SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 12/03/88: Pumping up With Hans & Franz

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 7

88g: Danny DeVito / The Bangles

Pumping up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Victor…..Danny DeVito
…..Arnold Schwartzenegger

Announcer: Good evening. And welcome again to “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

Franz: Hello! We’re back!

Hans: I am Hans.

Franz: And I am Franz.

Together: And we just want to.. [ clap ] Pump.. you up!

Hans: Alright. But before we can pump you up tonight, we have to answer a piece of viewer mail.

Franz: Ya. Ya. This is a letter we received from a Bill Tompkins. I’ll only read an excerpt, so I don’t go into his loser details. “Dear Hans & Franz: I have recently seen your.. mo-.. mo-“

Hans: Moronic.

Franz: “..Your moronic show, and have wondered why you don’t open your own gym. Maybe you are too stupid.” [ crumples letter ] You know, maybe you thought this letter would make us angry; but it only makes us sad.

Hans: Really, ya. We are sad, you know, because anyone who calls us “stupid” is really just jealous. Because their girlfriend looks at us, then looks at him, and realzies she’s cuddling up with a little girly-man!

Franz: Ya. Ya, girly-man. Hear me now and believe me later – but don’t think about it ever, because, if you try to think, you might cause a flabulance!

Hans: Ya!

Franz: Poor little girly-man, alone in his girly-house!

Hans: Sorry, Mr. Girly-Man, but here’s a treat for your girlfriend!

[ Hans & Franz flex their muscles egotistically ]

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Oh, and thank you so much for the letter. [ put crumpled letter in his mouth and swallows ]

Hans: Ya! Ya, don’t think for a minute he’s not eating it, because beleive me he is!

Franz: That was one delicious piece of girly-man.

Hans: Ya! You know, we’re not here to eat. We’re here..

Together: Pump.. [ clap ] up!

Franz: Oh, and by the way, we’d like to take this time to announce the opening of our new gym in Wayne, New Jersey.

Hans: That’s right. Ya! It’s called the Pumpatorium! Ya! And soon you will meet Victor. He manages our new gym.

Franz: Ya, you know, because we don’t have time to babysit you losers. But believe me, we have trained him well.

Hans: Ya! And he’s one tough biscuit, believe me! Ya, come on out here, Victor!

Franz: Victor, come on out!

[ Victor runs onto the set ]

Victor: Hey, Hans! How you doing, Franz?

Franz: Yes! do you ever show pity on those flabby losers?

Victor: No! These losers, they need discipline! They’re fat, lazy pigs, who should be only dead! You hear me? Dead! Dead! Dead!

Hans: Ya! Ya! Alright. Interesting. Now, tell us, Victor, what would you do with a girly-man who wrote a baby letter?

Victor: Here me now, and here me now, girly-man! Don’t be thinking I can’t come to your house, and pummel your head with a 2×4 and knock some sense into your fat, lazy lard-filled ass! You should be dead! You hear me! Dead, dead, dead, dead!!

[ Hans & Franz subdue Victor ]

Hans: Alright. Alright.

Franz: Enough talk.

Together: We’re not here to talk. We’re here to pump.. [ clap ] up!

Hans: Alright, Victor. Alright, thanks for coming down, Victor.

Victor: Okay, I’ll see you guys later. Oh, by the way. Your cousin Arnold Schwartzenegger came by today.

Hans: Oh, don’t-don’t-don’t be joking us.

Franz: Ya. You’d better not be pulling my rock-hard leg.

Victor: He did! He said he might drop by. Alright, he might see your show. Okay, see you later! [ exits set ]

Franz: Arnold?

Hans: Coming here?

Franz: Today?

Hans: Today? Oh..

Franz: Oh..

Hans: Oh, I don’t believe this!

Franz: We are not properly pumped up!

[ Hans & Franz desperately start flexing and working out their muscles ]

Hans: I don’t believe this! Oh no, I can’t believe it!

[ Arnold Schwartzenegger enters the set, his pecs bouncing in rhythm ]

Arnold Schwartzenegger: Hello, hello. I am back!

Hans: Oh, Arnold, I can’t believe how properly pumped up you really are!

Franz: Ya! You are the embodiment of perfect pumpitude!

Arnold Schwartzenegger: No, no, no.. relax, fellows, relax.

Hans: Hey, Arnold, look at this! [ flexes ]

Franz: Ya! Lok at this! [ flexes more vigorously ]

Arnold Schwartzenegger: Oh, you guys make me sick. [ mimes vomiting ] This is what you have to do. Like this [ demonstrates the proper way to flex his muscles ] That’s the way to do it! Look at you guys, how pitiful losers you are! You know something? I hate the way you guys talk! What’s the matter with you? I mean, I sent you over here from Austria, to become real hard-core terminators, and look what you are – little termites! I wanted you to become real running men; but you are girly-men. Oh, come on, you make me sick! And look at those legs, they look like little skinny sticks! And those buttocks. Soft, like marshmallow. You huys are lucky you don’t have a campfire here in the background. And believe me- [ sees sullen faces ] What’s the matter?

Franz: It’s no use, Arnold. Compared to you.. we are losers. And not even the grown-up kind, the little baby losers.

Hans: Ya. You know, you could very easily flick us with your ltitlest finger, and send us flying across the room until we landed in our own baby poop.

Arnold Schwartzenegger: I know. I know, you’re right. But don’t be downing yourself too much now. Listen to me now, and beleive me later: it doesn’t matter how much you pump up those muscles, as long as you reach the full pumptential.

Franz: Oh.. okay..

Hans: Ya, I think I understand, Arnold. ‘Sank you.

Franz: Ya. Ya, Arnold. You’ve given us something to hear now, and something to think about later.

Arnold Schwartzenegger: Ya. But now, hear this: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday.. [ claps ] ..Night!”

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