Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 7
The Bastard Battalion
Soldier #1…..Dana Carvey
Soldier #2…..Jon Lovitz
Soldier #3…..Phil Hartman
Announcer: From out of the annals of World War II come.. The Bastard Battalion![ SUPER: “The Bastard Battalion” ]
They fought among themselves!
Soldier #1: Hey, did you smoke my last cigarette?
Soldier #2: Yeah.. so what?
Soldier #1: You bastard!
Announcer: And they broke a lot of hearts.[ SUPER: “Broken Hearts” ]
Hooker: An American? Why, you.. bastard!
Announcer: The Bastard Battalion. Their cruelty knew no limits.[ SUPER: “Unbelievable Cruelty” ]
Soldier #1: Hey, you wanna see a picture of my girlfriend?
Soldier #2: Yeah.. sure. [ looks at photo ] Hey, you! This is my girlfriend! Yoooouu.. bastard!
Announcer: And neither did their passion.[ SUPER: “Passion” ]
Hooker: [ moaning ] Ohhh.. oh, you bastard..
Announcer: But when it came to the Germans, they stood together.[ SUPER: “Camaraderie” ]
Soldier #2: Come and get it, you BASTARDS!! [ gunfire blares off ]
Announcer: The Bastard Battalion! Hell hath no fury like a bunch of bastards![ SUPER: “Furious Action” ]
Whether they were loving..
Soldier #3: I gotta go back to the front, baby. [ kisses her and pulls himself away ]
Hooker: No. [ cries ] You BA-ASTARD!!
Announcer: ..or dying..
Soldier #2: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Soldier #1: Ohh.. you woke me up, you bastard!
Announcer: The Bastard Battalion! Nothing could stop them!
The Bastard Batallion did it, sir, they broke through![ SUPER: “Unstoppable” ]
General: Oh, those bastards! I could kiss each and every one of them hard on the lips!
Announcer: And when the fighting was over, they knew how to kid around.[ SUPER: “Kidding” ] [ Soldier drinks from hootch, only to spit it out ] [ laughter ]
Soldier #2: [ laughing, too ] You bastards![ SUPER: “The Bastard Battalion” ]
Announcer: The Bastard Battalion. Because, basically, that’s what they were.