUPER: “Furious Action” ]

Whether they were loving..

Soldier #3: I gotta go back to the front, baby. [ kisses her and pulls himself away ]

Hooker: No. [ cries ] You BA-ASTARD!!

Announcer: ..or dying..

Soldier #2: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Soldier #1: Ohh.. you woke me up, you bastard!

Announcer: The Bastard Battalion! Nothing could stop them!

The Bastard Batallion did it, sir, they broke through!

[ SUPER: “Unstoppable” ]

General: Oh, those bastards! I could kiss each and every one of them hard on the lips!

Announcer: And when the fighting was over, they knew how to kid around.

[ SUPER: “Kidding” ] [ Soldier drinks from hootch, only to spit it out ] [ laughter ]

Soldier #2: [ laughing, too ] You bastards!

[ SUPER: “The Bastard Battalion” ]

Announcer: The Bastard Battalion. Because, basically, that’s what they were.

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