SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 12/03/88: Pumping up With Hans & Franz


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 7

88g: Danny DeVito / The Bangles

Pumping up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Victor…..Danny DeVito
…..Arnold Schwartzenegger

Announcer: Good evening. And welcome again to “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

Franz: Hello! We’re back!

Hans: I am Hans.

Franz: And I am Franz.

Together: And we just want to.. [ clap ] Pump.. you up!

Hans: Alright. But before we can pump you up tonight, we have to answer a piece of viewer mail.

Franz: Ya. Ya. This is a letter we received from a Bill Tompkins. I’ll only read an excerpt, so I don’t go into his loser details. “Dear Hans & Franz: I have recently seen your.. mo-.. mo-“

Hans: Moronic.

Franz: “..Your moronic show, and have wondered why you don’t open your own gym. Maybe you are too stupid.” [ crumples letter ] You know, maybe you thought this letter would make us angry; but it only makes us sad.

Hans: Really, ya. We are sad, you know, because anyone who calls us “stupid” is really just jealous. Because their girlfriend looks at us, then looks at him, and realzies she’s cuddling up with a little girly-man!

Franz: Ya. Ya, girly-man. Hear me now and believe me later – but don’t think about it ever, because, if you try to think, you might cause a flabulance!

Hans: Ya!

Franz: Poor little girly-man, alone in his girly-house!

Hans: Sorry, Mr. Girly-Man, but here’s a treat for your girlfriend!

[ Hans & Franz flex their muscles egotistically ]

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Oh, and thank you so much for the letter. [ put crumpled letter in his mouth and swallows ]

Hans: Ya! Ya, don’t think for a minute he’s not eating it, because beleive me he is!

Franz: That was one delicious piece of girly-man.

Hans: Ya! You know, we’re not here to eat. We’re here..

Together: Pump.. [ clap ] up!

Franz: Oh, and by the way, we’d like to take this time to announce the opening of our new gym in Wayne, New Jersey.

Hans: That’s right. Ya! It’s called the Pumpatorium! Ya! And soon you will meet Victor. He manages our new gym.

Franz: Ya, you know, because we don’t have time to babysit you losers. But believe me, we have trained him well.

Hans: Ya! And he’s one tough biscuit, believe me! Ya, come on out here, Victor!

Franz: Victor, come on out!

[ Victor runs onto the set ]

Victor: Hey, Hans! How you doing, Franz?

Franz: Yes! do you ever show pity on those flabby losers?

Victor: No! These losers, they need discipline! They’re fat, lazy pigs, who should be only dead! You hear me? Dead! Dead! Dead!

Hans: Ya! Ya! Alright. Interesting. Now, tell us, Victor, what would you do with a girly-man who wrote a baby letter?

Victor: Here me now, and here me now, girly-man! Don’t be thinking I can’t come to your house, and pummel your head with a 2×4 and knock some sense into your fat, lazy lard-filled ass! You should be dead! You hear me! Dead, dead, dead, dead!!

[ Hans & Franz subdue Victor ]

Hans: Alright. Alright.

Franz: Enough talk.

Together: We’re not here to talk. We’re here to pump.. [ clap ] up!

Hans: Alright, Victor. Alright, thanks for coming down, Victor.

Victor: Okay, I’ll see you guys later. Oh, by the way. Your cousin Arnold Schwartzenegger came by today.

Hans: Oh, don’t-don’t-don’t be joking us.

Franz: Ya. You’d better not be pulling my rock-hard leg.

Victor: He did! He said he might drop by. Alright, he might see your show. Okay, see you later! [ exits set ]

Franz: Arnold?

Hans: Coming here?

Franz: Today?

Hans: Today? Oh..

Franz: Oh..

Hans: Oh, I don’t believe this!

Franz: We are not properly pumped up!

[ Hans & Franz desperately start flexing and working out their muscles ]

Hans: I don’t believe this! Oh no, I can’t believe it!

[ Arnold Schwartzenegger enters the set, his pecs bouncing in rhythm ]

Arnold Schwartzenegger: Hello, hello. I am back!

Hans: Oh, Arnold, I can’t believe how properly pumped up you really are!

Franz: Ya! You are the embodiment of perfect pumpitude!

Arnold Schwartzenegger: No, no, no.. relax, fellows, relax.

Hans: Hey, Arnold, look at this! [ flexes ]

Franz: Ya! Lok at this! [ flexes more vigorously ]

Arnold Schwartzenegger: Oh, you guys make me sick. [ mimes vomiting ] This is what you have to do. Like this [ demonstrates the proper way to flex his muscles ] That’s the way to do it! Look at you guys, how pitiful losers you are! You know something? I hate the way you guys talk! What’s the matter with you? I mean, I sent you over here from Austria, to become real hard-core terminators, and look what you are – little termites! I wanted you to become real running men; but you are girly-men. Oh, come on, you make me sick! And look at those legs, they look like little skinny sticks! And those buttocks. Soft, like marshmallow. You huys are lucky you don’t have a campfire here in the background. And believe me- [ sees sullen faces ] What’s the matter?

Franz: It’s no use, Arnold. Compared to you.. we are losers. And not even the grown-up kind, the little baby losers.

Hans: Ya. You know, you could very easily flick us with your ltitlest finger, and send us flying across the room until we landed in our own baby poop.

Arnold Schwartzenegger: I know. I know, you’re right. But don’t be downing yourself too much now. Listen to me now, and beleive me later: it doesn’t matter how much you pump up those muscles, as long as you reach the full pumptential.

Franz: Oh.. okay..

Hans: Ya, I think I understand, Arnold. ‘Sank you.

Franz: Ya. Ya, Arnold. You’ve given us something to hear now, and something to think about later.

Arnold Schwartzenegger: Ya. But now, hear this: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday.. [ claps ] ..Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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